In the past, I’ve always appreciated any dismal emotions I was experiencing. Even though these melancholy feelings have always been comfortable and even inspiring to me, I’ve usually felt like I’d rather be in a complacent mood.

I realized that sometimes it’s best for emotions to be felt and experienced, no matter how bad they are. Sometimes it’s just better to let feelings run their course, to consume the fuel that makes one feel defeated. Of course, this is only possible when there is no more fuel being generated. When there is stagnancy in the situation and one is aloud to rest in one’s mind, things become much simpler. These morose thoughts and ideas need to be embraced and not forgotten, so that one can understand and learn, grow and be strong.

Eventually, one gets past what has happened, and is a better person for it.

I can feel myself getting hyper again. I’m still trying to figure out why. The last time I felt like this was a little over four years ago, but I was a different person at the time so all emotional influences had a different effect. Every song makes me want to sing aloud, every joke makes me want to die laughing. This is probably just the manifestation of a simple excess of emotions, overflowing in my mind. I doubt it will last long.

The hardest thing in life is not knowing what to think or feel.

I took a bus ride today, not knowing where it went or how it got there. For the first two hours I felt lost, not understanding any of what I was thinking or feeling. In the last hour I almost broke down, a little clearer in my head but not much. All I found out is that I hurt, that I don’t want to get out of bed, that I don’t want to talk to people, that I need help.

I recently renewed my contract with my current host for another year of service. I’m a little surprised that this page hasn’t fallen into desuetude over the last year. I suppose it’s only now, at 22, that I’m able to find meaning in almost all aspects of my life, that I have enough to write about. My previous seven or so pages have been rather empty, although there was more variety in the content. I don’t think I’ve ever had a layout last this long.

It’s usually when I have a negative emotion that I’m able to write, but the last year has been a series of ups and downs, although mostly ups, and considered to be more stable than previous years. Sometimes I can read back on previous entries and re-experience the emotion I was feeling at the time of writing them. I’m surprised that I’m not embarrassed about some entries, how rawly I’d express myself, and what I was thinking at the time. I find that I’m usually embarrassed by how ignorant, stupid, and idiotic a person I used to be. Aaron explains to me, of course, that it’s all just a measure of how far I’ve come, but it’s sometimes it’s difficult to think of what I was like and not feel shame.

I remember the nights I spent, after all classes were finished, coming home, cooking a meal, taking a shower, all I’d have left was to sit in front of my glowing monitor and write. When all I wanted, at the end of the day, was to be able to turn the lights out, write until my eyes felt too tired to focus, and go to sleep satisfied. I’m not sure if I remember those nights fondly or not.

And perhaps there are more to come.