I had the pleasure of taking care of Nala while Trolley and Wheaties were home for the long weekend. She greeted me with loud protestations, angry that her caretaker had left her alone in the house for two days so far. Alas, it was only me who had arrived, a stranger she hadn’t gotten comfortable with yet. She followed me around at first, and watched as I filled up her food and water dishes. After a while she realized that I was the only one coming. “Where is my slave?”, she demanded, and ran off to sleep under the kitchen table.

I tried to talk to her, to let her know that her company would be back in two more days. I asked if she was alright, if she was bored or sleepy or energetic.

It felt…a little odd…to be so verbose with a cat. I consider myself to be a sane person. At the same time, I realize that cats cannot answer back. A strange little paradox.

I find myself in the same situation around children. When a kid asks me a question to which the answer is beyond his comprehension, I don’t know what to say. I become rather embarrassed that I’ve been placed in such a situation. Do I tell this child the truth, or do I give a saccharine answer? Do I attempt to shed some consciousness on a child’s life, or do I let him/her remain in a blissful childhood ignorance?

Any decision can be thought of in a bad way. I never know what to say, so I generally don’t answer back.

I still talk to Dolores though.

For there can be no judgement there.

I wasn’t going to write today, but the gentle light from the setting sun, along with the mild, windless chill, has affected me in such a manner that I wish only to speak of the boundless beauty that the weather can provide. I’m reminded of the spring walks home from Ashley’s house, feeling the cool air through my hair with the pale orange sky above my head. Pure contentment.

Progress on my essays has not been going well. I have spent the last half week on geology, and still have less than two pages done. I wish the terminology wasn’t so market based. Fuck.

I was able to go rock climbing for a second time with Trolley, Cristina, Aaron, Wheaties, Nick, Greg, Amanda, and Simon. It was great to have so many people go at once, so that we could just wonder around and see how other people were doing. I was able to scale three more walls that I wasn’t able to last time, which were all 5.6’s. The tips of my fingers were raw at the end from belaying so much. My forearm strength is currently the first thing to give, so I wasn’t very sore the next day. We headed out to Perkins after and pigged out on good food. What a great fucking time.

I was able to ask Simon about his tongue stud, and he told me that out of all the piercings he’s had (ears and eyebrow), the tongue was the least painful by far, due to the fact that the nerve endings are all on the surface of the tongue. Once the spike goes through the tongue, nothing is felt afterwards. New information that I’ll have to consider.

Tuesday. Brideshead Revisited. Jeremy Irons is one sexy, sexy man.

Dolores has been extra cuddly these last few days, and I’ve been woken up by her turning a few times, before nestling on my legs or stomach. I feel bad that I feel so constricted every time she settles down, causing me to toss and turn. It’s as if itches only come once a cat has found a pillow in your lap.

I woke up at 3:33 ante meridian and, unable to sleep, decided to write.

I’ve been busy. I spent the last three days at Trolley’s, sleeping on his couch, and generally staying up late playing Wind Waker. It’s been an amazing game so far, and even though it seems to be too short, it’s been an unparalleled experience. I met Adam and Matt on Friday, so we went out to Minglewoods and sat out on the patio, even though it wasn’t quite patio weather yet.

Dolly and Nala didn’t get along together well. When they saw each other, they tried to stare each other down. Nala’s tail doubled in size as she made a low growl. Dolly just hissed back. Apparently, cats introduced to the same living environment are supposed to spend around the first two weeks without face-to-face contact. Dolly stayed for a few hours at Trolley’s anyway.

My trip to Hong Kong has been canceled, due to the lung virus that’s been going around. Yet another time that my trip has been canceled. Visiting Hong Kong at least once more has become one of my goals in life now, something I feel the need to do before I die.

I am now official in one of my typical “Jeff” phases, where I start to freak out near the end of the term. Progress on my final project has been difficult, not something which is not completely (or at all) my fault. I found out that I was too late in requesting a marks shift in my graphics course, so my 35% midterm now counts. This means that I will need roughly an 80% to pass the course. Since this is my final term, I may not be graduating until I can make up the three credits. I believe I have a back-up plan, which involves taking a softwarre engineering course during the summer that I can use towards my total credits. I think that means that I won’t be attending the graduation in July. Things seem very fucked up for me academically right now, and I’m worried, one of the many reasons I can’t sleep.

I tried rock climbing on Tuesday, and even though my left forearm was dead from hitting the L trigger too much, I was still able to scale a few walls. It was a great time, something that I could definitely see myself getting into. Even the act of belaying is fun, in the sense of a trust exercise. It’s just not something that I can get into right now without a job, or any convenient way of getting to the rock climbing studio.

I came home yesterday with a note on my desk, and it said that Dolly was being taken for a walk.

My first reaction was disbelief. I couldn’t understand how someone could just take my cat for a walk. I was beside myself with shock. I felt violated. I felt insulted. I felt terrible.

I hadn’t walked Dolly yet, for several reasons. First of all, I didn’t have her microchipped, so any chance that she gets away would be devastating. Secondly, I hadn’t decided whether I should take her out yet, since she might miss being outside too much after her first time. That was a big decision for me, one that I hadn’t made yet, but one which was made for me.

The most important point is that Dolly had her first walk without me. I wasn’t there to see how she reacts with the world, I wasn’t able to be the first person to let her outside.

I stood in my room for ten minutes in disbelief. I couldn’t even wrap my head around how someone could do such a thing, to walk into my home and violate my feelings in such a way. I put on my headphones, put on my fuck off playlist, and sat under my desk, shaking my head. This was the most offensive thing anyone has ever done to me in my life.

When the realization that there was no other first walk sunk in, I started to sob. The shock segued into depression, and I slumped onto the ground, pulling my hair, still in disbelief. I cried for a good while, something I haven’t done for eight or nine years. I cried so hard that my tear ducts felt like they were being sucked of their fluids and the walls were starting to touch each other. By the end of it, my eyes had the old familiar swollen feeling, and I was exhausted. I showered and tried to wash the mucus from my hair.

The whole situation has made me more fully understand how much I care about Dolly. I already knew how much I cared about her, and I appreciated her before, but I never realized the extent of it until now. I don’t see her as a pet. I see her as a child.

It’s also made me think about the nature of good and bad, and how much of a balance there is. I never really believed that either existed, since one bad thing generally spawns a good thing, such as murder helping to control overpopulation, or genocide leading to beautiful art/culture. Of course, I’ve never been through either, so my thoughts are quite limited.

I just can’t see the good in this situation. I can’t see how this can be anything but bad. I haven’t learned anything from this, one of the only possible justifications for it happening, and I have lost even more faith in humanity.

Seeing the good in this would be healthy for me.

I have quite a few errands to run. I need to get my cell phone fixed, return my plane tickets by registered mail, and refund my train tickets. I also have to get working on a bunch of my projects, which are due within the next two months and haven’t been started yet. I need some order.

Wheaties has invited me to go camping during the May 2-4 weekend. I am definitely going to try to be there, but I might actually be in Hong Kong at the time.

Dolly has been jumping up on her scratching post a lot lately. I had it in my room before, next to my desk so that she could mark her scent in a spot that I’m usually at, but I moved it out because it looked very awkward. I moved the post back into my room near my door, and whenever I walk by, she’ll jump on the post as if she has something to whisper in my ear. I’m tempted to buy her a huge scratching post, but I don’t think that I should be spending $450 on a cat toy until I get a permanent job. I did buy a rolling ball with stuffed weasel attached for her to play with today, but I think the ball is too big for her. She doesn’t seem to like to chase the weasel around, just sit and watch it go. I figured for $10, I couldn’t go wrong.

The scene in Being John Malkovich, where Craig Schwartz kisses Elijah on the head, spoke to me the other day. I wish it didn’t.

I’ll be hanging out with Aaron, Wheaties, and Trolley tomorrow, before we go out for Mel’s birthday party. We might do a bit of pre-drinking, but we’re not sure how much yet, since Wheaties is driving. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to show them a few Sealab episodes, which I’m pretty sure they’ll enjoy.