I met a girl across the sea
Her hair the gold that gold can be
Are you the teacher of the heart?
Yes, but not for thee
So I asked out Jenn.
I suppose it shouldn’t come as a surprise; Jenn’s been — perhaps unwittingly — a source of quixotic inspiration as of late.
It was something I approached delicately, out of a sense of propriety (if indeed, such a thing still exists), and the fact that Aaron and Karen are our close mutual friends. An avowal of such a nature, handled incorrectly, always has the potential to be a cause of awkwardness at parties.
Not that I wasn’t already awkward enough around her.
Jenn’s presence alone would make me flustered. When I could speak, it would often be a flourish of nonsensical words. Something that’s humourous in hindsight, but rather frustrating in the moment.
To be so affected always took me by surprise.
I would tell myself, “This will pass. This is a phase, an infatuation; time or luck will have me grow out of this.”
And it worked, for a while. I moved on, having convinced myself of such an idea, never telling anyone how I felt. Then one day, I realized that I was only fooling myself. It became obvious when I’d think of her in the lyrics of every song. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t need to defend some part of myself from her. Until then, I never believed in love at first sight. I didn’t want to believe it. After all, how do you explain such an illogical, ineffable, irrepressible feeling? I grew, but not out of this, and in vain had I struggled.
She said no.
It’s funny to think that with the wisdom I’ve gained, the experiences I’ve had, I can still be reduced to such an adolescent emotion. I don’t think anyone, myself included, would have imagined this would happen to me again, not at this age, not with what I’ve been through.
I just wonder now, when we’re both at Aaron and Karen’s wedding, after giving me her polite declination, whether I’ll still feel the same. Sometimes you think you’ve moved on. You think you’re over someone, until you do something as simple as see them again and your heart stops. Love, attraction, infatuation, they’re never so conventional as to be understood.
What a silly thing a crush is.
A Thousand Kisses Deep
—Simon and Garfunkle, The Only Living Boy in New York
Every day, we get caught up in our lives.
We adopt pets to give us a sense of family. We eat breakfast at work or in the car to save ourselves time so we can work some more. We scorn those who express emotion, we avoid eye contact with strangers on the street.
Everything we do — the food we eat, the movies we watch, the home team we cheer for, our coffee shop romances — they’re just trying to fill that hole, that gap that’s missing, the only way we feel alive.
We don’t slow down, we don’t figure things out. We don’t reflect and appreciate what we have.
Like strawberry cheesecake ice cream with a thick graham cracker swirl. Like the serenity of the snow that falls around us, when heaven decides to bless the earth.
Life gets in the way of living.
And now I realize just how guilty I’ve been of this. I’ve been looking for love, but never recognized it when I found it. All I ever wanted to do was lie in bed, look into your eyes, and go through my favourite albums with you. But I never did. And now I wonder. Why can’t we just live? We can’t we just love?
Sometimes you have to stop. You can’t capture everything. You need to throw yourself in.
A thousand kisses deep.