It’s times like this I wish I had someone to take care of me¹, because I’m tired of taking care of myself.

1. Pat once told me there should be a person in every group who’s always controlled, calm, and together (in case of emergency, or otherwise), and he tries to be this person. It must be true, because he’s my rock, the friend who has never let me down. I once asked him if this idea extended to his marriage, and he told me that it applied to 90% of the time. But for the other 10%, when he’s tired, unmotivated, and doesn’t care anymore, Jenny takes over, and he admitted to me that he’s become dependent on this. [↑]

My spirit is burnt and there’s blood on my hands
The more I’m down, the less I understand
Once so found, now so lost
I ask no questions,
It’s just one more bridge to cross

—Black Label Society, Bridge To Cross

I feel like a complete wreck. Between the deadlines at work are the constant fires I’m responsible for putting out that slow my progress to a halt. My office is a flurry of paper drafts, computer parts, miscellaneous boxes, and to-do reminders. Concentration is difficult because I’m starting to get lethargic and weak. I haven’t eaten anything decent in a week, although I seem to be stomaching certain foods better today. I left work early to see a doctor at the walk-in clinic, only to find out that the volume of patients had already exceeded the available business hours for the day. I feel so helpless when I’m sick. All I can do is put the right things in my body, keep the wrong things out, and wait for my immune system to catch up. It’s tortuously frustrating.

John changed his availability at the wedding after I already requested that Tom squeeze him in. This not only reflects very poorly on me when I have to ask Tom to change his plans again, but also means that one of the only people who could save me won’t be there. I’m going to this wedding as a special favour to Tom (the reason for which I’ve chosen not to discuss until afterward) because I respect him and want to support him, and that’s more important than anything else. Even Aaron seems to be breaking my balls today, but I’m trying to assume that it’s just me.

For the first time in my life, I snapped outright. A completely unexpected, physical, violent outburst.

 

To calm myself down, I bought an M249 Para, a Fabrique Nationale Five-SeveN (20 rounds a magazine make this a personal favourite), some kelvar, and perched atop a tactical staircase, guarding myself against an army of knife wielding enemies. I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t help, if only for a little bit. 6x anti-aliasing isn’t hard to look at either.

I’m trying to be stoic, but it’s difficult when I’m not only mentally, but physically drained as well. All I need to do is make it through the month. One day at a time.