I’m very tired. For some reason, I’ve been sleeping pretty well though. I guess long days just tire me out. I think I’ll turn in early tonight, and work on my assignments tomorrow.

She loves to watch me play Starcraft, or play hide-and-seek under the bed. She loves to clean herself on my lap, then nap there. She loves her tuna flavoured cat food, and her two mousies (I think I’ll name them Mutius and Quintus, after Titus’ two sons, whom Titus believes were pray to Rome).

I felt troubled this week-end, something that I’m not prone to feeling. I usually feel love or hate, with not much in between. And being one who can expect anything, like two sons killing their father, being troubled troubles me.

Four and a half hours of class, with six hours of work. I’m writing this at work right now actually, because no one is really here, and I can never seem to find time at home to do anything productive anymore.

I fed my cat canned food yesterday and she loved it. I think I’ve settled with the name Dolores. I keep having to buy her new mousies cause she keeps wearing them out with so much play.

I bought Yoshi’s Island for my GBA yesterday, and it’s pretty damn good. I miss having a nice 2D platformer to play around in, and to collect the coins in. I realize that I should probably have saved myself the money and downloaded the ROM and uploaded it to my flash card, but it’s much more convenient this way, and I have the luxury of being able to play whenever I want, without interferring with other ROMs on the card.

I think I’ve decided not to go home during Thanksgiving. John’s going to be busy with his work (on a long week-end), and I’ll probably be busy with mid-terms and projects through the end of October. Unless I hook up with Darren over the week-end, there’s not much else to do down there. This way I’ll be able to take care of Dolores without having to get somebody else to feed her and clean up after her.

I’m still extremely tired. Trying to keep my kitten fit and disciplined is quite a process. She’s a great pet though. She was stood in front of my monitor, watching me play Starcraft yesterday. When she got bored, she fell asleep in front of me on my table. She’ll come into my bed when I’m sleeping and curl up next to me, hoping to catch some warmth. I’m pleased.

I’ve been skipping most of my classes, since I’m so damn tired all the time, and I feel pretty guilty about it. I suppose that I won’t feel guilty as long as I remember to keep everything in perspective.

Someone asked me if I thought that I was a smart person. I told her, “I am neither”, and I thought that it was a perfect self-contradictory statement of fallacy, and equivocality.

My current situation has been resolved, not that there was really anything that needed to be resolved about it. Things came up that needed resolution, and by a stroke of luck, everything worked out the way I wanted them to. I feel devious, inspired by John’s ability to walk out of any situation unscathed. I surprised myself actually. My calm, my control; things that I was never really able to control before. But I played the situation beautifully, devilishly, and got away with it.

As beautiful as Mandelbrots’ Set.

This kitten is so important to me right now. I think that this will be the closest thing to having kids for me. But as a human infant is dynamic and ever changing, creating a volatile environment of order, a cat is more static, leaving the possibility of boredom. This would be my worst nightmare. I hope I never grow tired of her. I hope “the novelty” never wears off. This life is my responsibility, and it will be the greatest test of my tolerance yet. Of course, there may be nothing in it; she may simply be a wonderful pet, which she is so far, creating a mutualistic symbiosis which I would gladly be a part of.

And, as one can tell, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m seeing somethings a little too far into the future, while I look at other things too unfocused to be viewed properly. If the jaguar is truly my totem, then I should be able to find patterns within this chaos, find some meaning in my present situation.

“a solid in the rippling water”