Vacation With John '06: Part 2

Thumbnail: School piano
Thumbnail: Baseball plaque
Thumbnail: Baseball bleachers
Thumbnail: Board of officers
Thumbnail: Front hall
Thumbnail: Graduating photoset
Thumbnail: Jackson's logo
Thumbnail: Lockers
Thumbnail: Music stand
Thumbnail: Student centre
Thumbnail: Old windows

Before leav­ing for the next part of our jour­ney, John and I revis­ited our old stomp­ing grounds: the high-school where we grew to be friends. We didn’t get to know each other until we had to share stor­age lock­ers in com­puter class, even though we had already met four years before that another ele­men­tary school. Everyone else paired up for the lock­ers, but being the lon­ers that we were at the time, we had no one else with whom to share, so we resigned our­selves to being alone together.

Turns out things worked out for the best.


While we were there, we found a photo mon­tage of a trip the band took to Hungary back when I was around 15 or 16, prob­a­bly in ’95–’96, and not ’98 as I say in the video. They needed more flutes to fill out the wind ensem­ble, and there so I was invited to come along for the three week trip. The framed mon­tage still hangs in the music room, next to the dou­ble basses.


We also vis­ited his mother’s grave. It was fresh with flow­ers, laid there for the anniver­sary that week. We stood in the mild rain, and John told me the story of her death for the first time: how he cried, how it affected his father, and how long it took them to get over it. I had never brought it up until then; it took nearly ten years until I was com­fort­able enough to say anything.

Vacation With John '06: Part 1

Taxi, bus, car, 500 km from Ottawa to Toronto.

John, com­ing from a week­end wed­ding, took a flight from Thunder Bay to pick me up. We spent the first three days at the house of John’s par­ents. Circumstances like these always put me on edge; with adults around, we tend to behave, and I’m gen­er­ally obnox­ious when I’m with John.

The step-mother rules the house with an iron fist. No noise after ten. No noise before seven. No using the guest tow­els or soap.

One morn­ing, I was hav­ing toast with some mar­malade when I real­ized that the orange, unla­beled spread in the back of the fridge had a rather sharp taste, sig­ni­fy­ing that it was either offal or expired. John stopped me as I opened the kitchen garbage bin.

You can’t throw that out”

Why not?”

It’s food. Food smells.” John pointed to the dish dry­ing rack. It was filled with milk bags which were used, emp­tied, washed, and dried before being thrown out.

What am I sup­posed to do with it?”

We’ll throw it in the back yard for the birds”

What if the birds won’t eat it? A piece of toast cov­ered with mar­malade would be harder to explain than food in the garbage.”

Eventually, we put the toast in a Zip-Loc bag and dis­posed of it in a pub­lic trash bin four blocks away from the house.


Thumbnail: Flower 1
Thumbnail: Flower 2
Thumbnail: Flower 3
Thumbnail: Fly
Thumbnail: Garden birds
Thumbnail: Garden

The beau­ti­ful gar­den in the back pre­sented some great photo opportunities.


Toronto was our chance to relax. We just hung around and rented movies. When I’m with John I get to see the clas­sics that I’ve missed — every time it’s men­tioned that I haven’t seen a cer­tain title in the store, it’s always met with his button-pushing, “You haven’t seen that?!”. He already has of course, but his mem­ory is so bad that it’s like he never watched them in the first place. This time it was The Shawshank Redemption (very sat­is­fy­ing), Diner (a great coming-of-age film for guys), Four Weddings and a Funeral (ruined by Andie MacDowell’s deliv­ery of “Is it rain­ing — I hadn’t noticed”), and Sideways (fuck­ing amaz­ing). We also saw Out On Bail, which gar­ned many an excru­ci­at­ing reaction.

I still laugh my ass off every time I watch this.

Fifteen Year Friendship

Being trans­ferred to Bayview Glen in grade five was my first pri­vate school expe­ri­ence. The change from Catholic school was sub­tle; aside from the bet­ter funded facil­i­ties and pas­sion­ate teach­ers, the only dis­cern­able dif­fer­ence was the man­di­tory uni­form. It was there that I met John in my classes, but back then he was the bully who threw me against a wall at first recess. My par­ents inter­vened in the form of an angry phonecall to the teacher, and I learned never to tell them about my prob­lems at school again, out of fear that I would be emas­cu­late me.

John main­tained a rep­u­ta­tion as one of the kings of the play­ground. At that age, he was a pre­co­cious pre-teen, match­ing machismo with Daniel Cappon for the atten­tion of Pamela Arstikitis, the acer­bic, metal-mouthed, blonde beauty. I remained bliss­fully young and igno­rant, and we never really got along.

In grade seven, he changed schools to Upper Canada College, as his grand­fa­ther had done over fifty years ago, while I went through both the test and inter­view, and didn’t make the cut. Our par­ents knew of the school’s pres­ti­gious rep­u­ta­tion and yearned des­per­ately for their respec­tive sons to be alum­nus. Two years later I made a suc­cess­ful sec­ond attempt, and moved there too.

I was by myself, in a school full of jocks, aca­d­e­mics, and artis­tic eso­ter­ics. John’s rep­u­ta­tion didn’t fol­low him to this insti­tu­tion, where he was the odd, alien­ated, aloof, young man, while I remained the small, dys­func­tional boy who never fit in any­where. We were seper­ate lon­ers, and our indi­vid­u­al­ity is what brought us together. We never had any classes together, so lunches were spent phi­los­o­phiz­ing on the bleach­ers when the weather per­mit­ted, or mis­be­hav­ing in Mr. Lorne’s class­room, throw­ing text­books at each other in the win­ter. Eventually we went our seper­ate ways in uni­ver­sity, and John was the only per­son I kept in touch with.


Thumbnail: School choir in grade 8

In the sum­mer between grade seven and eight, as part of the children’s choir of Bayview Glen, we audi­tioned for a part in the Canadian pre­mier of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. This con­sisted of a demo tape, a semi-final com­pe­ti­tion between 25 schools, and finals of 10, with only four school choirs being selected. The judges told us to hold our cel­e­bra­tion until all the final­ists were announced, but by the time we were called, we couldn’t hold it in, and let out with a thun­der­ous roar. It was the only time in my life that I was so happy I cried.

The pic­ture of our choir, roughly 25 stu­dents between the ages of 10 and 14, ended up in the per­for­mance book­lets that were handed out to the audi­ence as they walked from the lobby to their seats in the Elgin Theatre. We were far from friends back then, but we stood next to each other. I still don’t under­stand why.


Thumbnail: Me and John on the couch 15 years later

Twelve years later.

John’s hair­cut hasn’t devi­ated from a hastily brushed mop. Mine, on the other hand, has gone through var­i­ous stages of shagg­y­ness, poofi­ness, and occa­sional what-was-I-thinking. It’s just like the two of us. John did all his grow­ing up before he was 12, and at his core he’s essen­tially the same per­son now as he was back then, while I con­tinue the never-ending cycle of learn­ing and growing.

And this will prob­a­bly be true in another 15 years.

So Now Then...

  • After his spring break trip to Mexico, John made a quick visit for the week­end, for a job inter­view down­town. If he finds an intern­ship here for the sum­mer, I will jump for joy.
  • There’s a major dead­line at work in two days. I’ve been work­ing on this project for three months, and I think I’ll just make it (with some heavy over­time involved).
  • Visits declined by 2/3 while I was on Hiatus.
  • Due to time con­straints, I’ve cut my table ten­nis prac­tice atten­dance to once a week, and have been get­ting my ass appro­pri­ately handed to me in the league.
  • Even though I’ve mostly been shoot­ing with my thrifty fifty prime, my pre­vi­ous two dream lenses have been replaced by the recently announced 17–55mm f/2.8 IS com­ing out in May. Hopefully the reviews will be very good.
  • Been lis­ten­ing to my playlists lately, instead of albums. Must be my emo­tions com­ing back to me.

Thrice = Love: As The Crucible

True friends stab you in the front
Keep you from get­ting what you want
When one more fix could kill you
They help you real­ize that
You’re more and less than you first had believed
You’ve so much to give and there’s so much you need
Shortcuts through grave­yards and a brand new way to breathe
Three thou­sand miles just to learn
All that’s gold does not all shine
And help­ing words aren’t always kind
When one more kiss could kill you
They help you real­ize that
You’re more and less than you first had believed
You’ve so much to give and there’s so much you need
Shortcuts through grave­yards and a brand new way to breathe
Three thou­sand miles just to learn
How to let my guard down

—Thrice,The Beltsville Crucible

When you look back at the prob­lems you faced a year ago, they seem insignif­i­cant com­pared to the prob­lems you face now. Finding out how things end up, and see­ing the path that your actions have paved, makes every­thing passed seem sim­ple and log­i­cal. Even know­ing this, I still look back on a time when I was faced with a trou­bling dilemma, a sit­u­a­tion where I con­tinue to won­der what I may have done dif­fer­ently. At the time, I brought my trou­bles up to Darren, a per­son with whom I could always con­fide with­out being judged.

His advice was to give no advice at all. He told me that he under­stood how I dealt with my prob­lems, being one to always weigh the options care­fully, and that he knew I would make the right deci­sion. Perhaps being his older cousin, the one he him­self has always turned to for advice, made the sit­u­a­tion strange to him. Nonetheless, it was the first time I had expe­ri­enced such a trust, and it was heart­en­ing to know that some­one respected me enough to put his faith in me before I know­ing what my choice was.

I admit­ted this to John, and he told me that the worst mis­take he could make was assum­ing that I would make the right deci­sions. As he put it, it’s his job to keep me in check and make me con­stantly ques­tion the things that I do. Of course, he always presents things tact­fully, so he doesn’t end up hurt­ing more than helping.

Neither Darren or John is more cor­rect than the other, because it all depends on the rela­tion­ship. You need some friends to under­stand what you do. You need other friends to stab you in the front. I know I can count on Darren to accept my deci­sions, and I know I can count on John to give me the hon­est truth when I need it. The impor­tant part is the respect that goes both ways. Without respect, an opin­ion is mean­ing­less. My intro­duc­tion to the dominant/submissive lifestyle has given this even more significance.

Gimmie a girl who I can respect enough to under­stand this, and who can respect me enough to be her crucible.

The Thrice = Love Series

  1. Introduction
  2. The Journey
  3. As The Crucible
  4. Rock It
  5. The Rush
  6. Far From The End

Five Days With John

It was five days of relax­ation, with some­one I could spill my guts to. The only per­son who knows every­thing about me, every embar­rass­ing expe­ri­ence I’ve had, every dark secret in the back of my mind. I could try, but I doubt that I would ever be able to explain my rela­tion­ship with John. Let the inde­scrib­able remain so.

Most of the time was spent in con­ver­sa­tion. In the car we would cruise. On the couches we laid our­selves out, both as shrink and patient. We revis­ited my old stomp­ing grounds, the uni­ver­sity cam­pus with its dull, right-angle archi­tec­ture. There was a bit of serendip­ity dur­ing his stay, the kind of hap­pen­stance that makes one ques­tion their sense of faith, fate, or lack thereof. After a series of ran­dom and cor­rect turns, it was a sud­den, rather ter­ri­fy­ing, con­fronta­tion of months of med­i­ta­tion on the sec­ond intro­duc­tion. Something I’ve been dis­cussing with John ever since I started writ­ing about it, some­thing I wasn’t ready for at all, and some­thing we hap­pened to catch on camera.

It Was A Rough Day

I went in for a few hours of work, which was tor­ture with­out hav­ing con­sumed more than 40 grams of car­bo­hy­drates, 8 grams of pro­tein, and 180 calo­ries in the last three days, but really, I can’t afford to be sick. I’m going to try to make it in for a few more hours tomor­row, if I don’t feel as weak and light-headed, but they already know that I may not be com­ing in at all. To stave hunger and dehy­dra­tion, I’ve been drink­ing as much water as I can before it makes me feel nau­seous again.

John also said some­thing that hurt me enough to make me cry (some­how I man­age to lose more flu­ids). Even though his off­hand com­ment was uncalled for, it’s partly my fault; being either hun­gry, tired, or sick can make me into a very can­tan­ker­ous per­son, but all three com­bined is as dan­ger­ous as jug­gling chain­saws. In real­ity, it’s no excuse. I’m deter­mined to apol­o­gize the next time I speak to him. As starved as I am, pride is always a hard thing to swallow.

I stepped out­side in the late evening, wear­ing my cot­ton hoodie, and real­ized that it was still too warm to be wear­ing any­thing with sleeves. It felt com­pletely odd to be out­side in the dark, when the sun already sets so late this time of year, and still be uncom­fort­ably warm. I was reminded of past sum­mer nights spent with Darren, being in the mid­dle of the park at mid­night with noth­ing but a black­ened sky above us and a jun­gle gym around us. It made me real­ize that I haven’t been out past sun­set since I’ve moved here, some­thing I don’t par­tic­u­larly mind when I have the com­fort of a house, a com­puter, and a housemate.

Trinary Maturity: (In)Conclusion

I wasn’t plan­ning on writ­ing another part of this series until I asked John for his opin­ion. He was extremely hes­i­tant to com­mit but even­tu­ally opined, with earnest con­sid­er­a­tion of his words.

His most sig­nif­i­cant insight was that I may be hastily pass­ing judg­ment on some­thing that I’ve only begun to expe­ri­ence. “It’s time, not the aware­ness of our accom­plish­ments, that teaches us what’s sem­i­nal”, he put it. I find it dif­fi­cult to dis­agree. After all, I have no idea how impor­tant the last year will be. All I know is that it’s been impor­tant up until now.

I always trust what John says. Like a preacher, he speaks the truth. It’s good to have a friend who can keep me in check, who can give me some per­spec­tive. Perhaps I’ve been look­ing a lit­tle too hard for mean­ing. I want to believe that these things have changed me, made me a bet­ter person.

But only time will tell me for sure.

The Trinary Maturity Series

  1. Introduction
  2. The Job
  3. The Girlfriend
  4. The House
  5. (In)Conclusion

Sober For Someone Else

I promised John I’d be sober until the next time I see him, which should be in the last week of August, if every­thing goes as planned.

I had dif­fi­culty mak­ing the promise for myself. I’ve eas­ily gone cold turkey before, by my own free will, but that was because I was in a rela­tion­ship. John’s the last per­son in the world I want to let down. He’s lost enough already, includ­ing his mother and his sense of smell.

Sometimes one needs a rea­son. Sometimes one needs some­one for whom to stop.