A reader sent me this letter (posted with her permission, of course):

Almost a year after I had managed to leave the island behind, the room, the floor, the sheets, the rape - I accidently ended up on your blog entry called “The beginning to the end” and it changed my world. It awoke feelings inside of me that I had for a years time tried to suppress and scare off so that I never again would open up to anyone, never trust anyone and therefor never end up in the same situation again. At that time, all men were a potential threath to me.

Reading and watching that very blogentry have had such a great impact on my life and will to become ‘myself’ again, to reclaim my body and to dare to move towards feeling and being ‘beautiful’ again. Your video granted me the sensation of how sincere, pure and giving love and affection truly are when it’s shared and not forced. It made me remember blocked out feelings and situations and it made me start to long for something that I had completely shut out for over a year.

I have been wanting to write you this email for quite some time, but I havent been sure of myself or if the “new” me (which is the old in fact) would survive and I didnt want to make this into a sunshine story if it really wasnt - but after many downhills, trials and tribulations, theraphy and social interaction, I am there, I am back and I am standing strong again. Nothing will ever be the same, but at least I made the right choice, for me. I have always been lifeloving in overload and even if I am only halfway there yet, it is still enough to keep me going.

I still watch that video every now and then, to remind myself that anything is possible and that you can recieve “help” from the most unexpected sources. It used to make me cry, now it makes me smile instead, isnt that beautiful? I know perfectly well that you never meant to post that entry for me, but it helped me in one of the most difficult times in my life and for that I will be forever grateful. Thank you.

Yours sincerly,
Emma

I’m at a loss for words.

Someone made me feel terrible the other day. She ignorantly belittled almost everything that I’ve worked for in my life. To have this person so insouciantly give me advice on something that I’m still trying to accomplish was completely insulting. Yet I can’t blame this person, because the comments made were in ignorance of how hard I’ve tried, how much I’ve worked, how difficult it’s been to make myself a better person.

With most other people, I couldn’t care less about their opinions. But I respected this person. I held her in the high esteem. This person was already most of what I wanted to become. And, naturally, this made her opinion important to me.

I don’t know what her background is, or how she’s come to develop as the person that I know, but I do know that mine has made things difficult on a mental level.

It takes me longer than others to get over things. I only trust half a handful of people. I’m still emotionally weak in some respects.

I’ve come a long way, and even though I still have much further to go, that doesn’t diminish the fact that I’ve succeeded thus far. Or the fact that it’s been a fucking struggle. Or the fact that I’m fucking proud of who I am now, and what I’ve already accomplished.

So what can I say, really, about these things said in passing? Nothing. All I have to keep in mind is that what I’m working towards is much easier to some than to others. That it’s me who’s in control of my amour propre.

And that, in the end, all that truly matters is self-satisfaction.

Sometimes it feels as if I’ve changed in an infinite number of directions. Every change comes as a result of some unsatisfactory characteristic of my former self. The result, hopefully a series of what I consider improvements, becomes the opposite of traits I once possessed.

Confidence is an example. It’s only now, after more than eight years of conscious work, that I’ve gained some form of confidence, of self-respect. And I appreciate it now, not only in myself but in other people as well. It was my own diffidence that drove me to become an assertive person. This isn’t to say that it’s something I’ve stopped working on. I’m not quite satisfied yet, because I’m still learning to prevent overconfidence, but other than that I think I’ve come quite far.

The same goes for quite a few other things. Having no friends has made me a better one. Being alone has made me a patient lover. Being shy has made me more outgoing. Having gone through emotional ups and downs has made me more stable.

Being weak has made me stronger.

I’ve lately been getting into discussions where I generally show a strong sense of confidence in my convictions. The role of distance in a relationship related to the level of commitment, as a subject perhaps, or instructions in becoming a more sociable person, as another. I’ve been answering questions of life, love, and happiness almost as if I know the answers. Yet I can’t figure out where these opinions are coming from, or even where I’m getting the strength of my beliefs.

Have I gained so much strength so as to affect my thinking? Have I become blinded by overconfidence? Or do I consider my experiences to be sufficient enough to give advice when people ask me? This may possibly be the case even though I generally don’t like to give advice, since I only speak when I feel that I have a sufficient understanding of the subject.

The truth is that I don’t know where my assuredness is coming from. In the last few weeks I’ve felt an odd sense of wisdom, and my certitude seems to be coming from this feeling. Perhaps an overflow of emotions has caused me to feel this way, and everything I’m feeling now is temporary. The most important thing I try to keep in mind is the fact that I may be wrong in almost anything I believe. I need to keep an open mind. Yet lately I feel as if I do know much more about the way things work, the way life goes, the way the world turns.

I think of what I do know now, and try to remind myself that there is still a great deal I don’t know. I simply have a strong trust in my judgements, decisions, and convictions made with the limited amount of information one always has in foresight. I’ve lately become more certain about my life, and the direction I want it want to take. I certainly know what I want, but I try to remain flexible.

In the last two months I’ve learned more than I have in year before that, and the sudden surge of confidence I’ve gained in my opinions seems to be related to this. I realize that I’ve learned a great deal through the course of my life.

But I have much more to learn as well.

Sometimes I see the same movie twice with a large gap of time between viewings, and I understand the characters, thoughts, emotions, and actions very differently each time.

A few days ago, I came to the realization that I’ve been a different person in every relationship through my eight year dating period. Not all of me has changed, but there are a few aspects which I believe would be important in such a bond.

I’ve gained more maturity and more confidence. I’ve gained a fair amount of intelligence (though I still feel like I have infinitely more to learn). I’ve changed career goals, relationship goals, and happiness goals. I’m more outgoing, more tolerant, more secure, less pretentious (I hope), less arrogant, and less ignorant. I’ve changed my opinions on children, abortion, and religion. I’ve even changed my actions based on these shifting beliefs.

Although I view most of these changes as being good things, they may put strain on a relationship nonetheless. After all, change is change, and unless a relationship is strong and flexible enough, it cannot endure such stress. It’s a little scary to think that I may be bringing extra strain into a relationship, simply by being myself.

At one point in my inexperienced youth, after having changed a fair deal already, I believed that I wouldn’t change any more. Now I realize how stupidly oblivious a comment that was, and am of the belief that I’ll never stop changing.

The most important thing to keep in mind through all of this is whether the change is for the better, and as Tom has helped me realize, relationships (friendships or otherwise) should form around this idea.

Whether or not a relationship will work out in the end is not based on one person, but the foundation and dynamic of two people.