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Magneta Lane and my Cousin Darren

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There’s been a smat­ter­ing of good music lately, but this is the song that haunts me; Love and Greed by Magneta Lane. I added it to my col­lec­tion on the 12th of October, and it’s already in my Top 20 Most Played. By no means is it the best song on the album; it’s just the one that hit me the hard­est.

To hear it as a track by itself is a lit­tle out of con­text. It comes as 7 of 10 off Gambling With God, their lat­est album, and the songs lead­ing up to it charge at a much faster pace. The dra­matic change of tone between the verses and the cho­rus are effec­tive in sub­tly draw­ing you in, against lyrics that should be screamed more than any­thing else.

My favourite part is when Lexi says, “I don’t want recy­cled love / if I did I’d pour wine in a cup / and get all liquored up / and fuck­ing crawl in front of you” when the gui­tar and bass stop, and it’s just Nadia doing the bum-ba-da-bum-ba-da-bum-ba-da-bum under­neath on her toms.

With the way she says fuck­ing with such sac­cha­rine soft­ness, one can’t help but won­der what intense sor­row could have caused this sullen, hon­eyed voice to spit such profanity.

It’s stuff like this that makes rather plain look­ing Lexi Valentine so god­dam attrac­tive, very much in a Karen O kind of way. I guess you could say I have a fas­ci­na­tion with Lexi swear­ing, because she does it so infrequently.

So...

I gave this song to Darren, and he sent me back this reply:

shit this song is on auto-repeat right now.… ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Darren’s the only per­son in the world who sees love the way I do. John knows me in every other way — logic, mind­set, emo­tion, per­son­al­ity, habits, taste — but he doesn’t under­stand my love, which is a big part of me. The only one who under­stands is Darren1 because we share the same quixotic ideas about it. It’s as if we devel­oped this roman­tic atti­tude as a back­lash to how our fathers (broth­ers, who also look the same) raised us with such aloof­ness. This ideal is how we bond.

One time he told me he can’t wait for the day when we’re at his house with our girl­friends, and we’re play­ing Cranium, and we’re just…happy.

This is how I know he’s the only per­son who hears this song the same way too.

  1. Not even my girl­friends have come close to under­stand­ing, aside from Bronwen. [↑]
Date  December 20, 2009
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Categories  Random

Amor Vincit Omnia

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Your friends keep telling you you’ll do bet­ter. That you deserve some­one who appre­ci­ates you, and won’t toy with your feel­ings. Their words have been keep­ing together the pieces of your mended heart.

But some­times, you lose sight of that. Fairness, jus­tice, pride, pro­pri­ety. All of that goes out the win­dow in a moment of weak­ness, when you’re sleep­ing on the couch, and the mem­ory fades in of a time when she was lying where you are now with her hands on her arms to shield her from the cold, and you opened your hoodie to wrap it around her body, the two of your squeezed together in one piece of cloth­ing. Or when you think of some­thing that would be per­fect for her, and won­der why you can’t just leave it on her doorstep. These moments of bliss you don’t want to for­get, these habits of love proven so hard to break.

Who cares about his­tory? All that mat­ters is that you love this girl. Why can’t that be enough to call her? Does it have to be more com­pli­cated then that?

So you read her last words over and over again, to remind your­self it wasn’t your feel­ings that were hold­ing things back. Maybe you can con­vince your­self of what every­one else seems to know.

Still, there are times when the mem­o­ries over­ride your logic and over­whelm your rea­son. It makes you ques­tion both her actions and yours, when you know it doesn’t make sense to con­tact her because noth­ing has changed, and noth­ing ever will. You’re the only one in the world who doesn’t seem to understand.

Love con­quers all, whether you want it to or not.

Date  November 18, 2009
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Categories  Thoughts

Burning Twice As Bright

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I seem to be writ­ing about only one thing lately.

In the day, there are rushes of con­tent­ment amidst moments of clar­ity. Little things, like dri­ving on the high­way, feel­ing the wind ruf­fle my hair. Waking up to the fresh, cool morn­ing air that sig­nals the oncom­ing autumn. It all feels great, and for a moment, I can think of noth­ing else but how won­der­ful it all is.

The night is another story. The sky draws it’s cur­tains, leav­ing me with only haunt­ing mem­o­ries that turn vivid when the sun no longer washes them out. The dark­ness is only a reminder of the void she once filled with the very vibrancy of her soul, and with­out her pres­ence to intox­i­cate me, I’m left feel­ing numb.

Jesus christ, I could go on and on.

I won­der why any­one would read all these ram­blings about love and loss. Isn’t it just the same shit over and over again? But love is the only thing I do well. Love is the only thing I know, and I can only write that which I know.

In time, I’ll have just as much to say in cel­e­bra­tion, but for now, I need to get every­thing else out of my sys­tem, stok­ing the fires of grief until I run out of fuel.

Date  September 28, 2009
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Protected: The Penultimate Letter

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Date  September 22, 2009
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Protected: The Continuation of Love and the Letter

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Date  September 18, 2009
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Protected: Not As Strong As I Seem

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Date  September 15, 2009
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Protected: Love Weak

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Date  September 4, 2009
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No Fair

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(A brief con­tin­u­a­tion of my dia­grams for heart­break.)

Diagram for heartbreak: You're supposed to have only one heart

Date  August 30, 2009
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Categories  Random

Diagram For Heartbreak

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I love mak­ing these lit­tle dia­grams. It’s so cathar­tic. I remem­ber read­ing this xkcd comic (Do you know the func­tions? Answers in the foot­note1.) a long time ago, and think­ing, “Yeah, I don’t get it either”.

Diagram for heartbreak: Why won't you let me get over you?

Diagram for Heartbreak: Why won't you let me get over you?

Diagram for Heartbreak: Might as well not even try

Diagram for Heartbreak: Maybe I should be an asshole

Diagram for Heartbreak: Kissing ratios?

Diagram for Heartbreak: Lose-lose situation

I’ve always been a visual per­son, but I never real­ized that doing some­thing like this would make things so much clearer. All those years earn­ing a degree in com­puter sci­ence — learn­ing Venn dia­grams, flow charts, and the like — have finally come in handy.

  1. From left to right, top to bot­tom: square root of love, cosine of love (trigonom­e­try), deriv­a­tive of love (cal­cu­lus), matrix mul­ti­pli­ca­tion of love (lin­ear alge­bra), and some­one help me out with the last one, it seems like another cal­cu­lus equa­tion with some con­stants thrown in the Fourier trans­for­ma­tion of love (Hat tip to Edd Sowden for this one). [↑]
Date  August 11, 2009
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Protected: Difficult Acceptance

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Date  July 10, 2009
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The Kissing Map

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There were patches of skin on her body that would build, and turn white, and flake.

She was always self-conscious of those areas, to the point of tears, but I called them my kiss­ing map, as each patch would lead my lips to the next. In the dark, the spots revealed them­selves in their tex­ture, like del­i­cate wounds. How dif­fer­ent they tasted, how strange that skin felt against my own.

I would always kiss those spots, in hopes that my lips would con­vince her that she had noth­ing to be self-conscious about around me. To ease, and share their burden.

To acknowl­edge that she was flawed, as we all are on earth, but I still loved and accepted her, despite it all.

Date  July 2, 2009
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Protected: Reminders Of Love and Loss

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Date  June 24, 2009
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Largo Ma Non Tanto

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Show me Bach, she said with her hands.

Show me love, I said with my lips.

Date  June 19, 2009
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A Bitter Belief

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Jack: What kind of movies do you pre­fer, the ones with the sad end­ings or the happy ones?

Claire: The sad ones def­i­nitely. I like movies that make me cry.

Jack: Then you’re with the right guy.

Jack is the lead­ing man. Such screen time is only reserved for pro­tag­o­nists, though anti-hero’s fit this mould too. You want to root for him, to dis­cover that in the end he’s smart enough to give up the crim­i­nal life, to stay out of trou­ble, to truly appre­ci­ate the one who loves him. That’s what Claire is bank­ing on too.

She wants to ful­fill the dream that she’ll get the bad boy, and she’ll be the one for whom he gives up his crim­i­nal life. A story that’s been told time and time again, in life and on the screen. But he won’t, and that makes her want him even more.

Through their rela­tion­ship, you have a hard time believ­ing that any­one would be so self-destructive to fall for a guy like this, the way you don’t believe a pro­fes­sional assas­sin would sud­denly develop a con­science when dis­cov­er­ing that his mark is a 12-year-old girl. But this is Hollywood, and we’re lead to believe that any­thing is possible.

And as he cleans Claire’s blood off his bed­room floor, you real­ize that it’s harder to believe he was able to fill a bucket of water from the faucet when he just got out on parole and his util­ity bills have been unpaid for over a year, than a girl falling in love with some­one so bad for her. After all, life has not proven otherwise.

This qui­etly fills you with bitterness.

Date  June 15, 2009
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Protected: Take This Longing

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Date  May 31, 2009
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