I am usually not one who professes to know a lot. I’m often fairly humbled in front of many others who possess a greater intelligence than me (although I know my fair share of stupid people). I think that intelligence is something about myself that I’ll never be satisfied with. There are too many things to know and learn and improve upon, and the pursuit of such would take longer than an eternity.

Reading back on some of my entries, something which has been hard to do lately, I feel like a child again. My entries seem to be filled with such uncerebral emotion sometimes. It’s as if I can be greatly bothered by things that I should be able to overcome. Of course, it’s writing here which helps me out when I need it, when it feels like no one can understand or relate. It all just fills this written history with bias. Nothing can change the fact that I am still a human person who has emotions, although my life experiences have dampened them considerably.

I feel young when I realize how much these emotions can sometimes affect me.

I’m still unsure whether it would be better or worse to feel more. On the one hand, I can keep myself in check and keep my actions consistent if something happens which might upset me. On the other hand, I feel numb, as if things which should bring me pleasure end up being nothing in particular.

Balance needed in yet something else.

I’ve come to a point in my life where I’ve achieved my stability. That’s not to say that it won’t disappear once a new situation arises, but it seems that my loss of balance has given me practice in regaining it.

The future seems so uncertain. I don’t have a roommate for the summer, and I don’t even know if I need one. Everyone is talking about moving in with each other, but none of our leases end on the same month. I might not be graduating in a month if I fail any courses, a very distinct possibility. That means that my graduation ceremony would be delayed, and I would need to register for a summer semester. I don’t even give a shit about the graduation ceremony, but it’s not like I would be going for myself. I don’t even have a job lined up any time soon, something which I am desperately in need/want of.

Yet in the face of such uncertainty, I have been able to remain relatively stable. I’m not sure why this is. Possibly, the taste of good living I had last summer has created a kind of hope in me, a hope with no-strings-attached.

What an odd turn of events, that having a content situation (and even losing it) has made me “happier”. I wonder if it’s just a phase, that I’m still riding off a store of emotions, and that once the store in drained, I’ll become a bitter person. Somehow I doubt it, but one can never tell.

I can now safely say that I am a better person, although if history has taught me anything, it’s that anything can change.

And yet there is still a wish for change.

I came home yesterday with a note on my desk, and it said that Dolly was being taken for a walk.

My first reaction was disbelief. I couldn’t understand how someone could just take my cat for a walk. I was beside myself with shock. I felt violated. I felt insulted. I felt terrible.

I hadn’t walked Dolly yet, for several reasons. First of all, I didn’t have her microchipped, so any chance that she gets away would be devastating. Secondly, I hadn’t decided whether I should take her out yet, since she might miss being outside too much after her first time. That was a big decision for me, one that I hadn’t made yet, but one which was made for me.

The most important point is that Dolly had her first walk without me. I wasn’t there to see how she reacts with the world, I wasn’t able to be the first person to let her outside.

I stood in my room for ten minutes in disbelief. I couldn’t even wrap my head around how someone could do such a thing, to walk into my home and violate my feelings in such a way. I put on my headphones, put on my fuck off playlist, and sat under my desk, shaking my head. This was the most offensive thing anyone has ever done to me in my life.

When the realization that there was no other first walk sunk in, I started to sob. The shock segued into depression, and I slumped onto the ground, pulling my hair, still in disbelief. I cried for a good while, something I haven’t done for eight or nine years. I cried so hard that my tear ducts felt like they were being sucked of their fluids and the walls were starting to touch each other. By the end of it, my eyes had the old familiar swollen feeling, and I was exhausted. I showered and tried to wash the mucus from my hair.

The whole situation has made me more fully understand how much I care about Dolly. I already knew how much I cared about her, and I appreciated her before, but I never realized the extent of it until now. I don’t see her as a pet. I see her as a child.

It’s also made me think about the nature of good and bad, and how much of a balance there is. I never really believed that either existed, since one bad thing generally spawns a good thing, such as murder helping to control overpopulation, or genocide leading to beautiful art/culture. Of course, I’ve never been through either, so my thoughts are quite limited.

I just can’t see the good in this situation. I can’t see how this can be anything but bad. I haven’t learned anything from this, one of the only possible justifications for it happening, and I have lost even more faith in humanity.

Seeing the good in this would be healthy for me.

The idea of unbalanced relationships was brought to my mind over the weekend. For a relationship to work, both parties must be satisfied with the relationship. If one person isn’t happy, then the relationship is bound to fail, unless work can be done to appease that person.

An interesting idea that arises from this is the occurrence of relationships in which both parties have differing reasons for being together. For example, one person might like the good time that the other is able to give, while the other person might like the intelligence of the first person.

I imagine that a trophy husband or wife relationship would be like this. One person has money to offer, whereas the other person has looks, and both are willing to sacrifice for the other.

Even a relationship as unbalanced as this is able to work, as long as both people are happy. And what if one person wants one thing from the other that can only be temporarily provided? The relationship becomes temporary itself, although not to both people.

Yet can such a relationship work? That depends on the definition of “work”. I don’t think that such a relationship can last for long. After all, it is based on the fundamentals of hedonism, to one person at least. The other person, aware of this or not, will only be left alone in the end.

So, hypothetically, one may look at both cases, one case where both parties are aware of the temporary status, and the other case in which only one member knows of such sinister motivations.

The former can be successful, as both people have an understanding of the situation, although an ending of the terms may cause problems such as the end of a friendship. The latter, on the other hand, can only lead to pain.

Being confused about either can only lead to worse.

I think Dolly may be interested in having another cat around the house. I’ve been playing some cat sounds, and no matter where she is in the apartment, she’ll coming running into my room. A second cat is something I only started to consider this term. Last term it felt as if I wouldn’t be able to handle the chores, let alone doubling my annual veterinarian bill. Sometimes she seems lonely though, like when she immediately starts to cry when I walk in the door after a day of school, her protesting only being soothed after picking her up, and being replaced by a low purr. I’ve always seen myself as a one cat person; I think I’d feel a little imbalanced if I had more than one. If I do decide to get one, it will definitely be after I graduate, definitely after I find a stable job, and possibly after I can purchase a condo. It would be more for Dolly than for me though. I can’t imagine finding another cat that is as well-adapted as she is, so the idea scares me a little.

One time I discussed with Pita whether he would ever consider getting two dogs. He said that he couldn’t, not just because it would be much harder to handle, but because he would feel more favourable to one or the other.

The idea of favour is one that I haven’t been able to understand. How can parents love all their kids without liking one more than the other, especially when one follows the desires of the parents more closely. It might be something I don’t understand, being an only child. If such a balance is possible, wouldn’t polygamous relationships work as well? I think part of the misunderstanding stems from my confusion of relational love and parental love as well.

For love is the root of my imbalance.