Another exhausting day. It feels good to be tired again, to feel like my eyes are made of lead when I lie down. Most of the summer was staying at home, barely moving, feeling restless.

Aaron and I went to the Unicentre to do some table tennis, and some cocky prick was mouthing off (rather loudly) to his friends about how he so easily beat them all twice. When Aaron heard enough he suggested a partner swap, just so I’d shut him up. I managed to beat the guy 21–3 (pre-2001 ITTF rules) and he promptly had to go.

I cracked and bought F-Zero GX and seasons one and two of Mr. Show on DVD. I must be crazy depressed.

A Halloween party is looming on the horizon, and Aaron and I are looking for costume ideas. If we can find enough good uniforms, we’ll be going as Super Troopers, hopefully with the both of us along with Trolley, Wheaties, and Nick. Other ideas were going as Bob and David, or as a white guy and a Chinese guy.

Speaking of Super Troopers, while Nick was swapping his burner at Future Shop with Stacey, Aaron and I went around the store pulling off the repeater, seeing how long we could go before the salesmen figured it out or got pissed off. We ended up being the ones pissed off though, astounded by how ignorant the salesmen were and eventually we’d both ditch the same salesman with looks of disbelief on our faces, one after the other.

I took a bus ride today, not knowing where it went or how it got there. For the first two hours I felt lost, not understanding any of what I was thinking or feeling. In the last hour I almost broke down, a little clearer in my head but not much. All I found out is that I hurt, that I don’t want to get out of bed, that I don’t want to talk to people, that I need help.

I feel worthless.

She hugged him tight round the neck, her arms trembling, as though she was trying to pass her soul to him with that kiss. No, it was right and proper she should die!

I find that I’m beginning to compare myself with others, in order that I feel better about myself. I keep telling myself that I have no debt, no ailments, and barely any responsibilities. I’m a university graduate, I live in a great city in a comfortable apartment, I’ve finally fallen into a great bunch of stand-up friends. Why does it feel as though I have nothing, that I’ve accomplished nothing, that my life is nothing? That in my nearly 23 years of life, I have nothing to show for it but a few frissons and a life or two affected.

If only I was being too hard on myself.

I’m not really sure what to say. I mean, I’m not completely sure what I’m feeling right now. Maybe a hint of jealously, a touch of dysthymia, and a sense of hopelessness. Everything is so light that I can’t tell what I’m feeling.

What should I be feeling? What can I feel? I feel so pathetic, yet complacent. Maybe writing has made things worse. Usually, I feel better, because there’s always something that I need to get off my chest. But lately, it just seems to be making me realize what my actual situation is. Well, I already know what my situation is, it has just given me a negative spin on it.

I wish I was very depressed. Being depressed is such a comfortable, and familiar feeling, that I would feel right at home. Yet I’m not, because of my complacency.

Have I been able to accept everything? I’m not quite sure yet. I compare myself to others, and nothing seems right. For me or for them. Everything just seems so fucked up, and it surprises me.

I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others. It’s not a healthy thing. After all, I’m very different from many people I know. Even the ones that I believe are comparable to me are very different, and lead very different lives.

God, it just makes me sad. I can’t seem to figure things out. Many things surprise me. And this just keeps happening again and again.

And I wonder, why not me?