This week has been such an emotional roller coaster. I can’t describe the odd moods I’ve been in, the twists and turns my mind has been going in. I feel lost.

I have three mid-terms tomorrow, one of which I feel confident about. I tried desperately to study during the three days I had off, and only one of them (today) had any progress whatsoever. I think it’s just my study environment, combined with my current emotional fluctuations. I tried to study in the SITE building today, watched the sun go from east to west, and felt my melatonin levels drop. I feel burned out already. I definitely need this reading week.

Speaking of which, I most likely won’t be going home for the week. I’ll probably try to hang out with Trolley or Thom. I don’t have time to change the dates on my train tickets, or even get a new ISIC. I’m not even sure if I’m elligible, since I’m a part-time student when not considering my honours project as a course.

My progress through Moby Dick has been non-existent lately.

I’ll have to catch the Married with Children reunion special on Sunday. I always found the show to be amusing when I was a kid, though I never laughed out loud as I would if watching a funny show nowadays, like Family Guy. I think I was just mystified by the openness with which the sexuality was dealt with, something that I never grew up around. I’m sure the special will remind me of the summers I spent at home long ago, something I’d rather remember for my innocence than my ignorance.

I’m downloading Full Metal Jacket. I still can’t get over how brilliant the entire film was, possibly the best display of genius on film I’ve seen so far. I still haven’t decided whether I should buy it though, since it’s not quite a movie I can relate to, which is generally the criteria I use to build my collection.

I found out about a book called Soul Mountain by a man named Gao Xingjian. I read the summary, and found out that it had won a Nobel prize for literature in 2000. I was very interested. Apparently it’s an œuvre in which he explains many facets of his life, which I imagine has much to do with persecution in China. I would very much like to read it, but I still have Moby Dick to finish, and the Moonstone to start. I’d also like to get through The Glass Bead Game, which is also a Nobel laureate, but a book I once found too dense in vocabulary to comprehend. Many of the reviews I’ve found about the Glass Bead Game say that it’s a book which has changed peoples lives, and from what I can tell, it’s a book which not many can sort through (i.e. pseudo-intellectuals can’t use it as a phantom symbol of their superior knowledge).

Speaking of intellectual poseurs, I was in contact with one just the other day, though on friendly terms. She didn’t say anything that made me think of intellectual superficiality, but as I hadn’t spoken to her in a while, and her being one of the few that I know, I was reminded of this strange complex. I feel compelled to write about it.

I’m not quite sure what it is about this aspect of a person that makes me go mad with frustration. Perhaps it’s the fact that they don’t truly understand things which I may find beautiful. All I can think is, “You’re missing the message!”, or “Who did you get that opinion from?”.

Of course, I understand that people may see beauty in different ways, and interpret an artists message quite differently than other people. I suppose that it’s not in their opinion that I see shallowness, it’s how they come to that opinion.

Take American Beauty, for example. The pseudo-intellectuals that I know enjoy that movie because they find the symbol of the roses to be so deep. The think that the image of the plastic bag is so meaningful. They don’t realize that all of the symbols, all of the imagery is just handed to them. All they see is a character who thinks intellectually in the film and they think, “Wow. This movie is so deep”.

I guess it’s better than an ignorant person saying, “I didn’t like Magnolia, it was trying to be all weird and stuff”. At least the poseurs are trying to be smart. Of course, I even know complete idiots who say that they enjoyed American Beauty because it “made them think”.

I simply wish that a pseudo-intellectual would try to actually comprehend something, instead of using popular opinion, or believing that something is meaningful simply because there is a meaningful element. Or that they would have no opinion on a piece of art they don’t understand, instead of disliking it for the fact.

Of course, I wouldn’t appreciate the truly intellectual people I know without them.

I’m just not sure if it’s worth it anymore.

Fucking right. I’m having another mug of savory Hong Kong style milk tea. I wish they just made this stuff in cans, instead of having to go to make it every time. Of course, I bet that too much of this would be deleterious in some way or another.

John broke up with Julia today. Quite the big news. The incident closest to this in scale within the last year for both of us would have to be him winning in the SAC elections. At one point, Julia actually called me, and wanted to know what I knew. It felt a little awkward. Omertà.

I’ve been neglecting Moby Dick lately, and I always feel guilty about neglecting my literature. Sometimes I feel like it’s the only productive thing that I can do with my life, since it’s one of the only things that I actively do to improve myself. It’s something that I just forget about sometimes, when I’m caught in the midst of mid-terms and assignments.

I’ve even been neglecting a lot of games. I haven’t played any Supermario Sunshine, Eternal Darkness, or even Neverwinter Nights lately. The most game time I’ve been getting has been in class with my GBA. I’ve lost touch with my gaming roots. It’s like I need a new gateway game to suck me right back in again. I really enjoy SMS and Warcraft 3, to be sure, but nothing that really captures my attention for more than an hour at a time.