Toronto may be my mistress, but I still flirt with the idea of making her my wife. Wondering if I can escape the life and the memories I have in Ottawa. I make the trip a few times a year, and sometimes it feels like it’s more often than I see my friends here. If I still call Toronto home, maybe it’s time I should make it my home again. But I know it’s a drastic step for the sake of closure.
Sweet and creamy…Simon’s two greatest alcoholic adversaries.
It’s strange to have too many people to see and never enough time. Growing up as a socially awkward guy, it’s a problem I never imagined I’d ever have. There hasn’t even been enough time for myself, although I suppose that’s the way I wanted it. I just don’t feel safe when I’m by myself nowadays.
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Music sounds so good. It’s like everything has a beat I can dance to.
Sometimes I start writing an entry based on notes from a few weeks ago, but I end up discarding most of them cause I don’t feel the same way anymore. It’s like I’m constantly shedding skin in the words I delete.
I tend not to over-think things now. My decisions are based on what I want at any specific moment, instead on the future, or the consequences, or what may happen as a result. This regression has been one of the most important (and difficult) things I’ve learned to do. It feels like I’ve been going in the wrong direction for 30 years, but at least I was able to figure that out before much longer. Now I understand Picasso when he said, “It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child.”
Pat on his new grill. He’s still figuring out the hot spots.
I don’t even practice guitar anymore, but I’ll put on a song I’m addicted to and pretend I’m playing with my favourite singers for hours. It’s not helping me improve (which is usually what I enjoy), but by god is it fun.
The weeks leading up to my trip were full-tilt cause I couldn’t stand being by myself. It was never that bad before. I even bought an iPad app that lets me watch random webcams from around the world, just so I could have something happening live next to me, even if it was two-thirty in the morning. Usually it was a buffalo chips restaurant in Florida with mustard tablecloths, a beach resort by the sea in Italy, or an overhead cam of a sushi chef in Tokyo1.
Nowadays, I don’t mind the solitude or the company. I’m feeling unwound and have settled into old habits; not getting enough sleep, eating at the wrong times, never going out. The main difference is that I get so much less of John nowadays, which means I feel so much more alone, but I’m strong enough to be okay with that now.
The days are bright. Like a boy, I find it hard to concentrate on work when the sun fills the house with warm light.
This is how I learn that sushi chefs puree wasabi using only a chef’s knife and a great deal of patience. [↑]
This was my speech at John’s wedding. It’ll probably remain the most important speech of my life unless I ever get married and have kids of my own, so I’m happy to have nailed it. John’s dad came up to the head table and shook my hand when I was done, and some people even asked me for a transcript.
I’ve wanted to write about John’s hilariously frank and robotic love letters for so long but I never got around to it, so it was great that I was able to surprise him with one of them in the middle of the speech. People were laughing at every single line.
A rare picture of John and I cause I’m usually the one taking the photos.
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When you no longer work in an office, sometimes you don’t find out it’s a long weekend until the Friday of. My friends have also replaced their ritual barbecues with babies and play dates, so no invitations were sent out that may have notified me of the holiday.
A quiet moment among volleyball tournaments and beach goers in a calm area of the Lake Shore.
I wanted to get away cause I’ve been dreading any time alone. Loneliness hits me hardest when I’m sitting at home wondering what everyone else is doing. A road trip to Toronto was the best way I could avoid that. Unfortunately, the only people I can drop in on with such short notice happen to be five hundred kilometres away.
The truth is I never watch sunsets anymore. I’m usually too caught up in my projects cause I’m worried about being left with nothing but the thoughts I’ve trying to put in the back of my head. That’s why I don’t mind the five-hour drive at this time of year; it gives me an excuse to see what I never make time to do. When I leave at a quarter to seven, I hit the richest1 part of the sunset halfway through the 401. For a glorious stretch, there’s nothing concrete curves and crimson colours bleeding through the trees.
The “CN Tower” sushi platter, with tempura observation deck.
All I wanted was a quite time with the right company, no heavy plans or personalities. I’d be kicking myself for all the shots I missed cause I was too comfortable to pull out my camera, but I know that’s what those moments are about.
To lose yourself in the haze and summer heat finally upon us is to live like a child again without a worry or thought of anything beyond the next five minutes. Regression is embracing the itchy sweat breaking out on your face, as your fingertips mash the ice into slush in a white cream soda freezie.
I’m always fighting exhaustion on these trips cause I don’t get enough sleep. There’s too much to do. It’s a test of constitution to be driving in the darkness and city lights, wondering if I’m too tired to be driving, let alone navigating the infuriating construction and traffic of downtown Toronto. When I survive another day, it’s a reminder that not everything has to be perfect, that the world still turns no matter the state of my heart or mind.
Over a particularly heavy blend, I was asked what it would take for me to go all out, to say fuck it and lose control. It made me realize I’m already there, siding with indulgence over moderation, trying to break myself down so I can rebuild myself again. That’s why I always lose myself on those warm summer nights, when I tell myself I’ll be in bed by 10 every night, but the company keeps me up till 3.
Dexter is now too fat and lazy to fight off my cuddly advances.
I have such a mixed past with Toronto. It was such a chaotic time in my life when I lived there. I was cripplingly undeveloped, but that also meant I still had the innocence none of us ever return to once we hit adulthood. Much like those memories, this city will always be a part of me.
Now I’m back in Ottawa, returned to the little things that make it home like a familiar pillow and a cat’s particular purr. In my case, the exile is always self-imposed, a controlled escape, and I always wonder if anyone would care or miss me if I never came back.
The time when it just starts to get dark, a balance between the rich colours and brilliance of light, since they both compose. [↑]
I haven’t talked to John since he got married, which was almost a month ago. This is an inordinately long time, considering the fact that he used to call me almost every other day. I don’t blame him cause I know he just got back from his honeymoon, moved into a new house, and is catching up on work. I’ve never been happier for him, but that still leaves me longing for the comfort of the only person I say so much to. He was my only consistent source of interaction with the outside world.
Head table, bitches.
Alayna just had her 20 week ultrasound, and they’re going to have a boy. When the baby’s born, I’ll have even less of him.
It’s not like I’ve given up on John, but I have to face the fact that he’s in a very different place now, and needs to focus on his family. That means I need to give him space; it’s exactly what he would do for me if our situations were reversed1. Considering the fact that the relationship, marriage, baby, and house weren’t on the horizon only half a year ago, it’s a very sudden change for me.
I’ve learned that all relationships — romantic or not — have unique beginnings and endings. Some are short-term and run their course quickly, others are long-term and last until passing, and they can all come and go at any point in our lives.
It makes me wonder when I’ll meet another friend I can spend time with the way I can with John. Someone I can call up and hang out with spontaneously, without feeling like I need to keep them entertained. Someone I can have on the phone without saying anything, and for whom I can have an excuse to cook. Someone around whom I can let my guard down, which is probably the most difficult thing for me to do when it comes to being social. There have been a few people like that through the years, but things fall apart, and that’s why I’m left here, missing the comfort of a close friend.
Although I’m sure it’d be easier for him cause I’m more dependent, even though I tend to be the one in control in our friendship. [↑]
It’s nice be able to stop thinking cause I’m on a mission to make sure everything goes well, to be able to put aside my own insecurities and nervousness for the sake of getting shit done, and be happy with the person I am when I can pull it all off.
Energy for the day, with chicken-apple sausages and the cutest single-serving bottle of Heinz ketchup.
Alayna booked me a room at the Hilton cause it’s literally a block away from the venue, and she knew I was coming from out of town. It was only John and I at the hotel that night, a little bit of privacy and peace we had together that worked to our advantage. The fact that he wasn’t nervous made me nervous, even though I knew that meant he was marrying the right one. While I wish I could have filmed the entire event, I knew my role was more important than that.
I finally got to meet his core group at the bachelor weekend, and I fucking love them. They’re amazing people1 with such intelligence and confidence and intensity, and I’m so proud that John can count them as among his closest. But I took the most pride in the fact that I was best man out of the wedding party of 16 people, as well as the only one going back to his elementary school and even high school days.
A view of City Hall, Nathan Philips Square, and John’s office in the financial district from the 27th floor. Toronto always seduces me at night.
It was great to see all of John’s family in one place; usually it’s scattered couples and kids at the cottage. Heather’s girls are growing up, and even Grandma Currie was able to make it despite the fact that she hasn’t been in good health.
The only time John choked up in the day was during in his speech at the reception, as he explained his dad’s influence on his life. When I’m commiserating with him, he always takes enough time between his words for the emotion to clear from his head, but when he was up at that podium he lost pace and the words got caught in his throat.
Reading Genesis in the Trinity College chapel at John’s old University of Toronto stomping grounds, as we wait for guests to be ushered to their pews.
It was only the second day I didn’t pick up the guitar since I got it. And while I haven’t been inspired to play every day, I’d still touch the strings at least once out of habit before going to bed. My fingers feel like they’ve already lost some flexibility, but at the same time I think the break reset some of my bad fretting habits.
Rice noodles smothered in peanut butter and soya sauce and sesame seeds. There’s so much comfort to be found in this food.
The more I come back to Toronto, the more I want to stay. I feel like there’s so much I want to leave behind in Ottawa. So many memories and emotions I’m trying to escape.
My friends are busy with their own marriages and kids, and I never see them anymore. I think moving will solve the occasional bouts of loneliness. But in the back of my head, I know it’s really my own introverted tendencies that keep me from exploring outside of my comfort zone, and I wonder if it’s my city that needs changing, or me.
One of whom has already had an award-winning CTV movie made about his life, starring Graham Greene. [↑]
Leonard has been fighting an upper respiratory infection for about a week now. It was probably his third since I got him a few months ago. Each time he couldn’t smell so he wouldn’t eat for about two days, but eventually he’d recover.
This time he didn’t eat for an extra day, and I noticed he was getting lethargic and dazed. He wouldn’t raise his head when I walked by, or fall into a sleep so deep that he rolled onto his side. Even when he was sick, he’d still purr tremendously if I picked him up, but even that stopped and he’d remain limp.
I’ve heard stories of cats not wanting to die in public places so they go somewhere quiet to pass away. And when he started crawling under my bed to sleep — which is a very unusual spot for him — I started getting worried.
Leonard meets John.
So I took him to the vet right away. He started deteriorating quickly between the time I called and the appointment. By the time I got there, his front paws were buckling when I tried to stand him up.
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Been living on too much sin and not enough sleep, though mostly it’s in the form of calories and sugar. Thank god I have an Asian metabolism.
Things are happening so quickly around me. Chris is getting serious with his girl. Pat and Jen had their first baby, a boy named Kyden. John’s getting married in April. (What? Yeah. What? Yeah.) Funny how I’m starting to feel like the one who’s all settled.
It makes me fantastically proud to say that I’ll be assuming best-man responsibilities, though I still asked John who he was going appoint cause I never feel like I can take anything in our friendship for granted. His anger at my having asked was probably the warmest gesture I’ve had in a while. That means with the bachelor party, the wedding, and another wedding I’ve to film, I’ll be driving to Toronto three times between now and spring.
I’ve already lost John to an extent, as he’s only had about two months to plan his wedding, and he’s been busy with such. But even though our phone calls were my main form of contact with the outside world, I haven’t noticed their absence, or as much as I thought I would at least. I think I’m getting used to being so out-of-touch with people. There’s so much fulfillment one can find in a book or a movie or an instrument, let alone the vastness of the internet.
One of my ventures was making a trial World of Warcraft account1, just so I could try being social at a distance, but I still couldn’t bother interacting with other people. And since the whole point of paying a monthly fee for an MMORPG is to have that kind of interaction, I stopped when I maxed out at level 202 on the third day. Good thing too, because it was the only thing I did for those three days.
I used to feel so guilty about being alone, thinking I should be taking advantage of some opportunity to be social. Then I realized that if I ever got too uncomfortable and lonely, I’d get up and do something about it. I’m too happy and too comfortable here right now. I think that’s why I can’t tell if this is where I’m going, or where I already am.
Which I’d previously vowed never to play, knowing my addictive nature to any character-building games, and WoWs never-ending gameplay. [↑]
I decided to work on Canada Day and take Monday off instead. It was strange to be productive when it seemed like everyone in this city was out celebrating in the strangling heat. At this time of year, I can’t help but think of eucalyptus oil first kisses blue blankets shy embraces, constantly unsure of whether the memories made me happy or sad. Canada Day will never be the same.
I was left feeling completely disconnected from the world. In my room, I wondered what Aaron was doing at his place this year. The fireworks popping outside my window were so loud it was as if they were going off in my back yard. I didn’t bother to look. It was still just another day.
Dolly can never resist sleeping on unfamiliar objects, such as John’s duffel bag.
The second plot was John passing through Ottawa for a bachelor party. It ended much earlier than expected after two days of debauchery that got too much for even him.
So we had a lot of extra time together over the long weekend though we didn’t do anything special. It was mostly games, sunshine, driving, three seasons of the IT crowd, popcorn, and duets. Also, three movies were watched: The Hangover (which I agreed not to watch until we saw each other again), The Prince of Tides (to switch gears a bit, and my third time seeing it this year), and The A-Team (which is what we decided on for a movie in the theatres, and the likes of which is generally only palpable during the summer in the company of other male friends).
I sort of…unplugged. Drifted off in the haze and lost my mind for a little while.
Ginger rose tea. Delish.
I also invited Heather and Sergey to pho with us because they had yet to meet John, and everyone got along swimmingly. I shouldn’t be surprised; Heather and Sergey are type to find something interesting about anything, and John’s the type to say interesting things.
John with his sherbert and holiday scruff, saying the kinds of things that make him popular to everyone.
Now I’m catching up on work and sleep and alone time.
I probably looked like this the whole weekend, cause it was non-stop awesomeness.
The Japanese Village
Last week, Aaron asked me if I wanted to go to The Japanese Village. I thought it was just to hang out, since we hadn’t had a guy’s night in a while, so I didn’t clue in that it was for my birthday until the day of. Aaron told me I could order anything I want, as it was his treat, but I ordered the only thing I ever get when I’m there; the filet mignon cooked medium rare, which I think is the best in the city. It was good to hang out with him and Trolley again.
And, of course, silliness is always present with these guys around.
John in town
John’s been working two straight months, without a weekend off. The last time was when he came to Ottawa to visit. Between all the activities, we only had enough time to watch one movie — American Graffiti — and between the two of us, we could sing every song that came from this film based in the 60s (me covering The Platters, him covering everything else).
I usually only get to see him once a year, so twice in two months was a special treat.
Cranium Party
I’d love to do games nights on a regular basis, but people aren’t available on the same days, so I used my birthday as an excuse to get as many people as possible together for a giant Cranium party. I told them that instead of giving me a present, they should just come to the party. It worked, and we had enough for four teams of three. Some people also brought snacks, like honey mustard pretzels, carrot cupcakes, and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
It was the highlight of the weekend.
Dim sum with my dad
On Friday, my dad called me to wish me a happy birthday, and told me he was in town for 10 days. We made plans to have dim sum. John came too, which is always interesting to see his reactions to what food is as the token white guy. I had a phoenix talons for the first time1, because I was feeling adventurous, and I have to say that they weren’t bad, but I didn’t care for them either. They’re too hard to eat, and the sauce wasn’t to my taste. It was strange to see both John and my dad at the same place, and in Ottawa instead of Toronto.
I told my dad he could probably sit and observe one of my Tai Chi classes, so he could see what I do, but he wasn’t interested, and I’ll admit that the indifference hurt a bit. Afterward, I asked John what he thought as a 3rd party observer, and he told me I had a good relationship with my dad. I’ll take his word for it.
I needed this
I needed this weekend so much. To recharge. To stop thinking about things. To get completely wasted. It felt like it was my birthday the whole weekend, and I wondered what I did to deserve it all.
It wasn’t the taste, but the look that has always prevented me from trying them. [↑]
Only a few people know I have a fascination with voices, diction, and accents. It’s for this reason that I tend to save my voice mails. Well, that and the fact that they can be an interesting time stamp, because what’s said in them can offer such a tangential view of your life. Here are two good ones in the past few weeks.
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The first is John, and now that he’s single, he’s available1 on Saturday nights. I happen to be both these things as well, though him much more recently, so having him approach me about my availability is awesome.
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The second is Heather, who has one of the nicest voices I’ve ever heard. It’s always soft and so sweet, with a slight tinge of raspy that gives it a bit of sexiness. Though, as a very shy and modest person, she would probably blush and smile if you ever told her.
This term between us usually refers to talking on the phone, playing a game, and watching a few videos. [↑]
I think god invented porn before he came up with men and then made us so he could blame it on someone else to the wife.
—John’s theory, as we were throwing around ideas for a camera phone that does 360 panoramas, so that callers could get context on who they’re calling
Naturally, this brainstorm session turned to pornography, as it has driven such technology in the past; the lack of pornography on Sony’s Betamax was one of the contributing factors that helped JVC’s VHS win the format war, driving Betamax into extinction. And more recently, Sony, having learned from their mistakes, won the current generation DVD format war with Blu-Ray against Microsoft’s HD-DVD, as movie studio backing, pornography, and games are undoubtedly driving this too.
