I can’t fall back asleep. I’m still on holiday schedule, which is all about staying up late and taking naps, not being in bed by ten then waking up halfway through the night. Six fresh mosquito bites don’t help the sleeping process either.

Anyway, what I meant to say is that I’m grateful to have this when life proves to be a little too overwhelming and I prove to be all too human. When there’s no one else to turn to for some reason or another. When Beth’s vocals or orchestral pop noir romantique don’t help, or help enough.

It’s good to know that I have something, and sometimes I have to remind myself of that.

19. Have you ever been in love? Unfortunately.

—LBJ

Well, here we are again.

I used to think that love was only pain. That was when the only experiences I had with love were bad, when everything I ever felt was unrequited. The fact that I felt this way was representative of the fact that I hadn’t gotten over those feelings at the time. How childish, inexperienced, confused, immature I was. This feeling shaped much of my personality in the last few years, although I’ve recently been able to come out of such an emotional blockade.

Having a relationship where most feelings, however confused, however torrential, however temporary, were shared, has allowed me to come to terms with the past. Such an incident has benefited me greatly, has let me know that I’m not so numb anymore, that it’s possible for such a relationship to exist even if I may never experience it again. Perhaps I was so scared that I would never fall in love again that any such experience would have shocked me into getting over what had happened in the past.

Now I embrace the feeling of love, embrace the fact that the simple act of listening to a song can fill me such poignancy, completely regardless of whether it’s good or bad. Not only do I enjoy being able to care for someone, I enjoy missing them as well, as difficult as it can be. I like the fact that something can turn me terribly, illogically weak. Every emotion involved, whether it’s pleasurable or painful, fills me with the urge to write, to create, to express. This is what I look for. This is what I need.

Now only good can come of love.

A few factors have helped make things easier in the last little while, but perhaps the most significant is the realization that almost nothing around me has changed. That all cerebral influences have remained fairly static in activity.

And I think to myself, “How could I have been so stupid? How did I not come to this realization sooner?”

And having lived a little more, loved a lot more, everything seems brighter.

Yo.

It’s been difficult to write lately. Sometimes I peruse other peoples’ blogs, note their wit and style, and wish I could write as interestingly as they do. Then I remember that I only write for myself anyway and that it doesn’t matter if I sound boring or pretentious. Nevertheless, my writers’ block has partially been due to the fact that I’ve been experiencing some odd mood swings. It’s not even so much due to the ephemeral nature of my emotions, but more related to the fact that I don’t understand what I’m feeling.

Some things make me happy. Some things make me depressed.

I think I’m mostly just content, which is a feeling I’m not quite used to yet. It’s almost as if I’m floating in a pool of lukewarm liquid, unsure of what my senses tell me. All I know is that my dysthymic phase has long left me. For now, I have resigned myself to experiencing such emotions with an open mind, with the hope that I will some day understand them.

I remember wanting to keep my emotions in check a long time ago, wanting to become a completely cerebral person. Nowadays, I’m not so sure that this was such a good idea, not that I’ve been able to fully succeed in such a monstrous task. Perhaps a balance is needed in something such as this as well. A lack of emotions may cause a better appreciation for the few emotions one experiences, or vice-versa.

My rationale has changed on this because my experiences have changed. Growing up in a chaotic world of confusion and pain, I wanted an emotional barrier to prevent any further mental agony. Now, I’ve accomplished more, loved more, been loved more, and felt more. Perhaps I now feel that happiness is worth the possibility of mental anguish. Sometimes it feels as if I’m waiting for a terrible incident to revert my views. Life, however, seems to be getting better.

I just wish I knew what I was feeling.

People who know me know that I generally tend not to get my hopes up. I never see the point. If I get my hopes up and things work out in my favour, then I would have expected such an outcome, and I become unappreciative. If things don’t work out, then I feel even worse than had nothing happened. On the other hand, if I don’t get my hopes up, I’ll feel great when I get my way, or I’ll feel fine when nothing works out.

Yet I can’t help but get my hopes up for what the future may hold. Lately, things have been going well in such a way that I feel comforted. Jonathan has made a great attempt at trying to get me a computer related job with a decent salary. I applied to a beautiful apartment with Nick which, I was told, I should have no trouble obtaining occupancy. I will be graduating soon, and free to live my life with a freedom only matched from the summer days of my childhood.

But most bright to me seems to be the future with my friends. I’ve met a great bunch of people, of which I immensely enjoy hanging out with. They have offered to help me move. They enjoy the same things I do. They are people I can confide in. They have gotten excited about my tenancy with Nick. Who else do I know is interested in my happiness? What other friends that I’ve had are so keen in spending time with me?

My friends make the future seem warm and bearable. Even when I admit to myself the way the future may work out, the fact that I may not get this job and industry connection, the fact that my rental application may be denied, I can’t imagine anything going wrong with these wonderful people. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t feel this way, that I could keep my mind in check. But I can’t.

And I don’t care.