equivocality — Jeff Ngan's collection of thoughts, experiences, and projects, inspired by pretty much everything
Me @ Twitter

I’m on the wrong side of the lens! “@lizmbradley: the infa­mous @equiv­o­cal­ity at work while I pho­to­graph @bonkand­beans! http://t.co/s164sSs1”

3 years, 8 months ago
Me @ Twitter

And how she was friends with Basia Bulat, who played at the funeral. #small­world

3 years, 8 months ago
Me @ Twitter

Explain to me how I leave town for a few days and John’s friend is struck by a car and killed in Ottawa.

3 years, 8 months ago
21 Oct 11

remainder

Don’t try to make life a math­e­mat­ics prob­lem with your­self in the cen­ter and every­thing com­ing out equal.

—Anatole

Sometimes it feels like I’m being pun­ished for a crime I never committed.

Me @ Twitter

Anyone singing along to OMCs How Bizarre in this store must be around 30.

3 years, 8 months ago
Me @ Twitter

This hap­pens all. The. Time. #design­er­notre­spon­si­ble­for­con­tent

3 years, 8 months ago
Me @ Twitter

The only prob­lem is the footage isn’t mine, it belongs to a pro­duc­tion com­pany that uses the Wu Wei theme for their website.

3 years, 8 months ago
Me @ Twitter

Producer for Martin Bashir’s show just con­tacted me, ask­ing to use footage of Russell Simmons at the Occupy Wall Street protests today.

3 years, 8 months ago
17 Oct 11

the things we carry

I can’t fig­ure out why I’m so moody lately. Maybe it’s been too long since I smelled the wood of my gui­tar. Maybe it’s the fresh Autumn colours that tend to mag­nify my emo­tions. Maybe I’m feel­ing over­worked, over­stim­u­lated, and too rarely under­stood. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had a moment to myself in what feels like weeks, with so many feel­ings of lone­li­ness amongst so many people.

Autumn stream

 

I always think of exile in times like this, and in par­tic­u­lar, a stanza from Yevgeniy Onegin:

From all that to the heart is dear
then did I tear my heart away;
to every­one a stranger, tied by noth­ing,
I thought; lib­erty and peace
would serve instead of happiness.

Luckily, I’ve been read­ing The Poisonwood Bible, which reminds me that the only prob­lems I have are first-world prob­lems, and that I’m rich in ways many will never be.

I find it amaz­ing, the immen­sity of it, how any sin­gle per­son can be respon­si­ble for a tome of such rich sto­ry­telling, obser­va­tion, and wit. It’s the only book I’ve picked up in years, and I only started read­ing to get into her head as much as pos­si­ble (and piqued by my curios­ity on how she could describe a story of the Belgian Congo as sexy). Unsurprisingly, her favourite char­ac­ter is the strong, faith­ful, war­rior daugh­ter. Mine is like me too; the dark, brood­ing, intel­lec­tual child, dizy­gotic twin to hers. It makes me won­der if lik­ing one char­ac­ter over all oth­ers is too often an exer­cise in vanity.

In the end, Onegin real­izes he was wrong about exile, that he couldn’t fill him­self with empti­ness to replace the sad­ness, some­thing he only fig­ures out when he finds some­one worth lov­ing. That’s what’s pulling me back too, keep­ing me grounded amongst those dark moments of untem­pered emo­tion. I carry the image of her smile with me, the only thing as dis­tin­guished on her face as her Spanish eyes, and the rea­son I call her Cheeks from the way the flesh pulls up to round her face. I’ve stud­ied this smile for so long that I can see it every time I close my eyes, and with that, I carry a strength of my own too.

Me @ Twitter

Okay kit­ties, which one of you smeared poop on the ban­is­ter? Or more impor­tantly, how?!

3 years, 8 months ago
Me @ Twitter

Hmmm…maybe I should have tagged that last tweet with #feel­likea­MAN

3 years, 8 months ago
Me @ Twitter

I killed two spi­ders today and my dick is SEVEN INCHES LONG.

3 years, 8 months ago
09 Oct 11

gambler's fallacy

It’s my eleventh time here in four years, almost three times per. At this rate — con­sid­er­ing how sel­dom I get out nowa­days — it’s one of the only places I fre­quent. Each visit serves as a small time­stamp, from the year we went home with dif­fer­ent peo­ple to the year we went home together, and all the times caught in between among heavy snow and mechan­i­cal horses.

wedding name card

 

Strange how often I come here when it’s so rarely by choice. I always think I’ll be up next time, that I won’t be sit­ting by myself in one of these great halls, cause for­tune even­tu­ally smiles on every per­son who takes a chance on love.

Me @ Twitter

I can now swal­low three pills at a time as eas­ily as one. Something I’d rather not know or be proud of. #col­i­tis

3 years, 9 months ago
05 Oct 11

a short break in adolescence

I’ve been feel­ing like an adult.

This isn’t due to my fis­cal respon­si­bil­i­ties or my tidy home or any other things I used to use as a mea­sure for matu­rity, but from feel­ing like every­thing makes sense. Like I have all the answers the way adults seem to do, because I can see the big pic­ture, I under­stand what truly mat­ters, and I don’t sweat the small things anymore.

It’s only now that I’m at a point where I feel like a grown up. Like this is finally who I’ll be for the rest of my life.

That’s not to say I’ve fin­ished grow­ing, that I’m not human or infal­li­ble, but there aren’t the same strug­gles or changes that I used to have, so my emo­tions and atti­tudes have evened out.

For a while I won­dered if I’d just become another turning-30 cliché, but I real­ized it was never about age. Various things have brought me to this matu­rity, from con­ver­sa­tions to rela­tion­ships to trips far away. It all hap­pened to be around the begin­ning of a new decade in my life.

Maybe I’ve been feel­ing this way only because things are going so well. It’ll take some hard­ship to test how far I’ve truly come as an adult, but until then I’ll try to live like a child, cause too often youth is wasted on the young.