My aunt and uncle happened to be in town from B.C. yesterday, so they took me out to dinner and brought their son along. I don’t believe I had met any of them before, although they all seemed familiar. A difficulty I have with the Chinese culture is the fact that everyone is called aunt or uncle if they’re older, even if they’ve just been met. Our actual relatives (the aunts and uncles related by blood), however, have a completely different name system, mostly based on rank and which side of the family they are from. The problem ends up being the fact that I have no idea what the names of these people are, since we don’t append a first name to “aunt” or “uncle”, and I ran into that specific problem yesterday. I was able to go the entire dinner without having to call any of them by name though, so I escaped with my ignorance in ignorance.

My parents want me to stay a week when I go back home, instead of heading straight to John’s cottage and coming back here. I’m not quite sure what to do. There isn’t that much for me to do at home, especially with John living far away and attending summer school, Darren working, and a frustratingly slow P200 in the study. I’ve been informed that my Uncle Eddie and Aunt Margaret are arriving tonight from Hong Kong, and that my parents would like for me to see them before they leave. I don’t really know these people very well, since we live on different continents, so getting to know them better after gaining some maturity would be nice. I wish Priscilla was coming too, so I could find out more about her. She’s a mystery to me, someone who doesn’t seem to share her thoughts or feelings, as if she’s grown bitter with her life but puts on a smile so she doesn’t raise any questions. I have a lot of respect for her scholarly pursuits and want to know more. I don’t know if I could last a week, bored at home, without WC3 to play with Jackee.

I’ll be missing Drew’s kegger this Friday, which is too bad because I’ll be missing another chance at seeing him drunk. Drew is one of those guys who doesn’t seem to get drunk that often, but when he does, he becomes slightly charismatic and talks without restrain.

I’ve been getting quite a few invites to camping trips and LAN parties, but unfortunately, having a ride is the key aspect. Only a few people have cars, and even fewer of them happen to be friends I’m comfortable with asking for a ride. It’s too bad, because so many things that I want to be able to do require an automobile. Even heading out to the golf course with Aaron is pain just because I’d have to lug my clubs on the bus. I’m not as desperate as Aaron to get one, but I’m sure I will be someday.

Well, things just can’t get any better.

Yesterday I found out that my contract, which expires in December, will most likely not be renewed. This could mean that I will be out of a job when I graduate, since my position will be filled by a full-time employee. If things get busier at the office, then I might be asked to come back again. Until then, I might not know. The availability of a full-time position will not be known until next years budgeting comes around, which is usually around March.

This afternoon, I also found out that my grandmother passed away. I didn’t find out any of the details, which is one of the few times that I’m glad of my ignorance. It saddens me that I didn’t get to see her one last time, to show her that I cared about her, the next opportunity being within a months time. Yet she didn’t last the wait, and my chance, twice passing, has been missed. My parents will be attending the ceremonies by flying to Hong Kong on Tuesday. I haven’t cried yet, and I probably won’t.

And apparently, according to some Chinese tradition, the death of a loved one means that one cannot visit any other family members within 49 days of the death. Which means that I won’t be able to go to Hong Kong for Christmas vacation, something which I’ve been looking forward to with unspeakable pleasure. The tradition is not something that I would generally honour, given the circumstances, but since it is important to my other grandmother, I easily, stoically abide by the rules of the funeral ceremony.

I will miss the Christmas lights and spirit, the cooler, more tolerable weather. I will miss my chance to purchase a much needed leather jacket, to buy presents for my friends, to do some much needed relaxation.

But what can I do? Feel sorry for myself? I believe that this is the worst string of news I’ve ever had. There just doesn’t seem to be any act I can accomplish to make this pain go away, except for talking about it. So many things have fallen apart within the last 24 hours, so many things being changed. There just doesn’t seem to be much to live for right now, since I generally tend to simply live day-to-day.

It’s hard for me to understand what I should be thinking or feeling right now. Everything just seems so numb. I guess things have just come so suddenly, and caught me by surprise.

I’m really at a loss for words.

I believe my grandmother is dying. I don’t have many details, as I haven’t been well informed (though I’m not sure that I want to be). I tried to visit about three months ago, but my work and circumstances prevented me from going. I’m going to Hong Kong this Christmas, which should be amazing, and hopefully I’ll be able to see my grandmother one last time. When I spoke to her on the phone, which is always as awkward as ever, she sounded very light-headed. My mother told me that she sounded more healthy than before.

I once talked to Ms. Patricia ______ (I can’t believe I forget her last name) about my grandparents. I told her that I always felt like I loved my grandparents, and that I was always worried about their well-being, even though I never really had a life with them. They briefly raised me when I was too young to remember much. I have always wondered whether I would cry if they should die. One can always say that one won’t cry, but when the situation arises, things can be quite different.

I also told her that I hoped that they would die at a time that was convenient for me. This worried her. I asked myself, “Is this really what I wish? Will I feel differently when the time comes? Have I truly become so cerebral, so engulfed in a Lermontovian nihilism, that I can say such a thing?”. I’m not even sure if this is something I should be ashamed of. I mean, these are people that I’m not close to. Is it possible to love someone simply by blood? I believe it is; I know people who only know how to love by blood. However, it is not possible for me. In fact, blood has no bearing on what I feel for a person. I wish I could even begin to understand this. I believe that my grandparents love me. I feel it in the way that they look at me, the way they treat me. I always wonder if anyone else has the same confusion. Do I love them as they love me?

I can’t tell.