equivocality — Jeff Ngan's collection of thoughts, experiences, and projects, inspired by pretty much everything
09 Nov 12

Escape from New York, part 2

Check out my short film about being Trapped in NYC.

I walk towards Penn Station, after being uncer­e­mo­ni­ously dumped along with sev­eral other con­fused pas­sen­gers at Grand Central by shut­tle. While it’s hard to get a sense of how long it’ll take, the grid gives me the courage to con­tinue on foot instead of wait­ing for a trans­fer­ring shuttle.

I carry screen­shots of a map on my phone, which I soon dis­cover is a poor sub­sti­tute for an actual map when nav­i­gat­ing New York. The roads occa­sion­ally run in strange direc­tions or skip num­bers, and it’s enough to throw off my orientation.

Still, the city feels smaller than I thought. So many sto­ries hap­pen here, told in movies and nov­els and songs, that I’ve always expected it to be a size rel­a­tive to the dreams peo­ple have. This is what F. Scott Fitzgerald must have felt when he climbed the Empire State Building1, saw the lim­its of the city for the first time from within, and was left “with the awful real­iza­tion that New York was a city after all and not a universe”.

New York apartment

 

I passed through here many years ago when I was too young to be scared of what could go wrong, and too much in love to care any­way. That jour­ney — on my way to Jersey by bus — was far longer than this one through Toronto by plane. I sur­vived then, that’s how I know I’ll sur­vive this, no mat­ter what happens.

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  1. The tallest man-made struc­ture in the world at the time, a record it would hold for 23 years. []
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13 Apr 12

There's someone I want you to meet.

He’s a great guy who looks par­tic­u­larly nice in a skinny tie. His deep, smokey eyes seem to slay every woman he meets, and even the ones he hasn’t yet. There’s a strap­ping mas­culin­ity that you like, car­ried in the angles of his face, but a gen­tle smile reveals his true personality.

He’s intel­li­gent enough to chal­lenge that mind of yours, but so down-to-earth that you’d never feel inad­e­quate. He’s con­stantly cre­ative and a musi­cal genius, and I know you’d appre­ci­ate his work as much as he’d appre­ci­ate yours, even if they’re in dif­fer­ent medi­ums. He can let loose and have a great time, but he’s respon­si­ble enough to know when to stop. He’s con­fi­dent, but mod­est. Funny with­out being crude or clown­ish. Thoughtful and kind. Generous with his time, his thoughts, his pos­ses­sions, and his life. He’s the total pack­age, but most impor­tant of all, I know he’d make you happy.

And while I’ve always been unbear­ably jeal­ous when I think of you with any­one else (and maybe I chose him cause I like to think he reminds me of myself), he’s the only guy I wouldn’t mind you being with if it can’t be me, cause it would be such a waste otherwise.

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17 Nov 11

a well-watered place

The fall is hold­ing out against the win­ter, trees clutch­ing bright leaves before the chill breaks their grips. It’s won­der­fully warm among such colours, and we walk in the val­leys of Appalachia to take in the smell of moun­tain air as rus­tic hands around us work live­stock and soil. In old Aramaic, Damascus means “a well-watered place”, a fit­ting name as the rain soon grows too heavy to be explor­ing the tiny town, pop­u­la­tion 981.

looking over a bridge

 

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19 Jun 11

Scotland, Day 7: Edinburgh

It’s slow going in the house of mirth. We’ve been explor­ing parts of Scotland every day, so we decided to take a day off to watch acclaimed British sit­coms and movies. I’m so happy here. It finally feels like I’m on vaca­tion, as Dennis likes to remind me when I say I shouldn’t eat any more ice cream. Where else does some­one keep my dishes delight­fully warm in the oven before serv­ing me? Luckily, Dennis is also some­thing of an accom­plished key­board player. Jamming with new peo­ple, learn­ing their unique strengths and the sound they can get from their instru­ments, is always more fun than I can describe.

Funny to think that we’d only met once before at Aaron’s wed­ding five years ago, and kept in touch from across of the pond. Introverts like us never for­get those kinds of con­nec­tions, cause it’s so rare to find a per­son to whom you can eas­ily talk for hours. He lives the same life I have now, the same life I see myself hav­ing many years into the future. Even our cats are alike.

conservatory

Dennis had this con­ser­va­tory built as a room where he could lounge dur­ing the day. The poly­car­bon­ate ceil­ing lets plenty of light through and keeps the space bright and warm and sunny and I’ve decided that I need a room like this.

When the sun sets it can get quite chilly, so then we move to the main room and put the fire on.

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12 Jun 11

France, Day 10: Paris

coucou les amis,

comme je l’ai déjà sig­nalé, nous organ­isons donc un petit apéro (et il y aura des trucs à grig­noter par la suite) ven­dredi prochain à par­tir de 19h et ça sera avec grand plaisir de vous accueil­lir tous.

les enfants sont les bien­venus bien sûr.

ça sera non seule­ment l’occasion de vous présen­ter Jeff, le vidéaste cana­dien avec lequel je tra­vaille et de lui dire au revoir car il par­tira samedi pour l’écosse mais égale­ment un bon pré­texte pour se retrou­ver entre amis afin de clô­turer la semaine comme il le faut! ;-)

alors au plaisir de vous voir tous ven­dredi prochain,
karin et olivier”

macaroons

This shop had some of the most unique mac­a­roon flavours I’ve ever tasted, Earl Grey and bub­ble gum being two of my favourites. Very fresh and rich and mouth-wateringly good.

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29 May 11

Dear Lisa

It was this suc­cinct wit. She could say so much in a line or two, and any­thing left unsaid would only serve to feed your curios­ity. You’d be given the punch­line, this blow that would knock the wind out of you, then won­der what cir­cum­stances could have led up to that. I’ve always been after that style, that abil­ity to move peo­ple with words the way hers used to move me.

Dolly and Lisa

Of course Dolly has to sleep on any­thing new in the house, regard­less of whether it’s your sweater or not. It’s part of the sass, and yet one can’t help but reward her with cud­dles and love.

For a few years, I lost her to the hap­pi­ness (where I hope to lose myself one day) until we spent a rainy day together, blissed out and hope­fully obvi­ous only to the check-out lady who scanned all our vari­eties of chocolate.

Dear Lisa believes in me, and that’s the only rea­son I believe in myself too.

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15 May 11

the greatest chaps

It was totally unfair that Shane was only in town for a sin­gle night, and then off to the next show in Kingston with Krista and Jesse and Audra the next morn­ing. I was look­ing for­ward to a week­end with him at least, but his tour com­mit­ments as bassist, backup vocals, sound tech­ni­cian, and dri­ver kept us apart.

Lederhosen Lucil

 

This was the first time I’ve seen Krista per­form as Lederhosen Lucil (and the fifth time I’ve been to her shows). It was an LL album that I first fell in love with, so this meant a lot. I totally had this awk­ward kiss? hug? kiss? moment with her when she got up to greet me while man­ning the cover box; I’ve never been very good at that. In the Fall she asked if she could have the Ottawa stop of her tour in my liv­ing room for an inti­mate House Show the Third, but that plan got derailed when I adopted Leonard, as two cats was too much for her aller­gies. Things worked out for the best. The Raw Sugar Cafe is such a great venue, with dry cider and mul­ti­ple escape routes.

These are the only peo­ple who could con­vince me to have break­fast with them at a diner on the other side of the city on three hours of sleep. At a table full of musi­cians it’s impos­si­ble not to abuse the theremin set­ting on the Bebot app, Mentok the Mind-Taker style. I was going to tell Shane to save me a seat next to him, but then real­ized I’m not in grade 2 anymore.

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11 May 11

Silk and Steel and Steve

I’ve always been after a more mel­low sound than what I can cur­rently get out my gui­tar. Madeleine sug­gested I try D’Addario Silk and Steel strings, so I bought a pack a few days ago and have been play­ing them since. I asked Steve to demo the strings, as well as my lovely gui­tar Larissa, cause my abil­i­ties aren’t good enough to really show her off.

Sometimes I love them cause they’re so bright and clear, other times I hate them cause the tone comes off as thin and frail; it really depends on what kind of music I’m play­ing. When Steve plays them they’re shock­ingly bright and pierc­ing com­pared to the sound I get; I’m not sure if it’s the dif­fer­ence in our nails or tech­nique (or both).

They’re def­i­nitely meant for fin­ger­pick­ing cause they’re so light1 that even mod­er­ate strum­ming will make them buzz, which severely lim­its my pos­si­ble reper­toire. On the bright side, it’s much eas­ier to fret barre chords, and cer­tain pas­sages that were a strug­gle to play cleanly only require a light touch now.

Another advan­tage is that the tone makes me feel like I’m play­ing a dif­fer­ent gui­tar. Even though it’s not quite the dry and mel­low sound of a clas­si­cal nylon, it’s some­what staving off my desire to buy the Taylor I’ve been eying2, but who knows how long that’ll last.

Steve’s the only per­son I know who lives by the gui­tar, both lit­er­ally and fig­u­ra­tively. I’ve seen such bril­liant things come out of his fin­gers. Sometimes in the mid­dle of a song I’m show­ing him, he’ll pick up the melody and go some­where com­pletely dif­fer­ent with it that’s more beau­ti­ful than the orig­i­nal. And even though he’s mainly a jazz guy (after Wes Montgomery), he can play any style from clas­si­cal to flamenco.

I’ve taken up his belief in not using a pick and stick­ing with my fin­ger­nails. “Just another thing between you and the gui­tar”, he said to me once. And when I explain how I’m stuck on some­thing he’ll say, “Have you done it three-and-a-half mil­lion times?” to remind me that anything’s pos­si­ble with enough prac­tice. He’s filled with all these tiny yet cru­cial bits of infor­ma­tion that have influ­enced how I approach the instrument.

  1. 0.11–0.47, but they feel like 0.10. []
  2. It just so hap­pens that Steve’s main gui­tar is the exact nylon-string Taylor hybrid I’ve been drool­ing over for months now. []
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19 Apr 11

Protected: haters

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11 Mar 11

Protected: My best friend's bachelor party

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11 Dec 10

UK Detour: Day 10, Chartres to London

On my last day in Rochefort-en-Terre, I receive an e-mail ask­ing for sup­port for my Wu Wei theme. This isn’t uncom­mon; ear­lier this year, Wu Wei was cho­sen to be part of the offi­cial WordPress.com repos­i­tory, and I’ve been flooded with such e-mails since. What stood out about this one, from a Michael Harvey, was the fact that he was in London, read from my blog that I was in France, and offered to show me around if I hap­pened to be stop­ping by.

I told him it’d be lovely if I could go, but I’ve no place to stay, as I’d only planned on going to France. On a whim of his own, he offers to let me stay with him, and tells me I’d feel at home as they have two cats.

For a while I turn this idea over in my head, as there’s most cer­tainly a risk involved in liv­ing with some­one you’ve never met, least of all whether or not you’d even get along. Eventually, I decide that I couldn’t give up on the chance to see more of Europe. Fate opened a door, and I only had to step through. I couldn’t say no.

And so, armed with a ticket for the EuroStar and a box of assorted mac­a­roons (one of the spe­cial­ties in Chartres) for my new host, I set off for London.

Chartres train station

In Chartres, wait­ing for the train to Paris — Gare Montparnasse.

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21 Sep 10

Meeting Sikander and Lunato

I’ve known Sikander for a few years now, but the extent of our inter­ac­tion only hap­pened online. We knew each other through the Ottawa blog­ging com­mu­nity, but at this point, nei­ther of us can remem­ber who found who first.

Now he lives in Toronto with Lunato, which I didn’t know wasn’t her real name, and whom is now his wife (I think they were just room­mates when Sikander and I first started talk­ing). I’d see lit­tle glimpses of their lives through their pic­tures, along with their per­pet­ual smiles, kawaii details, and mot­ley assort­ment of friends. It was inter­est­ing to see how two peo­ple from dif­fer­ent cul­tures could get along so well; as Sikander said to me, he used to be a good Muslim boy before he met her.

Sikander and Lunato

Coolest cou­ple ever.

They hap­pened to be in town for a wed­ding, and it was the per­fect chance to finally meet in per­son. We set­tled on some gelato over which to talk; I always mar­vel at how small the cup sizes look, and then how full I am after a medium.

Love by Oka

 

We’d send music back and forth over the years, though usu­ally it usu­ally stays in the ambi­ent, elec­tronic genre between us. Funny story: Lunato told me she liked my video of Hong Kong mar­kets, and it was actu­ally Sikander who gave me that music from the Code 49 sound­track (which I slowed down about 50%). He said it sounded famil­iar but never real­ized where it came from.

Before part­ing ways, Sikander gave me an album by Oka, an Australian elec­tronic reggae/dub out­fit. He once saw them per­form at a busker fes­ti­val in Toronto (though they’re not buskers), and it was the first hard-copy piece of music we shared. A music rec­om­men­da­tion is always gift, and an actual phys­i­cal album feels all the more special.

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06 Sep 10

marathon

Eating Coke candy for break­fast this morn­ing may not have been the great­est idea, but I think the virtue of hav­ing some­thing to chew (and decid­edly yummy, at that) was the only thing keep­ing me awake after film­ing two wed­dings in two days, and hence alive after my drive back to Ottawa on only a few hours of sleep.

Sheer force of will kept me going through the week­end, though I’m sure that remem­ber­ing to stay hydrated helped too. I wanted so badly to pull it all off, just to know I could do it. At one point, dur­ing a gap of time when the wed­ding party was tak­ing a break, I went to my car, put the seat back, cov­ered my eyes, and passed out for about 25 min­utes. Normally, I can’t sleep except in the most com­fort­able of con­di­tions, but such was the extent of my exhaustion.

Beginning the sec­ond wed­ding was the most men­tally chal­leng­ing part, know­ing I had another 14 hour day ahead of me when I barely got any sleep and my body was start­ing to feel the sore from run­ning around with so much cam­era gear strapped to me the pre­vi­ous day.

Me and Mike

 

I was lucky enough to meet Mike, an assis­tant pho­tog­ra­pher and cute Italian guy who car­ries this casual atti­tude about him that lets peo­ple bring their guard down around him. I’ve needed to meet some­one like him for so long, just to remem­ber the world isn’t all tragedy and cyn­i­cism. I also got to see Preston, and even though I never had a chance to catch up with him, it was good to know he was doing alright.

The final tally for the last two days and nights:

Hours slept: 11
Hours spent film­ing: 30.5
Number of movie clips taken: 939
Gigs of footage taken: 116.93
Number of pounds of cam­era gear car­ried on each day: 19.5
Kilometres dri­ven: 1376.13
Courses eaten at recep­tion din­ners: 15
Red pock­ets received: 1
Cousins seen: 6
Names for­got­ten: 3
Kitties pet­ted: 1
Hugs given/received: 7
Canon 70-200mm lenses seen: 5
Cantonese words spo­ken: 29
Years since I last saw Preston: 8
Chocolate cov­ered espresso beans eaten: 10
Chocolate cov­ered straw­ber­ries eaten: not nearly enough
Ukuleles strummed: 1
Words exchanged with dad: 34
Kisses from aunts: 1
Number of bite marks on fore­arm from try­ing to stay awake dur­ing drive home: 4
Painkillers taken: 3

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23 Aug 10

My cousin Chris

I’ve only shared about two con­ver­sa­tions in my life with Chris — the last of which was about seven years ago — owing to the fact that we live on oppo­site coasts of the coun­try. But Darren and I rec­og­nized him as one of us: some­one who thinks for him­self and doesn’t buy into the whole Chinese cul­ture unques­tion­ingly. This is in con­trast to many of our other cousins, who seem to love their par­ents sim­ply because they were birthed by them, not nec­es­sar­ily because their par­ents are good people.

Chris hap­pened to be pass­ing by for a wed­ding, so I hosted him for two days. It was inter­est­ing to meet him at this point in our lives. I won­der if I’m actu­ally more sim­i­lar to Chris than I am to Darren, mainly because of how our cre­ativ­ity defines us. It was so easy for me to relate and talk to him. And as with Darren, I actu­ally felt like Chris was fam­ily, closer to a brother than a cousin, which is all too rare among my blood.

As an indus­trial designer he does amaz­ing draw­ings, full of vibrant colours that pop-off the page. I asked him to draw some­thing on my dry erase board because draw­ing is a cre­ative abil­ity not in my pos­ses­sion, and I find the process fas­ci­nat­ing. It was a logis­ti­cal chal­lenge because he would smear his exist­ing work every time he rested his hand on the board for stability.

He’s my exact oppo­site when it comes to health. He’s a vegan, while I’d find it impos­si­ble to give up meat, let alone but­ter and ice cream. He just lit­er­ally biked 100km a day across Canada, while my lifestyle could be con­sid­ered seden­tary at best, with only Tai Chi and some mild cal­is­then­ics in my exer­cise rou­tine. And yet we’re the same weight and shape. It’s sort of eerie to see him draw­ing in this video; aside from a shorter hair­cut, it’s almost like I’m watch­ing myself.

The time he spent here passed quickly, as I intro­duced him to the ukulele. Aside from catch­ing up and learn­ing about each other, most of the two days were spent exper­i­ment­ing and play­ing together. Eventually, we went to a music store and bought him his own Mahalo ukulele, which filled my heart with glee. Darren and Jeff are com­ing up for a visit next week, and hope­fully Chris will be able to hitch a ride with them for our ukulele band before we all head back to Toronto for Crystal’s wedding.

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09 Aug 10

second show

I was sup­posed to hang out with Jesse last week­end. We were going to jam and talk and throw around ideas, and I was really look­ing for­ward to it because we always seem to be doing some­thing when we’re together instead of just chillin.

See, it’s right here on his sched­ule, between Floors and Dinner.

Jesse's schedule

Unfortunately, I devel­oped my annual case of strep throat that day and had to stay away from everyone.

Then, on Friday as I was going back through our e-mail cor­re­spon­dence, I real­ized that Jesse invit­ing me to play ukulele meant play­ing a house party on Saturday. We met up about two hours before we were on and had a very quick rehearsal to work out some parts with­out Nic being able to back us up, as well as extra bits and pieces of songs I fig­ured out over the week. Being so rushed was prob­a­bly a good thing; it kept my mind off the nervousness.

Turns out it was an out­door gig play­ing to a group of hip­sters at a bar­be­cue, and we were open­ing. It didn’t go ter­ri­bly well. At one point in the mid­dle of Write Protected I screwed up the strum­ming so badly that we had to stop the song and restart, but we quickly picked up on a count of four and went on with­out another hitch. Jesse remarked that it was good prac­tice for next time, because prob­lems come up that you never think of when you’re in a new environment.

This time it was a tun­ing peg that some­how got knocked in the mid­dle of the set. I only dis­cov­ered this once the song had started — and I was the only one play­ing so I couldn’t stop. It must have been off by an entire semi-tone cause it totally messed up my senses and I had a hard time telling if I was even play­ing the right chords. It was also night by the time our set ended, and I had a hard time see­ing the frets, which only added to the confusion.

Note to self: strum once to before each song to make sure the instru­ment is in tune.

I did, how­ever, learn from the last show to bring a side-table to use as a step­ping stool. Usually, I sit when prac­tic­ing, but at the 160 Workshops show I had to stand; not being used to the pos­ture meant I was con­stantly adjust­ing the uke in the arm between verses and com­ing in late in the bar as a result. I brought a lit­tle Ikea side-table this time, and it worked really well.

Even with all the glitches, as rushed and under-rehearsed as we were, it was a fan­tas­tic time and a great experience.

The next set was in the base­ment, with a girl and guy look­ing like they were kids dressed up and pre­tend­ing to be Ziggy Stardust, singing to generic elec­tron­ica. And peo­ple were lov­ing it in their slow-nodding, hip­ster kind of way, although the weed and booze may have helped (Audra would later remark to me that it was hard to tell how into it peo­ple were cause of how cool every­one was try­ing to act).

I also missed see­ing a very drunk Tina cor­ner Jesse. I could totally see this being her scene.

Pizza with girls

Check out Audra sport­ing her styl­ish Hurley cap.

Jesse was being inter­viewed later that night and also wanted to stay to see Matt play, so the girls and I headed to grab a bite to eat. Audra bought us all pizza and drinks at a nearby pizze­ria, which had the BEST CRUST I’ve ever tasted.

Before the end of the night, in a good mood and feel­ing safe, I admit­ted to Em my crush on her boyfriend. She took it well.

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