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Undiscovered Fetish

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Lisa’s recent com­ment, where she says that some­one who’s able to teach you a lot sex could make up for unflat­ter­ing char­ac­ter­is­tics like closed-mindedness, got me thinking.

I know what I like, sex­u­ally. As a guy, I’ve prob­a­bly seen it all, espe­cially after being unable to look away at the train wrecks on eFukt, a site with the tagline “Porn you wish you never saw“1. If I had to make a gues­ti­mate, I’d say that my sex­ual deviancy is about aver­age; I’m far from vanilla, but on the other hand, I don’t get aroused at watch­ing Japanese women tak­ing ene­mas of yel­low liq­uid, shit­ting it onto heated pans, and hav­ing a group of peo­ple eat the cooked con­coc­tion2.

At the same time, I’m far from hav­ing explored every­thing in the bed­room, mostly because I’ve never reached the right level of inti­macy. It’s not that I’m embar­rassed; they’re just things I want to share with some­one spe­cial — the way some female porn­stars share anal sex with only their boyfriends, or some women save it for mar­riage — and no one has been that spe­cial yet. That, and the fact my sex life has never become so bor­ing that I felt like I needed to change things up. Besides, secrets aren’t so bad; the fun is gone when when all the secrets are out and there’s no mys­tery left. But even though I haven’t explored these things yet doesn’t mean I don’t know what I like, and I’m pretty sure that’s mostly been deter­mined already.

The last sex­ual thing to blow my mind was when I dated Louise and she intro­duced me to the whole Dominant/submissive sub­cul­ture, of which I had pre­vi­ously been com­pletely unaware. As with a few other car­nal flavours, it’s some­thing I’d like to try with another part­ner in the future, but prob­a­bly only on a con­tract basis because being a per­ma­nent dom3 is too much for me. That was back in 2004, and there hasn’t been any­thing quite as erot­i­cally eye-opening since. Maybe because it was some­thing men­tally sex­ual, not just a phys­i­cal but­ton to be pushed in a dif­fer­ent way.

It feels like there’s lit­tle new to learn about my sex­ual tastes now. It makes me won­der what’s left out there for some­one to teach me (I mean, aside from learn­ing the pref­er­ences of the per­son you’re hav­ing sex with), or for me to dis­cover. Then again, just last week, I read a news arti­cle on a sub­ject of an indi­rectly sex­ual nature, and one part had me think­ing, “Wow, that would be pretty hot”, when it was a very innocu­ous thing that I’m sure most peo­ple wouldn’t even think twice about, so who knows.

  1. I’m not going to put a link from my page, you can just google it. WARNING: VERY, VERY NOT SAFE FOR WORK. And pos­si­bil­ity, san­ity [↑]
  2. I didn’t have the stom­ach to watch the video, but John did, and he gen­er­ously gave me a play-by-play of it as I pre­tended to be involved in his movie col­lec­tion to dis­tract myself from the gross­ness. I remem­ber him say­ing, “Now they’re blow­ing on it because it’s too hot to eat” and real­iz­ing he was actu­ally watch­ing the video and not just mak­ing it up. [↑]
  3. i.e. 100% of the time. I find I’m gen­er­ally dom­i­nant 95% of the time in my rela­tion­ships. [↑]
Date  January 11, 2010
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Categories  Thoughts

Trinary Maturity: The Girlfriend (or The Lifestyle)

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It’s easy for some­one to asso­ciate an expe­ri­ence with the last mem­ory involved. I’m not with­out guilt in this issue myself. I’ll admit that the rough patches near the end of my rela­tion­ship with Loo have come to define the expe­ri­ence a lit­tle unfairly. Sometimes I have to remind myself of how much it’s helped and changed me.

In real­ity, I learned more from my time with Louise than from any pre­vi­ous rela­tion­ship. This was a per­son who inspired (and pushed) me to be bet­ter, but it wasn’t only her, it was the lifestyle as well.

I try not to have too much respon­si­bil­ity at this stage in my life, so when I do have it I take it seri­ously. Being a dom­i­nant means that respon­si­bil­ity is assumed over another per­son, another being, another liv­ing soul. To be given this respon­si­bil­ity, as a bond of supine trust, pro­vided me a sense of con­fi­dence I had never felt before.

And with this trust came a reju­ve­nated zeal for self-improvement. She was strong her­self, so I had to be stronger. If Louise’s con­tri­bu­tion was to push, my con­tri­bu­tion was to grow. It helped me fig­ure out what I want in the next few stages of my life. I stopped slouch­ing. I started speak­ing with more author­ity. I started walk­ing into restau­rants first, some­thing I could never do before, for rea­sons I could never explain. I demanded more out of life.

In the end, it didn’t work out. The dynamic wasn’t right. Unfortunately, I never felt like I was able to com­pletely han­dle every­thing until it was actu­ally over. Funny how life works out like that. What I’ve lost is only rel­e­vant now.

But what I’ve gained is more important.

The Trinary Maturity Series

  1. Introduction
  2. The Job
  3. The Girlfriend
  4. The House
  5. (In)Conclusion
Date  June 26, 2005
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Categories  Thoughts

Cornus Canadensis

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Many things to say, but this is the most rel­e­vant right now. This also hap­pens to touch on almost every aspect of my life, and I find myself con­sid­er­ing things from a gigan­tic range of angles. Unfortunately, I can only briefly touch on each of them, in an effort to stave digression.

The first and most impor­tant goal I’ve ever had was to gain a healthy amount of con­fi­dence by the time I was middle-age. This was so that I could enjoy at least half of my life as a strong indi­vid­ual. I set this goal because I real­ized that I had an unhealthy amount of self-doubt, which con­tributed to a depress­ing life and lifestyle, as well as unre­al­ized potential.

This meant fight­ing off the inse­cu­ri­ties that were bred into me, which amounted to most of my child­hood. It hasn’t been easy in the last cou­ple of years, but it’s worked. Every six months, I’d real­ize how much I grew. This time, I real­ize that I’m there.

I finally feel like I’m in con­trol of my life. I speak to peo­ple dif­fer­ently. I think dif­fer­ently. Instead of avoid­ing con­flict, I can meet it head on. For me, this was prob­a­bly the most dif­fi­cult thing to do ever imag­ine doing. I would plan my life around such an avoid­ance, from my friends to my rela­tion­ships. I had a con­flict pho­bia, an illog­i­cal fear of a spe­cific sit­u­a­tion, but I fought against it and won. In psy­chol­ogy, peo­ple over­come their pho­bias by remain­ing relaxed in the face of their fears (because one can­not men­tally be relaxed and scared at the same time). I had the oppor­tu­nity to do this, by plac­ing myself in uncom­fort­able sit­u­a­tions over the last four months, and approach­ing them cere­brally at the same time.

I also have to say that a major con­tribut­ing fac­tor to the suc­cess has been going through the D/s lifestyle with Loo. Having a sub­mis­sive as expe­ri­enced as she was, plac­ing her trust in me, gave me a sig­nif­i­cant boost in con­fi­dence. She once pointed out to me while watch­ing Secretary, that Edward Grey’s con­fes­sion to Lee Holloway about pre­vi­ously being shy was a very accu­rate detail. In Loo’s expe­ri­ence, many put in a dom­i­nant posi­tion are able to break out of their shells, and I never under­stood or believed her until now.

So now that I’m here, where do I go? I’ve accom­plished the biggest goal in my life, some­thing I’d planned on work­ing on for the next ten years, and it feels like I’ve lost a major part of my rea­son for liv­ing. I feel like an astro­naut who dreamed of land­ing on the moon as a child, only to accom­plish the goal and real­ize that he had never dreamed of any­thing else.

I sup­pose I still have the rest of my life to decide.

Date  May 15, 2005
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Categories  Thoughts
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