equivocality — Jeff Ngan's collection of thoughts, experiences, and projects, inspired by pretty much everything
Me @ Twitter
10 months ago
Me @ Twitter

not sham­ing myself in the base­ment get­ting drunk off tiny wines

10 months ago
09 Jun 13

Lisa-time, me-time

Our reunion ended on a cliffhanger, where *Skins SPOILERS* Tony gets hit by a bus, Sid finds Cassie, and Angie breaks up with Chris. But fin­ish­ing a sea­son means we have the chance to start some­thing new (or resume another show), and we tend to alter­nate between com­edy and drama, sweet and savoury, while sur­rounded by kit­ties in the lit­tle nest we make for ourselves.

girl and cat

Cats warm their balls in your hair and make eye con­tact to show dominance.

I didn’t real­ize how hard it was to go a whole month with­out her until I saw her again. The time we’ve spent over the last few years has made me com­fort­able enough to let my guard down, and it’s good to be reminded that we’re capa­ble of such things every now and then, espe­cially when still deal­ing with trust issues and emo­tional trauma.

The things we share are often small and sim­ple, as they’re mostly about plea­sures and we’re eas­ily pleased. Actually, it’s more like she’s eas­ily pleased, while I’m pleased when oth­ers are happy. It’s a dynamic that works really well for both of us. I love myself when I’m with her cause she appre­ci­ates me in all the intri­cate ways I want to be appre­ci­ated, and that gives me a lot of the val­i­da­tion I need in my life right now.

Me @ Twitter

RT @CupcakeH3RO: @equivocality: I noticed your web­site and would like to say,thank you for con­tin­u­ing your dreams.I’m writ­ing an essay abou…

10 months ago
Me @ Twitter
10 months, 1 week ago
Me @ Twitter

Lisa tomor­row Lisa tomor­row Lisa tomor­row Lisa tomor­row Lisa tomor­row Lisa tomor­row Lisa tomor­row Lisa tomor­row Lisa tomor­row Lisa tomorrow

10 months, 1 week ago
05 Jun 13

this must be the place

Somewhere, I have notes on fam­ily and names, the infamy of Cuban fare, being alone together, break­ing the seal, pass­ing Damian on the way to Havana, salty hair from salty air, rum and brown, threaded fin­gers, not enough euchre, every life-guard try­ing to sell me lob­ster meals, pat­terns on palms, plus 20 min­utes Cuba time, find­ing out how deep my scars run, blush­ing through my sun­burn, sand every­where and in everything.

beach

 

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Me @ Twitter

RT @jzy: some­times I want to get remar­ried to my wife just so @equivocality can shoot a wed­ding video. he’s amaz­ing. equivocality.com/tag/weddings/

10 months, 1 week ago
02 Jun 13

thousand-yard stare

Heather left a pack­age out­side my door after try­ing to make plans and get­ting what must have been a dis­tant answer. Organic herbal tea, 80% dark choco­late truf­fles, and not only sushi from my favourite restau­rant, but my favourite kinds too. She knows me extra­or­di­nar­ily well for a per­son I barely get a chance to see, and she cares so much even though she has no idea what I’m going through. It’s helped me real­ize that some peo­ple are bet­ter at being what you need, that you can’t expect every per­son to fill all the roles in your life. I’m also try­ing to fig­ure out what those needs are right now, and how to express those needs to oth­ers (or how hard it is for me to express them).

It always takes me a while to recover from these kinds of weeks, and this one was par­tic­u­larly dif­fi­cult. When the cops showed up, I pulled the whole Drexl Spivey thing and ate my Chinese, car­ried on like I ain’t got a care in the world. I know what they need to hear, espe­cially the sec­ond time around, and what’s more, I know that noth­ing they say will make a difference.

Everything has left me feel­ing numb and over­stim­u­lated. Almost all the hours are spent in Far Cry 3 with a bolt-action sup­pressed Z93, wast­ing time and lives in appro­pri­ate por­tions. Losing myself in that world and not get­ting any­thing pro­duc­tive done at all was an easy deci­sion. I know I deserve to be okay for a lit­tle while, and we all deal with our dam­age in dif­fer­ent ways.

31 May 13

Protected: if only for the moment

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30 May 13

Protected: changing lanes

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29 May 13

Protected: I'd love to talk

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29 May 13

Protected: unfilled prescriptions

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28 May 13

Protected: but a whimper

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25 May 13

amour de soi

The last time I saw my ther­a­pist, I said I hope I’d never see him again. That would mean every­thing was okay.

It’s been about two months now. A lot of the heal­ing I’ve been doing lately has been about not blam­ing myself for the past. Tragedy and pain are eas­ier to accept when there’s a rea­son. Often, it was eas­i­est to deal with both if I was that rea­son, even though it wouldn’t leave me feel­ing very good about myself.

But some­times there are no answers, noth­ing to point the fin­ger at when things fall apart. Looking back on old plans and impor­tant peo­ple, given the knowl­edge I had at each stage in my life, I real­ize I would have done every­thing exactly the same, every sin­gle time. Understanding that has given me a sense of self-respect again, and helped me come to terms a lot of things I found dif­fi­cult to get over.