Music sounds so good. It’s like everything has a beat I can dance to.
Sometimes I start writing an entry based on notes from a few weeks ago, but I end up discarding most of them cause I don’t feel the same way anymore. It’s like I’m constantly shedding skin in the words I delete.
I tend not to over-think things now. My decisions are based on what I want at any specific moment, instead on the future, or the consequences, or what may happen as a result. This regression has been one of the most important (and difficult) things I’ve learned to do. It feels like I’ve been going in the wrong direction for 30 years, but at least I was able to figure that out before much longer. Now I understand Picasso when he said, “It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child.”
Pat on his new grill. He’s still figuring out the hot spots.
I don’t even practice guitar anymore, but I’ll put on a song I’m addicted to and pretend I’m playing with my favourite singers for hours. It’s not helping me improve (which is usually what I enjoy), but by god is it fun.
The weeks leading up to my trip were full-tilt cause I couldn’t stand being by myself. It was never that bad before. I even bought an iPad app that lets me watch random webcams from around the world, just so I could have something happening live next to me, even if it was two-thirty in the morning. Usually it was a buffalo chips restaurant in Florida with mustard tablecloths, a beach resort by the sea in Italy, or an overhead cam of a sushi chef in Tokyo.
Nowadays, I don’t mind the solitude or the company. I’m feeling unwound and have settled into old habits; not getting enough sleep, eating at the wrong times, never going out. The main difference is that I get so much less of John nowadays, which means I feel so much more alone, but I’m strong enough to be okay with that now.
The days are bright. Like a boy, I find it hard to concentrate on work when the sun fills the house with warm light.