- John: You’ll never guess what I’m doing.
- Me: What?
- John: I’m cooking. I went down to the market and bought two salmon fillets. And now I’m cooking them in the oven with olive oil and salt.
- Me: Oooh, what are your sides?
- John: Sides?
- Me: Side dishes. What are you eating with it?
- John: Popcorn.
On first steps out of bachelorhood
3
On adopting a second cat
- Me: I’ll probably get another cat when I get back. Not before January though.
- John: NOO.
- Me: Why not?
- John: Cause then you’ll be a crazy cat person.
- Me: Three would be borderline for a single person, four would be definite. But I’ll only have two anyway.
- John: Why do you want another?
- Me: It’s not like I have anyone in my life right now. Cats fill that void. They make good company.
- Me: Okay, maybe I’m already a crazy cat person.
- John: I’m glad you’ve started listening to yourself when you talk.
On being single for four years (or two days)
- John: What are you up to tonight?
- Me: Some masturbating, some crying, maybe both at the same time.
- John: That’s a page out of last night’s playbook for me.
On Touch-Typing vs. Second Base
- Me, hearing John typing over the phone: You’re quite the touch-typist now. I remember when you were a two-finger typist.
- John: I still am. And I have to look at the keyboard. I guess I could type without looking but I never try.
- Me: Think of it as a vagina. Do you have to look at a vagina when you’re fingering it?
- John: The vagina only has one button.
On Being Tested For Syphilis
- Doctor, with swab in hand: If you’re going to faint, faint backwards, not on me. I had a 250 pound football player almost kill me once.
- Me, holding down my pants: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
On Trying Earwax-Flavoured Jelly Belly Jelly Beans
- Amy: Gross! How would you even know what earwax tastes like?
- Me: Haven’t you ever French kissed someone’s ear?
- Amy, with a look of disgust on her face: No.
- Brain: Hmmmmmmmm. Uh oh?
It's shameless, the way we flirt
Bronwen finally getting a cell phone (with an unlimited text messaging plan) has been the source of much amusement.
- Bronwen: Aww, I think I’ve been really depressed lately, I’ve been finding it hard to find a reason to get up lately, trying to pull myseld out of it
- Me: Awww. Too bad you’re ditching me this weekend or we could hang out.
- Bronwen: Oh please, my mom, dad and grandma (possibly aunt) would be very annoyed with me if I had ditched all of them, I had plans to go home first!!!
- Me: It was a joke you bitch
- Bronwen: Jeeeeeze, not a morning person…mine was a joke as well crazy
- Me: You’re not a person person.
- Me: You will turn into a crazy cat lady who tries to trap me into having a baby so I’ll have to send you alimony cheques.
- Me: I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU. YOU’RE NOT GETTING MY SPERM.
- Me: Are you crying in the middle of class now?