July 10, 2010

Team Fortress 2

10

On nights like this, I won­der how I’m going to kill the time before it’s late enough to fall asleep, wor­ried that I’ll be bored on a Friday and con­se­quently faced with the fact that I’m so very alone. I was crav­ing some kind of human con­tact tonight, but spend­ing time with peo­ple takes too much energy nowa­days so I decided, instead, to play Team Fortress 2.

I pur­chased it on an impulse, but this was still three years after TF2 first came out. There’s a very good rea­son I avoided buy­ing it for so long: it’s the sequel to Team Fortress Classic, one of the games I was most addicted to in my life, and a huge time sink1. An entire day could go by with­out real­iz­ing it when I was play­ing TFC, and I pur­posely didn’t buy TF2 when Aaron was get­ting into it too; I knew I wouldn’t stop if I had friends encour­ag­ing the habit.

TF2

 

Read the rest of this entry »

  1. Also the same rea­son I haven’t tried World of Warcraft. [↑]
Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life
May 31, 2010

I didn’t come here for the tea

0

I came here to get out of the house. Room, actu­ally. I haven’t had a face-to-face con­ver­sa­tion with any­one in three days.

I kept going through my phone book. No one. Not a sin­gle per­son I want to talk to. No one with whom to be myself com­pletely, with whom to spend in com­pany with­out con­ver­sa­tion. Hank told me a morn­ing of awk­ward­ness is far bet­ter than a night of lone­li­ness, but I beg to dif­fer. The morn­ings always seem to last much longer.

At the same time, this is when I want to dis­tract myself the most, and being with other peo­ple is the most effec­tive way. I’m too busy being focused on spend­ing time with some­one else that I can for­get about myself.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (ver­sion 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the lat­est ver­sion here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

In the car it’s all Kid Cudi, and even though I’ve always told myself I wouldn’t drive when I’m like this, I’d always wanted to hear this album when I’m in this kind of mood. I was never one to resist a night in cool sum­mer air, cruis­ing under the city lights to old haunts.

Waiting for my order affords me the oppor­tu­nity to sur­rep­ti­tiously observe peo­ple and try to fig­ure out their roles each clique as they inter­act. Even though I’m alone, it’s com­fort enough to be among strangers.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life
December 7, 2008

Lonely Lot

2

Lonely parking lot

Sometimes, you need to get out­side. Dodge the drunks stum­bling through the halls, the peo­ple stand­ing and wait­ing for their groups, the famil­iar faces. Maybe because it’s snow­ing out­side, and you don’t want to miss it, when the sky aches the same orange as you do.

This isn’t your scene, but there’s no one to back you up, so you smile and nod. Fake kisses and oblig­a­tory hugs, think­ing, “I don’t know you, and I never will”. A façade to appear nor­mal, when mem­o­ries come flood­ing back. Sitting alone at a table, won­der­ing why you came in the first place. Times with­out a per­son to make you a promise. Moments with other people’s wives, because he’s secure like that, and wish­ing for noth­ing else. Walking these halls alone the way you’re doing now. Memories you wish were a lit­tle more dis­tant. Maybe you’ll come back one day, and break even, or maybe even come out ahead.

Until then, your indif­fer­ence will keep you alive.

Sometimes you need to take a pic­ture of some­thing, any­thing, because noth­ing you see here is how you feel, and it’s the only way you can scream.

Maybe it’s not so much out­side, where you’re run­ning, as away.

Tagged as
Filed under
Photos Random
July 14, 2008

Hello Neighbour

3

Nighttime condo

The blinds are open so I can see outside.

Secretly, I hope a face from one of the win­dows will appear and look out­side, some­one who’s think­ing the same thing, so that I may not be so alone. A way of com­fort­ing myself, when I’m by myself in this veneer of a house.

I’m not sure if it’s working.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life Photos
July 12, 2008

Protected: The Wedding Loser

4

This post is pass­word pro­tected. To view it please enter your pass­word below:


Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life
June 29, 2008

To Speak, To Dream

5

Thumbnail: Infinity candle holder

It’s on nights like this that I feel espe­cially lonely.

I spent the last two hours look­ing for an image that would express my mood, but this was the best I could come up with. When I went out­side, to see if the street lights would offer me more, I passed by open win­dows, each one filled with a dif­fer­ent coloured light. It made me won­der what the peo­ple were doing, who they were with, what mood they were in.

It’s been a day alone. A day with­out con­tact. A day of rain and grey­ness, and liv­ing vic­ar­i­ously at Robson Arms.

So here I sit in the dark, with my apple and honey swirl pie and Ovaltine, writ­ing because I haven’t said enough today, list­ing to songs of love and hate. Feeling like an old soul.

Wondering tonight if I’ll dream, or sleep soundly, or dream with­out remembering.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life Photos
April 25, 2008

Alone Again

4

The expe­ri­ence of emo­tional depri­va­tion is harder to define than some of the other life­traps. Often it is not crys­tal­lized into thoughts. This is because the orig­i­nal depri­va­tion began so early, before you had the words to describe it. Your expe­ri­ence of emo­tional depri­va­tion is much more the sense that you are going to be lonely for­ever, that cer­tain things are never going to be ful­filled for you, that you will never be heard, never be understood.

Emotional depri­va­tion feels like some­thing is miss­ing. It is a feel­ing of empti­ness. Perhaps the image that most cap­tures its mean­ing is that of a neglected child. Emotional depri­va­tion is what a neglected child feels. It is a feel­ing of alone­ness, of nobody there. It is a sad and heavy sense of knowl­edge that you are des­tined to be alone.

I’m so fuck­ing angry­fu­ri­ous­livid at John right now. We were sup­posed to talk and play tonight, but yet again, I get brushed aside for his friends or girl­friend. I have no other com­mu­ni­ca­tion with him, save for the phonecalls.

It’s not just this time, it’s a whole bunch of times added up. And I’m left alone, again. This is the first time ever that he’s made me cry. And I’m not even sad. I’m just angry. I’m sweat­ing. I can barely see through these tears.

At least I found out that I could show my feel­ings to him. He’s the only per­son with whom I don’t have to worry about being polite. I can raise my voice at him, and I don’t clam up like I do with most people.

Right now, I have no one. John’s the one per­son I can count on to talk to me when some­thing goes wrong. No one else truly under­stands me. It’s com­pletely dev­as­tat­ing when it’s this per­son who pulls the rug out from under you.

Maybe I am sad. Maybe this makes me think of how I’m always a sec­ond pri­or­ity to every­one I know. That I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. That it’ll always be like this because I’m fuck­ing flawed and fuck­ing defec­tive and fuck­ing unlov­able in some way.

I wasn’t going to drive to nowhere tonight, but I think I will now. I just have to remem­ber not to rest my foot on the pedal.

People don’t under­stand how frag­ile I am. That some­times I have to fight to feel sig­nif­i­cant, that I have to con­vince myself that peo­ple would be sad if steered into a con­crete pole and died.

Just because I try to be easy-going and under­stand­ing doesn’t mean I’m not important.

I’m a per­son too.

Tagged as
Filed under
Thoughts
April 17, 2008

The Essence Of Spring Nights

4

Me in a toque

Go out­side. Right now.

It’s dark. It’s cool. It’s breezy. Grass has replaced the snow. Walking down­town, the smell of shawarma from every Lebanese restau­rant, the peo­ple shed­ding their coats, the sur­fac­ing skin, it’s as if the world is bloom­ing while the sun has set.

All I want is for you to be here with me. To share this moment with you.

It’s a pity to be alone on nights like this.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life Photos
April 6, 2008

The Choice

5

I’m in a bad way

My sleep­ing sched­ule is upside down. I’m lovesick. I’m heart­bro­ken. I can’t eat any­thing with­out shit­ting blood. My lips are chapped. My teeth keep graz­ing my canker sore. I’m break­ing out. I’m dread­ing another day of work.

These are the times I truly feel alone. I’ve never been very good at tak­ing care of myself.

But I’d still rather be alone, than be with you.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life
December 31, 2007

Last Day Of The Year

5

Outside, the snow­fall is fast but light. From the blan­ket of white on the cars, one can tell how long it’s been snow­ing. Against this white is the aching orange glow of the sky, and the warm flu­o­res­cent street lamps. The blinds of the houses across the street are all closed and the lights are off.

City in a snow globe. Lifeless. Plastic. Shaken.

In the dark­ness of my liv­ing room, Emiliana Torrini sings to me about love in the time of sci­ence.

It shouldn’t hurt me to be free
It’s what I really need
To pull myself together
But if it’s so good being free
Would you mind telling me
Why I don’t know what to do with myself

It’s the last day of the year. The lit­tle clock on my screen tells me it’s six min­utes to 2 a.m. I should be in bed, but this is the only chance I have to write.

Where did the time go? I thought I would be bored, or lonely, dur­ing the hol­i­day stretch, only to dis­cover that it wasn’t long enough.

They say that the days, months, years pass faster, the older you get.

Maybe this means I’m get­ting old.

Tagged as
Filed under
Thoughts
December 23, 2007

Holiday Stretch

4

Hi there.

I’m already in hol­i­day mode. Sure, I have one day of work left — Monday — but my brain has checked out. I even took the day off yes­ter­day and made it a long week­end because I have extra vaca­tion days left, and they can’t be car­ried forward.

The chaise lounge on which I do my writing

This is how I spend most of my time nowa­days: on my new chaise lounge from EQ3, with a mug of tea by my side, in a gen­er­ally unkempt man­ner. Unshaven, with the flour­ish of a cowlick in my hair.

Last year, in which I declared that Christmas is dead, I stayed home out of spite, not directed at any­one but myself. This year, I’ve decided to go to Shirley’s for Christmas Eve and Christmas, and Pat and Jen’s for New Year’s.

But there’s a stretch of a sev­eral days in between in which I have no plans. Even though it’ll be a chance for me to do some extra writ­ing, work on my photo projects, maybe even relax a bit, part of me wishes I was busy like every­one else.

I know I don’t have any­thing to com­plain about. I’m lucky enough to be spend­ing the “impor­tant” days with friends who are impor­tant to me. I’m even lucky enough to have a choice of where to go. But I know that dur­ing the stretch, when other peo­ple has some­where to be, some­where to go, I’ll feel some­what for­lorn. They’ll have a place where they belong.

Maybe I’ll belong here, at home alone, on this won­der­ful chaise.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life Photos
September 26, 2007

Pick Yourself Up

7

Things haven’t been going my way. As much as I try to let them go, I can’t. There’s just too much right now. My mind jumps from one thing to another when I’m in bed.

I need to stay away from the blo­gos­phere for a while. Not writ­ing, but being a part of my usual cliques and forums. The drama lately has been really piss­ing me off, and it’s cer­tainly not helping.

It’s six in the morn­ing and I’ve been awake for…hmmm…two hours? Another hour before I’m off to work. Maybe writ­ing this has helped.

Pick your­self up, you son-of-a-bitch, because no one’s going to do it for you.

Edit: Nope. Fuck it. I’m going to work, and bring­ing my hoodie, and a copy of Taxi Driver. I won­der if it’s rain­ing outside.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life
August 30, 2007

Still Human

9

Crank it. Loud, and maybe you’ll under­stand how I feel.

I’ve been in such a slump the last week. Maybe I’m over-worked, over-tired, and over-stressed. Things haven’t been going my way.

It’s filled me with such frus­tra­tion, sad­ness, and anger.

Now I’m left to face the ugly world alone, and all I can think is to never put your trust in some­one. Never be depen­dent, never expect any­thing from any­one because you’ll only get hurt.

Pick your­self up, cause no one’s going to help you.

I try to ratio­nal­ize every­thing and fol­low the Tao, but I can’t. Everything is so overwhelming.

As much as I’ve learned, as much wis­dom as I’ve gained, as far as I’ve come, I’m still human.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life Thoughts
August 26, 2007

Long to Belong

2

Among the shots and the rounds, the friends and the fun, I found a grad­u­a­tion photo framed on his shelf, a can­did shot of the Class of ’05.

Every one of my “clique” was among the faces. There were oth­ers as well, peo­ple I knew from class, even though I never talked to them. How dif­fer­ent they all looked — all prim and proper in aca­d­e­mic regalia — yet familiar.

I was the only one not in co-op, and grad­u­ated a year before every­one else. My con­vo­ca­tion was insignif­i­cant. I only went because my par­ents wanted to see me make that walk that stage, a return on their invest­ment. I don’t know who the dean of my fac­ulty was, or who handed me my diploma. I was just another num­ber in a prof­i­teer­ing insti­tu­tion. It meant nothing.

But see­ing that photo struck a chord in me.

It made me real­ize how I’ve never really fit in. How I never belonged to a group. For some rea­son, I still long for that, or, per­haps, to have had that at one point in my life. Last time it was ele­men­tary and high-school. This time it was uni­ver­sity. I don’t know why. I have my own group of friends now. Not a clique, because they don’t hang out with each other, but a mot­ley crew I’ve built through the years.

I know it doesn’t make sense. There’s a rea­son I was never truly a part of any group.

The log­i­cal side of me under­stands that it isn’t sig­nif­i­cant. That it doesn’t, and shouldn’t mat­ter. That noth­ing is more bor­ing and pedes­trian than fit­ting in.

But another part of me feels like I missed out on something.

And I don’t know if I’ll ever let that go.

Tagged as
Filed under
Thoughts
August 8, 2007

Apocalypse Now

4

I just had a day with­out con­tact in the office. So I called every sin­gle per­son I reg­u­larly talk to on the phone, and not one of them picked up. These aren’t just sin­gle peo­ple, they’re fam­i­lies and cou­ples, which means that every­one in the house was out. I even called my cell phone to make sure my land line was working.

It’s like I’m the only sur­viv­ing mem­ber of an apoc­a­lypse. I’d half expect to see a mush­room cloud in the dis­tance, houses on fire, bod­ies in the streets if I looked out the window.

I’ve never felt so alone.

Tagged as
Filed under
Daily Life
Pages (2):12