There is a risk, there’s a risk when your dealing with love
You could snap my neck
Any speed you drive can be dangerous
When this frame fails me
Will I trust you to carry me through?
I know there’s no such thing as safety
But I know what a promise can do

—Trust, Thrice

I’ve alway been one to put a little too much faith into people. Although this often ends up hurting the parties involved, myself included, I’ve always felt like it was worth it. I’d rather give someone the benefit of the doubt, and perhaps this is why I end up being let down so much (John would add that my intolerance is partially to blame). Some people don’t like to take that risk and need others to make the first step, need others to make that leap of faith. I know, because in some cases, I used to be one of them. One may hold back until they know that the other person has as much at risk as they do. It’s the easiest way to not get hurt.

There’s always one person who has to make that first step, to lay everything on the line. It’s one person who has to be the first to go for a kiss, the first to say, “I love you”, without knowing what the other person will say in return. It makes it easier, of course, if one can understand or accept the fact that there are risks involved in any sort of relationship, that not everything will go the “right” way.

There’s a Simon and Garfunkle song that goes, “The roller coaster ride we took is nearly at an end / I bought my ticket with my tears, that’s all I’m gonna spend”. When Paul Simon penned those lyrics, in the manner which he plays with words and rhymes to create his beautiful, renowned lyrical verses, he should have written, “That’s all I need to spend”. There’s absolutely nothing more that one can give.

Tears are a small price to pay for a chance at happiness.

With change comes the need for control.

And with emotions running through me in an almost uncontainable, effusive manner, that need for control has never been more necessary.

Usually, this comes easily. It feels as if I’ve been training my whole life for such a thing, that I’ve spent most of my time working towards becoming a cerebral person. Except that in the past, it’s was to edulcorate the pain.

Now, it’s to control the happiness. The almost ineffable feeling of euphoria.

Sometimes, I can barely contain the surge of emotion, and I have to stop myself from acting out, to keep my mind in check. I refuse to be one who acts out of emotion. I refuse to be one who’s at the whim of whatever mood I’m in.

I will be stronger than that which has become so important to me. I will be in control of that which I’ve sought so long to have.

Because balance is more important than happiness.

Emotional. Oh so emotional. Maybe it was the pint, maybe it was the atmosphere, maybe it was the presence of others, maybe it was the second-hand compliment, maybe it was the raw night sky, maybe it was the Moon Mix pumping in my ears.

I just know that I’m happy.

And loving every minute of it.

So today I woke up at around eight, checked my daily blogroll, found out that I have $6 in my bank account, cooked some breakfast, went back to bed. I got a call letting me know that I’ve been hired for a new job, my highest paying one to date, ending to my fourteen month unemployment stretch. Got dressed, bought a bus pass, went to school, ate lunch, skipped the last half of class. On the way home I bought a book, looked for a wristband, finished reading a chapter from my economics textbook. Got another call, letting me know that my application with Trolley and Wheaties into a beautiful 16th floor apartment has been accepted. And here I am, sitting in my furnished apartment next to my cat, watching people improv characters on a GO train.

I start work tomorrow. I’m scheduled for a table tennis marathon with Pat this month. My pork chop defrosted in time for dinner. Things are getting even better.

More than 170 people were killed today, in a war I know nothing about, concerning things I don’t understand, with people I’ve never met, at a place half the world away.

This is the first time that I’ve ever felt guilty to be happy.

I feel like speaking tonight. I feel like expressing myself in some way, but can’t focus on what I want to say. I feel like I’m totally addicted. I feel like sharing something that’s completely embarrassing, like the face trace trick or the wing chun dream.

I feel like singing. I feel like shouting. I feel like everything is just right.

I feel like I finally have people I can hang out with. I feel like I’ve finally had a meaningful relationship.

I feel like I can dream without disappointment. I feel like I can think without hurting. I feel like I can admire without jealousy.

I feel like every song is the last I’ll ever hear. I feel like I’m finally living.

I feel happy.