I’ve been talking with Pat and Aaron over the last few days, and we seem to be able to help each other out when we need it. Sometimes writing about it isn’t good enough. Generally, that’s when a second opinion is needed, or one is afraid of being blinded by emotion.

I think it’s a great privilege that I’m able to have such a good friendship with John, Pat, and Aaron, each relationship being very distinct from the other.

With John, I share a bond of independence and solitude. Ironic that our friendship is based on such antisocial attitudes. It’s our intellect and mindset that allows us to relate. Although venting to him is difficult, we have a comfort level that allows anything to be said, and nothing to be misinterpreted. Something which I suppose developed greatly over the large amount of time we have known each other.

Pat is a friend without even trying to be one. It is in his nature to be friendly, and it shows in his actions and attitude. I’m sure that I am not an important person to Pat, because he treats everyone equally, as he wants to be treated. For Pat, everyone seems important, and he has every aspect that I look for in a friend, without asking for as much as an ear to listen to. He ends up treating one better than one could ever possibly treat him, and he’s always helped me regain my balance.

My friendship with Aaron has been an interesting event. Never have I related more to someone. Yet we have such different attitudes and different experiences. I see myself in him. It seems so odd that I’ve been able to meet someone with so many similarities that I’m able to sense a bond. It makes me question the idea of fate and intervention, something which I thought I had a set understanding of until recently.

I think that I’ll always wonder what I’ve done to deserve the company and friendship of such good and unique people, except for John I suppose, since he’s inherently evil. I feel like a monster next to them, with all my vices and problems.

I remember crying once a long time ago because I was nobody’s best friend. The idea made me cringe and feel worthless, because I believed that I wasn’t important to anyone. I suppose the situation hasn’t changed much; I still feel as worthless as ever.

Except my friends can now make me feel great.

I bought Aaron an MD player today. He’s been needing quite a few things, like his TV fixed, an aquarium, a new hard-drive, etc. so I thought I’d make it easier on him since his Discman just broke too. I’m not really sure what he’ll say though. I’ve learned a lot about gift giving within the last year, and I know that some people are very sensitive about it. A while ago, I never could have imagined someone refusing to accept a gift, unless there was a sinister purpose, such as a bribe. I always felt like it was rude if someone refused a legitimate gift.

I suppose it’s similar to the idea of hospitality. Can it ever be rude to refuse someone’s hospitality? Even if they spend an inordinate amount of time preparing for such a thing? I’ve come to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be rude to decline an offer of hospitality. After all, it is the responsibility of the host to make sure that the guest is comfortable. If the guest refuses hospitality for whatever reason, then that should be fine. The host should be happy with whatever the guest is happy with.

It’s only with this example that I’ve come to understand the gift-giving idea as well. If someone refuses to accept a gift from me, I would be fine with that. I simply want to make the person happy.

Which is why I’m not worried to give Aaron such a gift. I won’t be offended in any way, no matter what his reaction is.

I can’t wait.

I once wrote about how I could never come up with my own ideas, that my creativity was non-existent. After all, I look to this and that for inspiration and ideas on nice, simple webpage design. It seems to be true for almost everything I do though. My style of dress. My expressions. My elocution.

When I first wrote about this, it felt like I had no creativity whatsoever, that nothing I created was original. I constantly felt like all that I could do was imitate.

The realization dawned on me today, that I always look up to certain aspects of so many people, and that I’m always trying to capture that aspect for myself, such as Steve’s style, Aaron’s character, Rob’s serenity, John’s/Alvin’s intelligence, Nadine’s charisma, or Dave’s strength. It feels like I’m just a motley menagerie of other peoples’ personalities, never really being “myself”. I end up being someone who can only imitate parts of other people.

I suppose that I’m fine with this, although it’s taken me a while to understand this fact. After all, it’s only been within the last year or so that I’ve come to accept myself, and who I’ve come to be. I feel like I’ve become a better person in my pursuit of self-improvement, but only by following what I like in others.

For only in others can I see beauty.

Aaron’s got himself some negative maintenance. I want in on something like that.

The idea that I have tons of work to do is finally settling in my brain.

Aaron told me that he didn’t think I was spoiled today. I was a bit surprised, since even I think I’m spoiled to an extent. I realize that I take many of the privileges I have for granted, but I’m always thankful of the financial freedom that I’ve been given. We seem to be able to talk for hours on end, and it’s worth getting in trouble at work for it.

One thing that we discussed was the rules about acceptable dating habits. The rules that he follows are difficult for me to understand. One seemingly universal rule is that you can never date a friend’s sister. It’s hard for me to understand something like this, because I’ve never had siblings of any kind. I think that the problem would lie in whether a break-up would happen; where would one’s loyalty lie, since you’re so close to both people? I believe that if both parties are mature enough, they will be able to remain friends after something like that should happen. I realize that it may not always work out that way, but I believe that the decision of the risk would be up to the friend and the sister.

He also told me that he would never date any of his friends’ ex-girlfriends, and that it was an unspoken rule among his friends as well. I guess the rule seems very rigid to me, as I’m sure there should be exceptions, such as who was at fault, and why they broke up.

There just seem to be so many rules that people follow, good or bad. I know some girls who won’t date guys shorter than them. I can’t even begin to comprehend this; it just seems so amazingly shallow, or perhaps I’m just oversensitive about my lack of height. I also know Chinese girls who won’t date Chinese guys. The only explanation I can find for this is that a girl may not like the Chinese culture, so they associate Chinese guys with this. Yet how can every Chinese guy be completely set in the Chinese culture? The explanation just doesn’t seem to work.

One of my Caucasian ex’s said that she would never date a white guy, because they always seem so shallow. I was offended because I wouldn’t be dating her, had I simply inhabited pale skin. She realized that she was wrong to simply associate white guys with being shallow, based on her past experiences.

An interesting point that I once discussed with Aaron was whether Caucasian girls found Asian guys attractive the way Caucasian guys find Asian girls attractive. We came to the conclusion that, no, they do not. It lies in the fact that the mongoloid race has a generally slimmer build, something which guys find attractive in girls, but something which girls sure as hell don’t find attractive in guys.

It’s a good thing that I’ve given up for now.