I haven’t been sleeping well lately. At night I wear an anti-bruxism splint (made of thermal active material to eliminate metal clasping), and this prevents the occlusal surfaces of my teeth from wearing down. Unfortunately, this doesn’t prevent the actual act of grinding, and sometimes I still wake up with lock-jaw.

Ever since the beginning of the year, things have been along moving quickly, both good and bad. On top of that, most of it has been happening all at once, leaving my emotions in a rather unsettled state.

Everything feels like it’s some duotone greyscale.

It’s not that anything is wrong, but there’s been a lot on my mind, especially with the upcoming move. I have to get the walls trimmed and washed before painting them. I have to get the locks changed and dimmer switches installed. I have to find the perfect desk and recliner for my room. I have to make sure that the phone and cable is installed. I have to adjust to a new set of monthly (sometimes bi-weekly) payments for insurance, hydro, heat, condo management, mortgage, and property tax. I have to relax and take one thing at a time.

Hopefully, things will be settled by mid-April.

This doesn’t feel like Christmas to me. I’m not sure why, but the fact that it’s so close to the 25th still hasn’t clicked in yet. Maybe it’s because I decided not to buy presents for anyone this year. Maybe it’s because this is my first year working full-time and I’m used to having a longer running break before the big two-five. Maybe it’s because I’ve been too busy to relax, running around, making plans at the last second. This is usually my favourite time of the year, but I haven’t had any time to enjoy it.

I had the hardest time deciding on what to do for new years. At first, I was just going to spend it by myself at my apartment. I don’t really have a reason to celebrate, and if I was, it would be with my five closest friends ONLY so that I wouldn’t have to deal with ANY moronic people. The only problem is that three of them won’t even be in the city, and the other two are too social to be spending it with me and my select company. Perhaps one year, my friends will indulge me (after tiring of large parties) and we will have an intimate gathering. I think I’ll start planning for next year before everyone moves off to start their careers and their families.

Aaron expressed his desire for my attendance at his new years celebration and I eventually agreed. I was hesitant at first, because, to be honest, I haven’t enjoyed the company Aaron has had over for his dinners lately. I’m one who’s always believed that it’s the company that makes things enjoyable, not the activities. Stick me in a room with my friends and we can have fun doing anything. Stick me in a room with a single person I dislike, and I’ll be miserable no matter what. The agitating guests aren’t Aaron’s fault, of course, or the fault of the guests themselves. I’m an intolerant person.

And I’m working on it.

The days can go on with regularity over and over, one day indistinguishable from the next.

—Travis Bickle, Taxi Driver

Every day I think that I’ll catch up on sleep at night, but I never seem to get the chance. I have time here and there to write, but things don’t come out properly when I’m tired. Even on the weekends, when I expect to be able to sleep in, I’m always off somewhere, doing something. It’s such a change from how I was living last year; no school, no job, no girlfriend, with all my friends still attending university. I lost all sense of time.

I’m busier than ever at work, and it’s a great feeling to know that I’m responsible for so much…for meeting deadlines, for completing projects, for coming up with solutions to peoples’ problems. It’s a lot of stress, but it’s a great challenge. Being forced to work with a lack of sleep has made me more accustomed to thinking while fatigued, something that I never thought was possible. I used to need a proper eight hours a day to think, otherwise I could only operate at a basic level. Only one day in the last month have I felt rested. The fact that I’m still going and getting things done is a big deal to me. And now it feels like I’m finally working towards something, in my relationships, in my career, even in my equity and assets.

I remember Pat telling me to enjoy my unemployment, and I did exactly that. I appreciated every minute of it, and now I appreciate every moment that I have something to do. I appreciated the freedom of being single, and now I appreciate the comfort of being with someone.

Here I am, thinking that I have at least a single month to get into a regular writing schedule, and suddenly tons of things pile up, leaving me with no time to write. I suppose that being too busy is better than not being busy enough, especially with my history of idleness.

It’s been non-stop for the last two weeks. Exams, moving, vet appointments, unpacking, cleaning, errands, etc. I don’t think I’ve ever been this busy or sleep deprived. I’m so tired that I can barely stay awake on the bus rides home. I can’t even think long enough to come up with a decent entry, and writing and reading have fallen on my priority list. Hopefully I’ll be settled in by the weekend so that I can enjoy it, housesitting for my boss. Lost my bus pass this morning.