God, I’m fucking exhausted. The day was a mix of nervousness. Partly shy, partly anxious, partly caffeinated. People testing me, people appreciating me, people who call me brother.

As much as I’ve grown, as far as I’ve come, there are still things that are difficult to do.

All I want to do now is write, but I’m too tired. Life is moving at a quickened pace. I came here to vent, but all I’ve done is barely scratch the surface. Oddly enough, I still feel better. I think of calling John, but I hear him explaining my thoughts to me, in my head, and suddenly, everything makes sense.

It’s like Louise and cuts. When getting a cut, her first instinct is that it hurts, but when she realizes that they’re supposed to hurt (what I see as the nature of perfection), they cease to hurt.

Many things to say, but this is the most relevant right now. This also happens to touch on almost every aspect of my life, and I find myself considering things from a gigantic range of angles. Unfortunately, I can only briefly touch on each of them, in an effort to stave digression.

The first and most important goal I’ve ever had was to gain a healthy amount of confidence by the time I was middle-age. This was so that I could enjoy at least half of my life as a strong individual. I set this goal because I realized that I had an unhealthy amount of self-doubt, which contributed to a depressing life and lifestyle, as well as unrealized potential.

This meant fighting off the insecurities that were bred into me, which amounted to most of my childhood. It hasn’t been easy in the last couple of years, but it’s worked. Every six months, I’d realize how much I grew. This time, I realize that I’m there.

I finally feel like I’m in control of my life. I speak to people differently. I think differently. Instead of avoiding conflict, I can meet it head on. For me, this was probably the most difficult thing to do ever imagine doing. I would plan my life around such an avoidance, from my friends to my relationships. I had a conflict phobia, an illogical fear of a specific situation, but I fought against it and won. In psychology, people overcome their phobias by remaining relaxed in the face of their fears (because one cannot mentally be relaxed and scared at the same time). I had the opportunity to do this, by placing myself in uncomfortable situations over the last four months, and approaching them cerebrally at the same time.

I also have to say that a major contributing factor to the success has been going through the D/s lifestyle with Loo. Having a submissive as experienced as she was, placing her trust in me, gave me a significant boost in confidence. She once pointed out to me while watching Secretary, that Edward Grey’s confession to Lee Holloway about previously being shy was a very accurate detail. In Loo’s experience, many put in a dominant position are able to break out of their shells, and I never understood or believed her until now.

So now that I’m here, where do I go? I’ve accomplished the biggest goal in my life, something I’d planned on working on for the next ten years, and it feels like I’ve lost a major part of my reason for living. I feel like an astronaut who dreamed of landing on the moon as a child, only to accomplish the goal and realize that he had never dreamed of anything else.

I suppose I still have the rest of my life to decide.

I find myself handling this surprisingly well. I’m not consumed by nervousness and I only dwell on the situation when I wake up at night, and my subconscious crosses the barrier into a languid, sleepless world for an hour or so.

I called John, my diplomatic consigliere, and past his initial reassurances that I won’t be killed in a public place (where the second introduction is to take place), he affirmed the soundness of my plan. The key is to not try to explain myself and my actions and simply ask for forgiveness. Any explanation would be taken as a defensive action or excuse. In this position, one has no right to say anything else. This is quite different from the other times I’ve called him when I’ve been in a difficult situation; normally, I’m at a loss but almost invariably John can come up with the best plan of action. This time, I know what I’m doing, and I simply had to run my idea past him.

A very comforting formality.

Or perhaps it’s just the right idea. Even John has to agree that this is the smartest move to make. I have nothing to lose. I’ve already lost it. I’m just trying to get it back.

The best part is that I’m not forcing myself to do this in any way. I know what should be done, and I’m doing it. The fact that I’m comfortable with this, and that I’m taking the initiative to see it through, already proves to myself how much I’ve grown. Just going through with it is not an accomplishment to be taken lightly.

I already know what album I’ll be listening to on the ride back.

I’m at the point now where I don’t need to carry around a notebook to keep track of the subjects and ideas I want to write about later. There are so many things to say that I only end up remembering the important ones anyway. It’s like a subconscious way of filtering out the things that aren’t worth mentioning.

A good feeling. As if life never ceases to be interesting, and there’s always something to experience, to learn, and to tell.

it’s difficult to be upright and perverse, emotional and intellectual, impenetrable and vulnerable, without sacrificing the integrity and value of all of them.

—corus aquilo

This is the first time that a comment has been so good, it spawned another entry (although I fail to see how being a well-rounded individual has anything to do with personal identity, so I cut that part out).

In P.E. during high school, I learned that there’s no such thing as the perfect athlete. If someone builds up their speed, they lose endurance. If someone works on their strength, they lose flexibility. To be a perfect athlete is impossible, because there’s a very strict physical limitation involved.

To be well rounded in a much more general sense, to be a modern day (non-pedagogically relevant) Renaissance Man, on the other hand, is only limited by the mind. This means that many qualities do not oppose each other the way physical qualities do. One can be cerebral, intellectual, yet emotional at the same time. One can be firm and opinionated about recycling, yet open-minded about god and religion, all at once. One can appreciate fucking hard and fucking gently, because one does not take away from the other.

The key to this is a separation of self from bias. One has to be able to appreciate anything from any other point of view. To do this requires an almost purely subjective mindset, tearing oneself away of ones own bias. Only then can one improve in any aspect. The hardest thing, as noted by corus aquilo, is keeping the integrity and value of both, because appreciation, not enjoyment, is the true measure of being rounded. They may go hand-in-hand, as appreciation often leads to enjoyment, but it’s the basis of such that becomes important. There’s a fine line between those who enjoy a box of Kraft Dinner as much as 20 oz. New York steak, and those who can appreciate the two. The former is considered a person with no taste, the latter can be considered a cosmopolite.

The Olympic decathlon record holder often holds the title of “the Worlds Greatest Athlete”. It’s the only objective test of all around athletic ability, measured in speed, spring, strength, and stamina. To be a better person in the general sense, is to be a rounded in much the same manner. The measure is anything from conversational skills, to generosity, to golf handicap, to patience, to academic achievements.

The only objective test is life.