I’m currently on autopilot. Doing without thinking, and just being.

It’s a strange feeling because I’ve been trying to get to this level where I’m no longer conscious of trying to be at this level¹. It’s a recursive nightmare. But now that I’ve been here for a few days, I’m not sure if I like it. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m not used to it, because I feel like I’m missing something, or because I feel way too overstimulated.

I tried to schedule a day of rest, aka me time, aka hermitizing in my house, in between every event, but that didn’t work out. I won’t have a single day to myself until the 3rd of January. I was hoping for a holiday where I could sit and do nothing for two days in a row, just so it’d be like a long weekend at least. I’ve been trying to celebrate because I finished my contracts early, but I suppose these last few days have been enough of a treat, even if it’s left me without any time to withdraw and reflect.

One day I woke up at Darren’s house, went downstairs, turned on the TV, and Serendipity had just started. I remember watching this generic holiday drivel set in a New York Christmas at Vicky’s house back when I was in university. It was definitely Christmas back then cause I was back home in Toronto, before my parents divorced, and we went to house parties as a family. It was it’s own little serendipitous sign, reminding me the holidays were here, and I should take it all in for a second.

1. Croupier, starring Clive Owen, is completely based on this idea. Go see it. [↑]

It’s been busy. Side work is going well, and I try to do as much as I can on weeknights so I can have my weekends free.

It’s made for a rather hectic schedule, which is a welcome distraction at the moment. I feel great for being productive, and great for being able to relax. Time is flying. I can’t believe it’s past the middle of September already.

I use to bring my cameras with me everywhere, but now I find I’m taking fewer pictures. I want to be less of an observer/documentalist and more of a participator lately. I don’t want to miss out on living from worrying if I’m capturing everything as best as possible.

One of the things that’s helped me maintain my productivity is Things for my iPhone, which gives little alert badges on the things that are due. It’s a great motivator when you want to clear the alerts from your home screen.

If it hasn’t been painfully obvious already, I’ve been busy. Even though it’s only been four days since my last entry, I think that’s the longest I’ve ever gone without writing since my month-long hiatus back in 2006. There are so many thoughts I have been putting in the back of my head to write down, so many photos I have yet to work on and post.

The big project is the house show on Saturday. This week I’m getting things ready: cleaning; buying ice, ice cream, and toppings for the ice cream bar, cups, spoons; moving furniture; creating playlists for the lounge time before the show; organizing food and sleeping arrangements for the artists; and preparing to capture the whole ideal in picture and video.

I think I’ll be able to breathe again some time in mid August. Until then, I’m working away happily, and learning to prioritize instead of doing what I feel like.

But even then, I don’t think I’ll want to stop. I’m quite enjoying these projects, or, should I say, finishing them because it means I’m productive, and there doesn’t seem to be anything more satisfying at the moment. I haven’t sat down and lost myself in a game in a while, which is strange for me. And even stranger that I’m not jonesing, as it used to be my favourite pastime, and the only one that would relax me. Most of my relaxation time now comes in little doses of quick iPhone games.

I like being busy.

But we’ll see how long that lasts.

It seems like every weekend I make plans, because I think “I haven’t seen this person in a while and I don’t know when I’ll have a chance to hang out with them again.” But it doesn’t seem to stop, because there’s always another person to see, another thing to do, and by the time I’ve caught up with the last friend, it’s been months since I saw the first friend again.

This is the first weekend that I’ve had free. I just played Black and White 2 for five hours, and it feels good, considering that I haven’t really played a game in a while, let alone be able to lose myself in one. It’s like I don’t get a chance to relax for more than 45 minutes at a time before I’m off doing something else.

A lot of my older co-workers tell me they don’t even have time to relax on the weekends. It’s one of those things that comes with having kids, having a house, having a full-time job. Is this what being an adult is about? Not that I mind; for a while now, I’ve wanted to be this busy so I could forget about things, to move on.

And then, I realized that I have.

What began as an attempt to move my router and modem from their precarious positions on top of my (top-opening) deep freezer, turned into a complete reorganizing of all the closet space on the bedroom level of my house over the weekend. This means I had to pull everything out to see what I was dealing with, decide how to sort it all, and buy shelving units and storage bins to store them.

It was a race to get everything packed away (or thrown out) and off the floors of the bedrooms and hallways before the weekend was over so I wouldn’t have to sleep surrounded by the mess. I disturbed many a spider’s home this weekend, and in doing so, had to kill the spiders as well.

But it didn’t stop there, oh no. At 10:30 last night, with my bedtime closely approaching — and my eyes drying out from the exhaustion — I got my ironing done, and my latest batch of music added to my iPod.

It seems like it’s another weekend gone, chipping my nails, damaging my fingers. Non-stop, save a phone call with John.

The last few weekends was literally spent in bed with my muse, so I guess I was just making up for productive time that I haven’t had in a while.

Bronwen and I agreed to try to see each other at least once a month. Which doesn’t seem like a lot at only 12 times a year, but I think of the last time I saw Pat or Aaron, and it was on New Years.

I’m also trying to make documentary nights and Sunday brunches a regular thing. The frequency of regular remains to be seen.

It seems like even my relaxing time needs to be planned and scheduled. I’m taking a break from God of War 2 to play Black and White 2, which I never finished. My next booking with Dan is over a month from now, but I just received notification that it has to moved back to accommodate for other venture.

I’m still going with projects, starting new ones before the old ones are finished. I’ve decided that I can’t stop the creative process, and that forcing myself to stick with one until completion makes it a chore. I like to have my fingers in several pies at once, so that I can take a break from one but still be productive by moving to another.

It seems like the busyness never ends. Is this what being an adult is like?

Sure, I may be writing this now, but all I can think of is how busy I am, of how I should be filling in my to-do board, so I can keep track of everything.

The month looks like this:

December 6th — Work Christmas Party
December 19th–21st — John visiting with Sheila
December 22nd — Hosting dinner with Naveed and his family
December 24th — Dinner at Julie’s, then sleeping over at Shirley’s
December 25th — Christmas at Shirley’s
December 26th — Dinner for Julie’s birthday
December 31st — New Year’s party at Aaron’s, then over to Pat’s

I need to go into work for a few hours in between to do some end-of-year archiving, and I’m hoping Darren’s going to be able to come up with Arjman at some point too. Then there are all the projects I’m trying to finish, both personal and professional.

I never thought I’d have a tag for “busy”, but there you go.

I’m looking forward to the holidays this year. I need the time off. I’m hoping to catch up on a few games, and finally breathe. I even miss visiting relatives I’d only see once a year, back when I had a family to go home to, or should I say, when I was so naive that I thought I knew what family was supposed to be.

And maybe that’s what I’m really waiting for.

I’m driving out to Toronto tomorrow. Instead of a long vacation, I’ve decided to do long weekends until Christmas.

I’m praying for a safe drive, as it’ll be my first winter with the Civic, and the fact that it already snowed in Toronto today. I’ve always pictured myself in my car, warm inside, protected from the cold outside. I like that idea.

As per usual, I’ll be packing all my camera and video gear.

I’ve been so busy getting ready for this trip — organizing plans with people, getting my pictures printed and framed, packing, doing extra work for my first boss — that I’m already feeling somewhat overwhelmed. It’s going to be four days packed with people, so I know I’ll be feeling overstimulated by the end.

Normally, I don’t like to have things this tight, but there are so many people I want to see. If I could, I’d fit in Andrew and Alex, maybe even explore on my own.

I’m still pretty excited though.

Continue reading

In any case, I’ve been working on my projects, though mostly trying to finish the ones I’ve started. Sometimes it seems like there’s no end. Aside from an awesome Friday night (and an hour after dinner on Saturday night trying to digest a big meal), I’ve been working non-stop this weekend.

At the very least, the days have brought much rain, and even more inspiration. I miss the snow, but the rain satisfies for now. I’m not even sure if I like how early the sun sets at this time of year. Both day and night affect the mind in different ways, bringing out (or masking) different parts of you that you forgot were there. Each has its own importance.

At one point, I realized that life is a series of Jens, from winter to winter.

There’s been much music too, so much that I’m thinking about starting up a podcast again. But it’s another project, another idea I have yet to do.

I could have written so much more about each one of these topics, but I tried to keep digression to a minimum. They’d end up being full-blown entries of their own, and I’d never finish writing anything. For these entries, the ones that ramble about no subject in particular, I always look for lyrics, or titles, or snippets from other people’s entries that sort of explain the mood I’m in. Yep.

I’ve been feeling disconnected, somewhat forgetting my Taoist teachings. This is probably a good thing, as I tend to be focused on the thought and theories too often, and not enough on the application.

There’s a fine line between resignation and acceptance. But sometimes I feel like I’ve fallen face-first to one side.

To be honest, I’ve been writing this entry for over a week now, but my thoughts and ideas keep branching out. Every time I sit down at the computer, I delete something that’s lost relevance, and add something more. Like this.

I happen to have a chance to write now. It’s raining, so naturally the windows are all open.

My life has been somewhat chaotic lately. Weekends spent being social have been turned into introverted exile, a way of charging my batteries once again. The added benefit is that I have more time to tie up loose ends on my projects. I’m even getting back into the still photo medium again.

I installed these dry-erase marker boards next to my front door. I use them to keep track of my tasks, projects, and errands, so I can come home and immediately decide what I feel like doing. The two silver clips are used for hanging notes and letters.

Nothing feels better than putting that thick black line through a task. Writing on frosted glass is pretty tasty too.

I use the other board for quotes, a way to keep myself motivated — or grounded — every time I pass by on the way in or out of the house. It’s also a nice way for me to practice my hand-drawn typography, by trying to balance characters, words, and lines on the board in different variations in an esthetic manner.

There’s something familiar about this. A feeling like I’ve been here before, not in this situation exactly, but in the middle of the chaos.

All I know for sure is that I feel like I can handle it much better than if this was happening a year ago.

It’s almost two in the morning. Yet again, I should be sleeping, but I’m writing now, not because the inspiration is particularly striking, but because I don’t know when I’ll have a chance to write again. So now I’m enjoying my new scented candles and the way the apple cinnamon aroma mixes with the night air coming through my back door.

I needed this long weekend.

Julie and I just got back from Pat and Jen’s one-year anniversary party, in which I was finally able to give them the anniversary gift I’d been saving since the wedding: a collection of video messages left by guests during the reception (recorded on the laptop I’m using to type this right now, no less).

I also got a chance to try their new Wii Fit, learned how to play Bohnanza (a bean trading game), and pigged out on gigantic hamburgers and German potato salad.

Been trying to finish my projects and tie up loose ends.

Been trying to match schedules with people: next weekend is dinner with Misun and Frédéric and their two boys (which we’ve been trying to coordinate for more than a month now), the weekend after is John’s visit, and the one after that is dinner, movie, and Cranium with Dan and his family.

Been buying light fixtures and shelves and candles, indulging my obsession with frosted glass, and making minor house upgrades.

Been spending more than I should.

Been in love with her more than I can help.

The weekends are all I have left. After working 8+ hours during the week, I don’t feel like doing anything but vegging out when I get home. So now it’s already Sunday — or Monday morning, I should say — and I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing so far. Not that it’s a bad thing, since I’ve been able to enjoy myself instead of feeling guilty that I’m not getting enough done. I tell myself that I’ll be productive when I wake up, but who knows.

Sometimes, long weekends are for catching up on doing nothing. And man, am I behind in that.

I’m in Toronto right now, at John’s house. He has the cottage for his birthday weekend, so I took two extra days off work to see him. It’s kind of strange how much I’ve been seeing him lately. In the past, we’d go over a year without seeing each other because he was in Windsor for law school and I was in Ottawa without a car. But now that he’s been called to the bar and I’ve obtained the Civic, things have worked out.

We plan on going to the Ontario Science Centre today — something I’ve wanted to do for a while¹ — then driving up to the cottage tonight. We’ll spend two days at the cottage², maybe take a day trip to another town, and drive back on Sunday. Aaron also called me yesterday about his co-ed baby shower on Sunday, which i’m not sure if I’ll be attending yet, since I’ll have driven eight hours that day.

Sunsets and Audiobooks

The drive was absolutely amazing. The weather was perfectly cool, and the sun took its glorious time setting over a few hours. I think the most satisfying part is getting to the section of highway where the 417 splits to the 416, and one can stay in the left lane and accelerate through the turn, leaving all the traffic behind.

I listened to some audio CDs of Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking on the way over. The concept is that our first reactions (made within a few seconds) are often intuitively correct, and that even after thinking about something for a long time, we end up going with our gut feelings anyway. We’re made to believe that the more important something is, the longer we should take to make a decision. I’m especially guilty of this³. Wally lent them to me in an effort to help me act faster so I don’t miss any opportunities. Not sure if they’ll help me, but the way it delves into processes of the human psyche is a very interesting listen nonetheless.

Feeding Butterball

Left Dolly lots of food, and I’m hoping she doesn’t eat it all. The reason why I feed her by hand is because she doesn’t have any sense of how much to eat, and balloons up if not controlled. In either case, I expect a lot of poo in the litterbox when I get back.

New Game

I bought John a copy of Assassin’s Creed for his birthday, which thankfully was on his list of games for which to watch. It was developed by Ubisoft Montreal, the same studio who made Prince of Persia, and plays very much the same way. An open-world concept with lots of stealth elements. Certainly a game I could get into. We take turns playing, and it’s made me realize that I haven’t been playing much myself in the last few months.

A Sense of Overstimulation

Life has been somewhat overstimulating lately, and I can’t blame anyone but myself. After spending a day shopping for housewares with Julie last weekend, the house is a big mess, with things scattered over the counters and floors. I haven’t even had a chance to write about the last time I came to Toronto. It seems like life is going faster than I can keep up. I’m just trying to enjoy it, especially when the weather is this beautiful.

After all, life is for the living. This won’t last forever. I get to look forward to some time alone when everything is settled.

1. I don’t think I’ve been since grade 4, so over 18 years ago. [↑]
2. Last time I was there was two years ago [↑]
3. John says that I tend to over analyze things to the point of paralysis. [↑]

So much to say in my head, but when I sit down, it all disappears. It’s as if being in front of a blank page, with the all the possibilities before me, is catharsis enough.

Many things to do has left me with little time to write. A trip to Toronto for the long weekend means I have to make sure all my batteries are charged (one for the digital camera, two for the HD camcorder, three sets for the flashes), and my memory cards (two for the digital camera, two for the HD camcorder) are cleared.

Thunder has interrupted this post. I opened up the blinds to see the rainfall, and the light from the street lamps has come spilling into the room. This makes me realize that the hot chocolate candle Shirley gave me for Christmas, along with the glare of my Macbook Pro screen, weren’t doing a great job of illuminating my writing nook. I had Thrice playing, but have turned it down so I can hear the sheets of water pouring through the street.

Got a bunch of stuff done tonight. While picking up some groceries, I was served by a bookish girl with braces. She had a distinct lisp, but carried on ebulliently as if she had the most beautiful voice in the world. Later on, as I walked through the mall, I caught this Katherine-with-a-K slouched back in a seat in the food court, eating dinner with one arm in her lap. It reminded me of an entry I wrote about a girl doing the same thing six years ago. How I wish for that kind of peace and serenity. How long ago that was (university!). How different I was back then.

Been feeling very aloof lately. Not sure if it’s me, or something my mind is doing to protect itself. Maybe it’s a way of disconnecting myself from the world. I must need it right now. This afternoon I was reading from a book of Tai Chi classics Louise bought me, and found one part particularly fitting¹: “Do not be concerned with form. Do not be concerned with the ways in which form manifests. It is best to forget your own existence“.

1. Listed as the first of the Eight Truths of Tai Chi. [↑]

I’m going through another phase where I’m tired of the comfortable stagnancy I’ve created for myself. I need to throw my life into a bit of disorder so I can fix it again.

So amongst the projects that have been occupying most of my time lately, I’ve started making plans to see friends I haven’t seen in a while. It’s about time for another long drive out to Toronto, a trip to John’s cottage, or playing host for dinner-and-a-movie-night.

There’s a different sort of comfort to be found in other people. It’s a different voice, instead of the one in my head. A way of gaining some objectivity. The key is finding right people. Fortunately, my friends all fit this category.

Maybe I’m trying to occupy myself, as a way to stop thinking so much. Maybe I’m just craving a change, because I think it’ll fill a little part of me that’s empty inside.

So the next two weeks are:

• a walk by the river with Frédéric, Misun, and their two boys
• four Tai Chi classes
• a haircut with Jeff
• table tennis with Dan at the university, then back to my place to watch Constantine
• Victoria Day long weekend
• a tattoo appointment
• a session with the therapist
• lunch and a movie with Aaron

Not including the work I need to do on my latest photo project for the next show. I’m also supposed to catch up with Naveed at some point in there; he’s having a pool party for his latest investment property. I got us some cigars because he’s a new father, which I’ll have to do for Aaron as well, since his first (a boy) is on the way.

Busyness seems to come all at once, leaving me bewildered. Never a bit here and there.

Then all of a sudden, I’m alone for days at a time, wondering what happened and where everyone went. It’s a strange flux that goes from one extreme to the other.

The goal becomes a balance of both. That way, the solitude is a welcome change from the overstimulation and vice-versa.

It’s late. I should really be in bed. My eyes feel super dry and tired. I don’t even think I have enough energy to floss before brushing my teeth, but I’m going to force myself to do it cause I have a dentist appointment on Wednesday. At least I’m showered, warm and comfortable.

I haven’t sat down in my chaise to write in a while, although I should because it feels so good. The two-day writing schedule fits nicely in with everything else going on in my life.

It’s been busy. Andrew and Alex left last week, so I have to the house to myself again. The company was a fun change. Through them, I met Ziny and Ellen, whom I did pictures of yesterday. Hopefully I’ll be doing some more of Paige tomorrow, as well as more work on my next project in the upcoming week.

My sleeping schedule is still somewhat messed up, but only because of engagements that keep me up late. Thanks to smoothie power, and a better understanding of how to control my eating through bouts of IBS, my stomach is much better. I’m still breaking out pretty badly though.

Went to see Dan today. I haven’t been to his place since last fall. Last time we hung out, it was for phở and to watch Being John Malkovich at my place. Every time we hang out, we play musical tennis, where we take turns listening to a song, and giving another song recommendation based on the previous one. This is super fun, and only Dan has a taste in music as diverse as mine to play this correctly.

Drove to Quebec for the first time, and the roads are pretty bad. The lines have mostly faded and the shoulder has encroached on the road, so you can’t tell where you’re suppose to be. On top of that there are potholes everywhere, and the usual assortment of bad drivers, and this makes driving in the French province less than fun.

Since I don’t take the bus anymore, I don’t have any time where I just sit down, hence no time to read. With the time I’m saving, I’m trying to read before I go to bed. My book rotation right now is the following:

• a fiction book, currently Last Light Of The Sun by Guy Gavriel Kay
• a Taoism book, currently Awakening to the Tao by Liu I-Ming
• a Tai Chi book, currently The Essence Of T’ai Chi by Waysun Liao
• a book recommended by my therapist, currently Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko

In the next couple of weekends, I’m trying to hang out with Darren, Navid, Pat, Julie and Blake, Frédéric and Misun. I don’t like to mix friends. It’s not as efficient, but I prefer to concentrate on one (or one couple) at a time.

Through all of this, I’m missing Bronwen sooooo much.