I’ve lately been getting into discussions where I generally show a strong sense of confidence in my convictions. The role of distance in a relationship related to the level of commitment, as a subject perhaps, or instructions in becoming a more sociable person, as another. I’ve been answering questions of life, love, and happiness almost as if I know the answers. Yet I can’t figure out where these opinions are coming from, or even where I’m getting the strength of my beliefs.

Have I gained so much strength so as to affect my thinking? Have I become blinded by overconfidence? Or do I consider my experiences to be sufficient enough to give advice when people ask me? This may possibly be the case even though I generally don’t like to give advice, since I only speak when I feel that I have a sufficient understanding of the subject.

The truth is that I don’t know where my assuredness is coming from. In the last few weeks I’ve felt an odd sense of wisdom, and my certitude seems to be coming from this feeling. Perhaps an overflow of emotions has caused me to feel this way, and everything I’m feeling now is temporary. The most important thing I try to keep in mind is the fact that I may be wrong in almost anything I believe. I need to keep an open mind. Yet lately I feel as if I do know much more about the way things work, the way life goes, the way the world turns.

I think of what I do know now, and try to remind myself that there is still a great deal I don’t know. I simply have a strong trust in my judgements, decisions, and convictions made with the limited amount of information one always has in foresight. I’ve lately become more certain about my life, and the direction I want it want to take. I certainly know what I want, but I try to remain flexible.

In the last two months I’ve learned more than I have in year before that, and the sudden surge of confidence I’ve gained in my opinions seems to be related to this. I realize that I’ve learned a great deal through the course of my life.

But I have much more to learn as well.

Sometimes I see the same movie twice with a large gap of time between viewings, and I understand the characters, thoughts, emotions, and actions very differently each time.

A few days ago, I came to the realization that I’ve been a different person in every relationship through my eight year dating period. Not all of me has changed, but there are a few aspects which I believe would be important in such a bond.

I’ve gained more maturity and more confidence. I’ve gained a fair amount of intelligence (though I still feel like I have infinitely more to learn). I’ve changed career goals, relationship goals, and happiness goals. I’m more outgoing, more tolerant, more secure, less pretentious (I hope), less arrogant, and less ignorant. I’ve changed my opinions on children, abortion, and religion. I’ve even changed my actions based on these shifting beliefs.

Although I view most of these changes as being good things, they may put strain on a relationship nonetheless. After all, change is change, and unless a relationship is strong and flexible enough, it cannot endure such stress. It’s a little scary to think that I may be bringing extra strain into a relationship, simply by being myself.

At one point in my inexperienced youth, after having changed a fair deal already, I believed that I wouldn’t change any more. Now I realize how stupidly oblivious a comment that was, and am of the belief that I’ll never stop changing.

The most important thing to keep in mind through all of this is whether the change is for the better, and as Tom has helped me realize, relationships (friendships or otherwise) should form around this idea.

Whether or not a relationship will work out in the end is not based on one person, but the foundation and dynamic of two people.

In the last month I have felt the best and worst about myself in my life.

I had an intense interview with my Big Brother caseworker, Stephanie, today. It lasted for three hours, and the questions ranged from whether I had firearms in my apartment, to what my relationship with my parents is like, to what I dislike about people. It’s quite a long process, and candidates are very stringently chosen. I first had to fill out an application form, fill out a police report form, and give them three references. They then send my references a questionnaire each, then interview me. They also need to interview Pita, to make sure that my apartment is a suitable environment for a little brother to spend time in. Stephanie told me that they have to reject quite a few candidates, based on the grounds of immaturity, improper lifestyle, or even health issues, for example. After all, both the organization and the big brother are responsible for the safety of the child.

It’s odd that this will be such a test of my responsibility. I always believed that I would be the one to dictate what I was ready for. After all, after months of consideration, I did decided to adopt a cat, even when I held back while people were encouraging me to. I don’t believe that there would be any other reason for being declined as a candidate. My suitability as a big brother will be determined by a board of people, and it will be the greatest test of my maturity to date. It will be quite objective, of course, since I have no part in the decision making.

So why am I not nervous? Could it be that I am finally gaining some confidence? I did ad-lib the interview, and I feel that I answered the questions very well. Perhaps I simply realize that I answered everything to the best of my ability, and that I can’t change the outcome when it arrives. Or simply that, although this would be a great experience for me, it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t work out.

I think I can opt for all three.

God, I love praise. I think it’s something that I feed on. It boosts my confidence ever so slightly (and temporarily).

It creeps me out when people touch my chain. Only three people have ever touched it (including an ex), and it really doesn’t make me comfortable. I guess I see it as a childish fascination when people feel the need to play with it.