When I think of the Chinese culture, a very specific image comes into my head, of a father dominated family, parents who don’t know their children, and closed-minded individuals.

I think my upbringing has exposed me to such a one-sided aspect of Chinese life. Almost every Chinese family I’ve met is like this. It wouldn’t be so bad if I saw the kids as growing up and surpassing such limited individualism. And yet most of the Chinese people my age just seem to be falling into the same childish mindset, a product of parental (mis)guidance, in my humble opinion.

It almost makes me sick.

When I read about Chinese history, I’m fascinated about how wisdom is held in such reverence, and how scholars are so respected. The same virtues seem to hold for Chinese people today, except that they don’t truly understand why academics are important, or why one should learn an instrument.

I wish I didn’t have such a limited view of a culture with such great history. I wish I could be exposed to an amazing Chinese family. I wish something could change my view.

All of this has created such a distaste of Asian looking girls in me. It’s as if my mind makes an unfair association.

I’m stuck.

I forgot to plug in my freezer after disconnecting it to free up a spot on the power socket on Saturday, so basically all my food has gone bad. I still have some breakfast and lunch food in the refrigerator, but that’s about it. I won’t be able to do much grocery shopping this week due to all the shit I have to get done, and the most convenient store for me to get to is closed until the fall, so I’m pretty much fucked, food-wise, for a few days.

I can’t stand what people believe are Chinese accents. Every time I hear one from a North American source, the accent can’t be further from realism. Every time a Chinese person is on the Simpson’s, or a Crank Yankers prank call from a Chinese guy, or even the fucking Chinese people speak in C&C: Generals, I get pissed off. Why don’t they just get an actual Chinese person to do the accent? The accents are not even close to what a nasty Chinese person sounds like. It’s like they have to tone down the accent so that people can recognize it (let alone understand what the person is saying), and so that it can be accepted by the general public.

Speaking of C&C: Generals, I was able to get my hands on a copy of it today, a few days before it’s due out in Canada. It looks amazing, but possibly a little too cluttered for actual gameplay purposes. I’m not sure if I’ll buy it yet. I’ll probably wait and see if my friends are interested in purchasing it for online play, and if I get addicted enough to warrant support of EA Games, although I’m sure they have enough money as a publisher of mainstream games already.

I got a compliment on my black nail polish today. I was pleased, I guess, but I suppose that it’s rare that one would make a bad comment on something like that; I think that most people, if not finding it atractive, would simply remain silent.

Somehow I got an 80% on my cryptography assignment. I imagine that the class average was around there. The questions were so difficult that the TA had to be extremely generous with the marks. Pat ended up getting 88%, which I feel is unfair, since he spent so much more time on his assignment than I did. It seems to be such a plight of university, that professors don’t realize that students’ capabilities are much lower than theirs.

Well, things just can’t get any better.

Yesterday I found out that my contract, which expires in December, will most likely not be renewed. This could mean that I will be out of a job when I graduate, since my position will be filled by a full-time employee. If things get busier at the office, then I might be asked to come back again. Until then, I might not know. The availability of a full-time position will not be known until next years budgeting comes around, which is usually around March.

This afternoon, I also found out that my grandmother passed away. I didn’t find out any of the details, which is one of the few times that I’m glad of my ignorance. It saddens me that I didn’t get to see her one last time, to show her that I cared about her, the next opportunity being within a months time. Yet she didn’t last the wait, and my chance, twice passing, has been missed. My parents will be attending the ceremonies by flying to Hong Kong on Tuesday. I haven’t cried yet, and I probably won’t.

And apparently, according to some Chinese tradition, the death of a loved one means that one cannot visit any other family members within 49 days of the death. Which means that I won’t be able to go to Hong Kong for Christmas vacation, something which I’ve been looking forward to with unspeakable pleasure. The tradition is not something that I would generally honour, given the circumstances, but since it is important to my other grandmother, I easily, stoically abide by the rules of the funeral ceremony.

I will miss the Christmas lights and spirit, the cooler, more tolerable weather. I will miss my chance to purchase a much needed leather jacket, to buy presents for my friends, to do some much needed relaxation.

But what can I do? Feel sorry for myself? I believe that this is the worst string of news I’ve ever had. There just doesn’t seem to be any act I can accomplish to make this pain go away, except for talking about it. So many things have fallen apart within the last 24 hours, so many things being changed. There just doesn’t seem to be much to live for right now, since I generally tend to simply live day-to-day.

It’s hard for me to understand what I should be thinking or feeling right now. Everything just seems so numb. I guess things have just come so suddenly, and caught me by surprise.

I’m really at a loss for words.

Aaron told me that he didn’t think I was spoiled today. I was a bit surprised, since even I think I’m spoiled to an extent. I realize that I take many of the privileges I have for granted, but I’m always thankful of the financial freedom that I’ve been given. We seem to be able to talk for hours on end, and it’s worth getting in trouble at work for it.

One thing that we discussed was the rules about acceptable dating habits. The rules that he follows are difficult for me to understand. One seemingly universal rule is that you can never date a friend’s sister. It’s hard for me to understand something like this, because I’ve never had siblings of any kind. I think that the problem would lie in whether a break-up would happen; where would one’s loyalty lie, since you’re so close to both people? I believe that if both parties are mature enough, they will be able to remain friends after something like that should happen. I realize that it may not always work out that way, but I believe that the decision of the risk would be up to the friend and the sister.

He also told me that he would never date any of his friends’ ex-girlfriends, and that it was an unspoken rule among his friends as well. I guess the rule seems very rigid to me, as I’m sure there should be exceptions, such as who was at fault, and why they broke up.

There just seem to be so many rules that people follow, good or bad. I know some girls who won’t date guys shorter than them. I can’t even begin to comprehend this; it just seems so amazingly shallow, or perhaps I’m just oversensitive about my lack of height. I also know Chinese girls who won’t date Chinese guys. The only explanation I can find for this is that a girl may not like the Chinese culture, so they associate Chinese guys with this. Yet how can every Chinese guy be completely set in the Chinese culture? The explanation just doesn’t seem to work.

One of my Caucasian ex’s said that she would never date a white guy, because they always seem so shallow. I was offended because I wouldn’t be dating her, had I simply inhabited pale skin. She realized that she was wrong to simply associate white guys with being shallow, based on her past experiences.

An interesting point that I once discussed with Aaron was whether Caucasian girls found Asian guys attractive the way Caucasian guys find Asian girls attractive. We came to the conclusion that, no, they do not. It lies in the fact that the mongoloid race has a generally slimmer build, something which guys find attractive in girls, but something which girls sure as hell don’t find attractive in guys.

It’s a good thing that I’ve given up for now.

These titles are getting rather vague, which can be a good thing I suppose. They sort of remind me of the way Tool names their tracks (Sober, Parabola, H., Stinkfist), which is sort of an equivocal, general statement on what their subject matter covers. After all, Stinkfist is great song on fisting and societal standards. I’m still unsure as to what my favorite song of all time would be, but that one is definitely within the top 5.

I had a great night, feasting on Prime chicken thighs simmered in a cream of mushroom sauce on a bed of rice. I tried out a new cider, called Blackthorn, which I find is very similar to Strongbow, with a drier taste. I’m still finishing my Hong Kong milk tea as I write this, made with condensed milk, of course. Best served very, very strong. I couldn’t find any of the Rickshaw brand, so I went to a medicine store in the middle of Chinatown and bought half a kilogram there from a sweet old Chinese woman. It was the first time in my life that I had to use my knowledge of the Chinese language, as I guessed she didn’t have a practical knowledge of English.

I found another Dears song called No Return, which just sounds so great. It truly follows the form of their “orchestral pop noir romantique” style, whereas some of their songs don’t. Blood Roses by Tori Amos is pretty good too, as I enjoy the sound of a harpsichord (though my version of Aria from Goldberg Variations is piano), if it didn’t have what I feel is too dissonant a vocal part near the end.