So much for server uptime. Breaking a dry spell is like rebooting after a Windows update; it’s not completely necessary, but sometimes it’s better to do it sooner than when it’s too late and one ends up with a dead hooker in the apartment.

I think I’m coming up to my one-year dry spell mark, but to be honest, I’m not sure. I used to tease Trolley about his dry spells, but now, well, yeah…heh.

I’m aiming for four. We were watching a dating show on the Life Network once, and they were trying to set up this guy who had a full out four-year dry spell. On his actual date, he couldn’t stop talking about how his family had an intervention concerning the amount of time he spent on the internet. He kept going on and on about how his parents wanted less than two hours a day but he was adamant on keeping at least four. My theory is that anything past three years does damage to the brain. I want to be able to document every disintegrating part of my intellect Charlie Gordon style. I’m dying to find out if it’ll be a gradual process, or I’ll just suddenly wake up one day without my sanity.

I got the idea from Dave, a guy on the floor in res in first year. He was in the reserves, so he always told us these crazy stories about when he was serving. One time he had to stay awake for three days, doing nothing but eating and defending/digging a trench. After the 30th hour he started started hallucinating. After that, Pita and I made a pact to pull a simultaneous three-nighter, just to see if we’d start to go insane, but I keeled over in my room at about the 23rd hour. I had never pulled an all-nighter before then.

This time though, I’ve had a bit of practice. Not three years practice, but practice. I want to go for as long as possible, sort of like server uptime.

I’ve been brave enough to listen to The Postal Service lately, although my enjoyment is restricted to headphones on the bus. It’s still something that’s a little too personal to be listening through speakers, and for some reason, I’m not comfortable with others hearing the same songs that I do. It’s as if being able to hear the same trippy beats and soft voices gives other people the ability to experience the memories that the music brings to my mind; curves in a gentle face, car rides through the thick summer air, nervous fumblings on the couch, the scent of unfamiliar sheets.

They’re all good memories, nothing painful anymore, but it’s all something I’d like to keep to myself for just a little longer.

A subject I find difficult to express myself about is that of freedom.

Freedom is a difficult thing to understand. In a relationship, freedom is always bounded by some constraint imposed when the relationship is first made. Yet freedom is a very general statement, even if narrowed down to the situation within a relationship.

The freedom I wish to speak about is that of dependence within a relationship. Freedom in this case is related to a sense of responsibility.

As a person, I find responsibilities to be detestable. I have always tried to avoid responsibilities in my life, and I do it well. The only thing that I am responsible for is myself, a fact that I’ve very willingly accepted, unlike others that I know.

However, in a relationship, I’ve always felt that one should be responsible for his or her better half. I’ve always believed that it should be a commitment when entering such a bond. Yet there is always the separation between being responsible for someone, and being forced to be with someone to serve their whim.

As a responsible person, it is one’s job to make sure that one is there if the other needs it. However, this other person must understand that whenever he or she feels this “need”, he or she should not interfere with the freedom allowed within the boundaries of the relationship.

A generic example may make things clearer. If a boyfriend wanted to spend some time at home on the weekend with his girlfriend, but his girlfriend wanted to go skiing for the weekend with her friends, then the male should not hinder the activities of the female, unless he was in distress, or in great need of company. If his demand for her time is too great and constantly smothering other activities she wishes to do, then he is not being a responsible person and respecting his partners’ wishes.

It has always seemed like such a selfish thing to me, to be inordinately demanding, or unsatisfiably clingy. It begins as a form of flattery, to be sure, but excessive constraints become a burden or strain on the relationship. One finds oneself constantly trying to please the other, without prevail.

I believe that such greediness stems from insecurity. When someone is insecure, he or she is scared that his or her partner is having too good a time, and will hence forget about the relationship. Perhaps jealously plays a part in such a vague subject, and serves as a more conscious manifestation of a subconscious feeling.

Of course, I am guilty of such selfishness myself at times, though I wish I wasn’t. I feel that I’ve improved, that I can respect the desires of other people, so that they may be free to do what they wish. Perhaps this is a sign of increased confidence in my relationships, that all I wish is for others to be happy.

A Nash equilibrium is a terrible thing.

Aaron told me that he didn’t think I was spoiled today. I was a bit surprised, since even I think I’m spoiled to an extent. I realize that I take many of the privileges I have for granted, but I’m always thankful of the financial freedom that I’ve been given. We seem to be able to talk for hours on end, and it’s worth getting in trouble at work for it.

One thing that we discussed was the rules about acceptable dating habits. The rules that he follows are difficult for me to understand. One seemingly universal rule is that you can never date a friend’s sister. It’s hard for me to understand something like this, because I’ve never had siblings of any kind. I think that the problem would lie in whether a break-up would happen; where would one’s loyalty lie, since you’re so close to both people? I believe that if both parties are mature enough, they will be able to remain friends after something like that should happen. I realize that it may not always work out that way, but I believe that the decision of the risk would be up to the friend and the sister.

He also told me that he would never date any of his friends’ ex-girlfriends, and that it was an unspoken rule among his friends as well. I guess the rule seems very rigid to me, as I’m sure there should be exceptions, such as who was at fault, and why they broke up.

There just seem to be so many rules that people follow, good or bad. I know some girls who won’t date guys shorter than them. I can’t even begin to comprehend this; it just seems so amazingly shallow, or perhaps I’m just oversensitive about my lack of height. I also know Chinese girls who won’t date Chinese guys. The only explanation I can find for this is that a girl may not like the Chinese culture, so they associate Chinese guys with this. Yet how can every Chinese guy be completely set in the Chinese culture? The explanation just doesn’t seem to work.

One of my Caucasian ex’s said that she would never date a white guy, because they always seem so shallow. I was offended because I wouldn’t be dating her, had I simply inhabited pale skin. She realized that she was wrong to simply associate white guys with being shallow, based on her past experiences.

An interesting point that I once discussed with Aaron was whether Caucasian girls found Asian guys attractive the way Caucasian guys find Asian girls attractive. We came to the conclusion that, no, they do not. It lies in the fact that the mongoloid race has a generally slimmer build, something which guys find attractive in girls, but something which girls sure as hell don’t find attractive in guys.

It’s a good thing that I’ve given up for now.