Between the overtime and the venture meetings with Aaron, the restless nights and the early mornings, I try to catch my breath. It’s good to be busy, but not when it means I don’t have the time or energy to write. This is the probably the most infrequent publishing period I’ve ever been through since the start of this blog. Thoughts develop in my head, but I’m not ready to get them down and hit publish yet. Maybe it’s a comfort thing, maybe it’s a front, maybe I’ve simply lost the desire to document every single detail of my life.

Through all of this I feel myself regaining some stability, although I tread lightly, remaining both conscious and cautious. This is the most I can say for now.

This is going to be one of those stream of consciousness things that I haven’t done in so long. I find myself noting what to write about next, and even though it’s a great way to get out the things I want to say, I’m too focused on a single topic to really feel satisfied.

Actually, I’ve mostly been too busy to write lately, a problem I never thought I’d have. When I’m not too busy, I’m too tired. Been golfing, cleaning, getting my hair cut. Speaking of which, I requested a male “stylist” the other day, as opposed to Josee. I wasn’t sure if this would be a rude thing to do, but I’ve spoken to a lot of people, women included, who believe that male hairdressers do a much better job than their female counterparts. It turns out that quite a lot of people go exclusively to male dressers. I never would have understood why (it seemed like a rather silly thing to me) until I had my hair cut by one. I only needed to tell him that I wanted a trim, and he did a perfect job of it, something that Josee needed about three appointments to figure out.

Today is poker night at Pat’s. I’ve never played Pat before, but I’m scared to death of facing him alone. As a socialite, he can read people like a book, and I’m sure he’d quickly pick up on any tells that I have. Just means that I’ll have to play extra tight, and throw in an occasional bluff to throw him off. Actually, it’s limit hold’em so I can afford to play a little more loose (but still not as greedy as Darren).

Hoping to talk to John tomorrow. He’s been moving around cities, and only settled into a steady summer apartment this week. I tried to catch him up on things earlier, but there just wasn’t enough time.

I left work about halfway through the day. A sharp pain was starting to develop on the sides of my head, and I was generally sore all over. Even while chewing or swallowing, there was a tremendous pressure from the head of my mandibular condyle to the inner ear. Most likely, I was starting to run myself down; the last time I felt like this was after an all-night shift at the Office of the Superintendent of Bankruptcy, and I ended up running a fever and missing two days of work there. Shirley convinced me to take an extra strength Tylenol (with codeine), which is something I rarely do. I’ve always believed in paying attention to the pain signals that the body gives off.

Trolley and I, with the assistance of Aaron, moved a significant portion of chattel through the week, translating into late nights and miserable days. Every previous night, I’d verbally consider sleeping in the next day knowing how hard it would be, and as Trolley noted, I’d never end up doing so. Even this morning I couldn’t sleep, so I got to work at ten past seven, more than half an hour early. It’s good to know that I was able to be stronger mentally than physically, something that has always been difficult for me to balance. Usually it feels like my body is giving out first, but afterwards, I realize that I could have handled more. This time, my body is actually telling me that I’m overworked. I think the key is convincing myself that physical discomfort is just a temporary feeling that can be ignored.

It’ll all be worth it once I’m settled down, which will most likely not be until I get my closet doors installed. I’m replacing my white ones with mirrors, and since the closet runs the entire width of the wall, they all need to be custom sized. It’s the last thing that’ll be done before I really feel like I’m in my own home. The mirrors should make the room look twice as big and appropriately darker. I got the quote today, and it’s just under two grand, tax in, including installation. I decided to go ahead with it, since it’s actually cheaper than I expected, so they should be arriving in 6 to 14 days.

Next week is haircut, getting custom-fitted venetian blinds, Christine’s birthday dinner, and a lot of unpacking.

We were at the house late last night, building desks and filling drywall holes. I decided not to sleep in this morning, because I needed the time to get work done, although I also needed sleep to get it done properly. There are mailouts to complete, statement stuffers to design, bitmaps to vectorize, and countless other things for which I’m responsible. I convinced myself that I’ve (begrudgingly) gone through enough torturing days of little sleep for someone else, so it would be more appropriate if I did it for myself now.

Stepping outside, the chill of winter morning still in the air against the early light of spring, I skipped nine tracks until Claudio started singing, in his shifting, melodic voice:

Bye bye beautiful
Don’t bother to write

My lethargy turned into energy, as I thought of how things have worked out based on the decisions I made. How I could die happy right now, although I’d prefer to wait at least two weeks if given the choice.

The way I seem to have everything I deserve, and nothing that I don’t.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. At night I wear an anti-bruxism splint (made of thermal active material to eliminate metal clasping), and this prevents the occlusal surfaces of my teeth from wearing down. Unfortunately, this doesn’t prevent the actual act of grinding, and sometimes I still wake up with lock-jaw.

Ever since the beginning of the year, things have been along moving quickly, both good and bad. On top of that, most of it has been happening all at once, leaving my emotions in a rather unsettled state.

Everything feels like it’s some duotone greyscale.

It’s not that anything is wrong, but there’s been a lot on my mind, especially with the upcoming move. I have to get the walls trimmed and washed before painting them. I have to get the locks changed and dimmer switches installed. I have to find the perfect desk and recliner for my room. I have to make sure that the phone and cable is installed. I have to adjust to a new set of monthly (sometimes bi-weekly) payments for insurance, hydro, heat, condo management, mortgage, and property tax. I have to relax and take one thing at a time.

Hopefully, things will be settled by mid-April.