I understand. A lack of feedback is the ultimate test of confidence, one of the many crucibles of a relationship. The strong make it through, the weak fall apart.

I have to be strong. I have to cast aside my insecurities, and not look back. I have to trust in Louise as much as she trusts in me. I have to be more open, more communicative. How can I be sure of what she thinks if I don’t speak to her first?

I have to be strong. I have to treat Louise better. She shouldn’t be paying for my bad days. I have to push through the weight, or we both pay, the vicious bad-mood cycle. I have to be firm first, or there is nothing for her to support.

I have to be strong. I once asked Louise for three things, and I can’t be scared to ask for others. I have to take that leap of faith, because love is nothing without risk.

Do people really become stronger from pressure? I’ve always cracked, and it feels like I’m cracking now. Is this what the strong have gone through?

No one can promise that I won’t get hurt. No one can help me.

And I have to be strong enough to deal with both.

I haven’t written a contemplation entry in ages. Things have been pushed aside to make way for new exploration and comprehension.

For so long, I’ve tried to wait before writing about this. My inexperience, and possibly even insecurities, have caused me to approach this subject slowly and carefully. Every day a new idea, a new understanding, a new emotion, a new strength. I’ve felt as if I’ve known so little, but am now beginning to make progress in my learning, am now beginning to understand the immensity of this lifestyle.

Now, there are now too many thoughts to go without record, and I must write.

In the last month I have felt the best and worst about myself in my life.

No wonder I’m insecure.