I need to stop writing for an audience. It feels like I’m not being true to myself, that I can’t say what I want to say. Yet I do, somehow, in some equivocal manner.

The winter is so beautiful. Usually I study better at night, but when it’s winter time, and everything is white, I feel much more motivated during the day. It’s as if God finally realizes that the entire world is shit and covers it with a huge bleached tarp.

I bought Dolly a new toy on the week-end, and she loves it. It’s got a soft ball covered in fur on the end of an elastic string. She’ll try to take the ball where she wants by grabbing it in her jaws, but when the elastic stretches past its limit, the ball will rip out of her mouth and make her go even crazier. She plays with it until she’s tired, then she’ll lay down on the ground below where the ball lies, and just try to bat it with her paws.

I’ve been working on the new layout, and I completely scrapped the metallic idea. Pictures just didn’t seem to fit well in it. I actually have the final design done and created in html format. It allows for a better formatting of content, though it will take me more work. I’m not completely sure if I’m satisfied with it, but it will probably have to do since I generally have little content to work with.

Sometimes I start thinking, and then I realize what a fucking idiot I am, and that thought just sticks in my head. That happened for most of today.

I have to set up two laptops for these high up execs at work. One of them actually made a complaint about me and Aaron to my boss before. It’s hard to work for someone with this kind of history, but somehow I can just grin and bear it. I think that being stoic is something that I’ve learned very well from my childhood. An alarm went off in the building too, and we had to evacuate. My boss asked me if I wanted to get some beer and pizza, but I told him that I had too much work to do. The temptation was almost too great.

I’ve generally been neglecting my eating habits and my sleeping habits, and my schoolwork, even though I half-resolved not to. It’s good to know that no one cares. At least it’s honest. I know that I need much more balance in my life, and I think that it’s something I can achieve. It’s just been so hard with everything going on. Pat thinks that I should take a week off work. After all, it’s the reason why he quit the job in the first place. But he had a high maintenance girlfriend, and I had a negative maintenance one at the time.

There just seems to be so much reason for me to stay awake late at night.

I feel exhausted even though I got about five hours of sleep. I stayed up playing Warcraft 3 last night, and ended on a great note, cause Darren and I were able to defeat two members of clan n1, of which both members have win-loss ratios of about 90%. It ended their 26 game winning streak.

I saw something two days ago that made me wish I carried a camera on me all the time. I was taking the bus east towards home, when I saw outside, right next to a bus stop sans the shelter, two adorable blond girls who seemed to have settled down on a cement curb. They both seemed quite content there, clinging to their thin jackets against the cool six degree wind. I guessed that they were about 12 or thirteen years of age, though I wasn’t sure if they were homeless, as they were dressed in a very neutral manner. The thing that made the situation seem oddly poignant was the fact that one was holding a Chinese rice box open in one hand, with a pair of chopsticks in the other hand, while the other would point to morsels of food, and would consequently be fed by the steady hand holding the chopsticks. For some reason, it really struck a chord with me, and I wish that I had the ability to capture such a delicate moment. I could see it in black and white, not in sepia.

I’m going to watch Safe tonight, with the beautiful Julianne Moore, and her irresistable titian hair.

Dolly is becoming more comfortable with me, as she’ll sometimes crawl under my covers and nestle between my ankles. She’s even slept on me a few times. One time I woke up and found her hugging my arm. She purrs all the time; when she’s on my lap, when I’m feeding her yummy food, or even when I’m playing with her. Glad, I am, to have found such a comfortable kitty.

I was able to accomplish nothing school related today. I’m just too damn tired. Eight and a half hours of work, followed by three hours of class. I did get a free pizza out of it though…the informatics department was celebrating a database transfer, and ordered too much pizza, so they considered that I was a student and gave me one. Not too shabby.

I found out that redheads need 20% more anesthetic than most people, because they are more sensitive to pain, or less susceptible to the anesthetic.

I got home and Dolly was just crazy with energy. The poor kitty had no one to play with her all day, and she lost her toys — again — so she probably slept most of the day. I found one in the coat closet, so I played with her as much as I could before I got tired and hungry.

I stumbled across Jenny the Lam’s page today, and was pleasantly surprised. It’s refreshing to have entries that aren’t just rants (ha! I’m such a hypocrite), but with some thought behind them as well. I’ve always enjoyed the naked way she seems to express herself, but she seems to have gained some more depth to her writings. It’s given me much to think about, which is an extremely good thing.

I’m very tired. For some reason, I’ve been sleeping pretty well though. I guess long days just tire me out. I think I’ll turn in early tonight, and work on my assignments tomorrow.

She loves to watch me play Starcraft, or play hide-and-seek under the bed. She loves to clean herself on my lap, then nap there. She loves her tuna flavoured cat food, and her two mousies (I think I’ll name them Mutius and Quintus, after Titus’ two sons, whom Titus believes were pray to Rome).

I felt troubled this week-end, something that I’m not prone to feeling. I usually feel love or hate, with not much in between. And being one who can expect anything, like two sons killing their father, being troubled troubles me.

Four and a half hours of class, with six hours of work. I’m writing this at work right now actually, because no one is really here, and I can never seem to find time at home to do anything productive anymore.

I fed my cat canned food yesterday and she loved it. I think I’ve settled with the name Dolores. I keep having to buy her new mousies cause she keeps wearing them out with so much play.

I bought Yoshi’s Island for my GBA yesterday, and it’s pretty damn good. I miss having a nice 2D platformer to play around in, and to collect the coins in. I realize that I should probably have saved myself the money and downloaded the ROM and uploaded it to my flash card, but it’s much more convenient this way, and I have the luxury of being able to play whenever I want, without interferring with other ROMs on the card.

I think I’ve decided not to go home during Thanksgiving. John’s going to be busy with his work (on a long week-end), and I’ll probably be busy with mid-terms and projects through the end of October. Unless I hook up with Darren over the week-end, there’s not much else to do down there. This way I’ll be able to take care of Dolores without having to get somebody else to feed her and clean up after her.