If this entry deserved a title, it would be “Really Really Really”.

Pat talks about how jealous Jen gets sometimes, and describes it as a heat emanating from her body, like a mild sun on the face that he can feel from across the room. We joke, we laugh, a good time is had by all.

Then I remember myself feeling that once, just once, on a day when she was insecure and someone else was talking to me a little too ebulliently. The look. THE LOOK she gave her, like a mother bear staring down someone who got between her and her cubs.

And I remember not liking that feeling, as if I was the one who had to apologize for something, when I had done nothing wrong at all.

But I think to myself, now, how I wouldn’t mind feeling that way just one more time.

>:)

…I knew jealousy would be the best ally I could call in for the furtherance of that end

—Mr. Rochester, Jane Eyre

I set jealousy traps. I don’t do it maliciously, and I don’t go out of my way to set them up. I just do it to gather information, to know where people stand. Does this make me a bad person? Perhaps, but I think that I’m as much at fault as the person who falls for such a thing. After all, jealousy to me is a superfluous emotion.

It’s AMAZING what some will do when they’re jealous.

I thought I knew what love was
until I pressed my lips to yours
and realized that I knew absolutely
nothing
of this contradictory feeling
a melting fire inside my mouth
you matched with the deepness
of your breath

I’m sorry, but I can’t go another day without telling you how much I want to feel your face beneath my fingers, how much I want to drag their trembling tips across your gentle skin. My mind swells with almost inclement desire, that I may consume your body or breathe in your being with every sigh you let out.

I want to run my fingers across the playful curve of your brow, the arching base of your nose, the edges of your supple lips. I want to feel your skin give beneath mine as it resists from the sultriness of your complexion. I want to explore every diminutive line in your face and examine every feature of your countenance. I want to graze the flourish of your lashes and kiss the corners of your exquisite, pointed mouth.

Even now my mind struggles with the words, the ineffable nature of my overwhelming appetite.

That you may be mine.

And no one else’s.

Jealousy is not a familiar emotion to me. I’m never jealous of what someone has, simply because I dislike comparing others with myself in terms of what one may earn/deserve. It’s only in my relationships which any sort of envious emotions surface, and even then, such an onerous emotion happens rarely to me.

Historically speaking, I’m generally over-confident, and such a mindset creates very worry-free relationships. It’s when I don’t have this confidence that my mind starts to wonder. In a way, this is my insecurity getting the better of me. It feels so odd to have to fight off this emotion, to have to constantly remind myself and keep my feelings in check. It’s almost an extreme test of how far I’ve come in my goal to be a cerebral person. When I try to calm myself down I can feel my mind evening out, like a melting candle, leveling out from heat.

So far, my jealousy has been easier to contain than I would have believed. Maybe I’m losing my insecurities better than I know, and I’ve come further as a person than I realized. Because of my inexperience with jealousy, I do salute any jealousy I experience as a mark of true love.

Perhaps some jealousy is a good thing.