- John: What are you up to tonight?
- Me: Some masturbating, some crying, maybe both at the same time.
- John: That’s a page out of last night’s playbook for me.
On being single for four years (or two days)
1
My boner says you're a woman
This is awesome.
So the English word “serendipity”, which is difficult to translate into other languages, comes from a story named The Three Princes of Serendip. If you’re interested, you can read story in it’s entirety (it’s short) on Wikipedia.
The strangest part is when one of the princes deduces that a woman was nearby:
I guessed that the camel must have carried a woman, because I had noticed that near the tracks where the animal had knelt down the imprint of a foot was visible. Because some urine was near by, I wet my fingers and as a reaction to its odour I felt a sort of carnal concupiscence, which convinced me that the imprint was of a woman’s foot.
Which basically means that this guy noticed a puddle of pee, dipped his fingers in it, smelled his fingers, then got horny, plus or minus hard-on.
That is some medieval Sherlock Homes deduction shit going on there. What if he later found out it was really moose pee? Would he be able to admit to himself that he was sexually attracted to moose?
No One Gets My Humour
Sometimes, my sarcastic humour is so dry and subtle that people who don’t know me very well think I’m being serious. I try to say things that are so ridiculous they can only be taken as a joke, but it doesn’t always work. Example:
Yesterday, Jairus made pulled pork sandwiches (took him 8 hours!) that smelled soooo good they made me hungry, even though I had just eaten a huge dinner. As we were watching A Jihad For Love (about the coexistence of homosexuality and Islam), Jesse said, “Too bad these Muslims wouldn’t be able to enjoy this delicious pulled pork sandwich”. I said, “Oh, cause it’s pulled”, in a tone like I had just realized something, but what I thought was a joking manner. Everyone turned their heads at me, Ian said, “Cause it’s pork, yeah”, and he lingered on that yeah really slowly, like he was embarrassed for me, then everyone turned back to the TV. I’m pretty sure they all think I’m an idiot now, and that I thought Muslims have something against animals when they’re slow-cooked in vinegar sauce.