There’s something about a girl that apologizes. It’s like it makes her more human. I’ve always been one who likes girls who have their off days, instead of looking like a million bucks all the time. I guess it lets me know that they aren’t just superficial all the time, that they know that looks aren’t always important.

But when a girl apologizes, man. It turns me on. They know that they’re flawed in a way, and they have the “consciousness” to understand it.

It shows that they’ve reached the third level of understanding, as outlined below, the first level being complete ignorance, and the fourth level being complete enlightenment:

1. I don’t know that I don’t know
2. I don’t know that I know
3. I know that I don’t know
4. I know that I know

Not only does apologizing show that one is at a certain level of self-awareness, it shows that one is mature enough to admit this to oneself. And, as we know, maturity is fucking hot.

It’s the admitting to oneself that I find is much harder for people. So many people that I run into have such closed minds that they refuse to believe anything that goes against what they’ve believed for most of their lives. Sometimes, when one admits one was wrong, it invalidates a huge chunk of ones life and worldview. It’s a hard thing to do, and it takes strength, open-mindedness, and intelligence.

Of course, apologizing is nothing without change, without learning. Someone who learns greatly from their mistakes, and who isn’t afraid of making them for the sake of learning, is just amazing.

It all adds up; almost everything that I look for in a girl is encapsulated in one simple act of apologizing. It certainly makes things much simpler.

Yet more complicated at the same time.

I think I’m completely fucked for my mid-terms. It usually takes some failing at the beginning of the term to tell my brain that I need to get my ass in gear. So usually I’ll fail the mid-term, then do fine on the final. It’s like I need to know that I’m failing to pressure myself to do better. I’ve certainly got the first part down well; I got a 18.5% algorithms assignment handed back to me yesterday, and 45% project proposal. I hope to do better. It is NOT a good time to get addicted to Warcraft 3.

I bought some Infusium 23 for my terribly damaged hair that Natalie recommended to me, and it’s amazing. It really is as good as the conditioner that comes with hair dye kits.

I found out about a book called Soul Mountain by a man named Gao Xingjian. I read the summary, and found out that it had won a Nobel prize for literature in 2000. I was very interested. Apparently it’s an œuvre in which he explains many facets of his life, which I imagine has much to do with persecution in China. I would very much like to read it, but I still have Moby Dick to finish, and the Moonstone to start. I’d also like to get through The Glass Bead Game, which is also a Nobel laureate, but a book I once found too dense in vocabulary to comprehend. Many of the reviews I’ve found about the Glass Bead Game say that it’s a book which has changed peoples lives, and from what I can tell, it’s a book which not many can sort through (i.e. pseudo-intellectuals can’t use it as a phantom symbol of their superior knowledge).

Speaking of intellectual poseurs, I was in contact with one just the other day, though on friendly terms. She didn’t say anything that made me think of intellectual superficiality, but as I hadn’t spoken to her in a while, and her being one of the few that I know, I was reminded of this strange complex. I feel compelled to write about it.

I’m not quite sure what it is about this aspect of a person that makes me go mad with frustration. Perhaps it’s the fact that they don’t truly understand things which I may find beautiful. All I can think is, “You’re missing the message!”, or “Who did you get that opinion from?”.

Of course, I understand that people may see beauty in different ways, and interpret an artists message quite differently than other people. I suppose that it’s not in their opinion that I see shallowness, it’s how they come to that opinion.

Take American Beauty, for example. The pseudo-intellectuals that I know enjoy that movie because they find the symbol of the roses to be so deep. The think that the image of the plastic bag is so meaningful. They don’t realize that all of the symbols, all of the imagery is just handed to them. All they see is a character who thinks intellectually in the film and they think, “Wow. This movie is so deep”.

I guess it’s better than an ignorant person saying, “I didn’t like Magnolia, it was trying to be all weird and stuff”. At least the poseurs are trying to be smart. Of course, I even know complete idiots who say that they enjoyed American Beauty because it “made them think”.

I simply wish that a pseudo-intellectual would try to actually comprehend something, instead of using popular opinion, or believing that something is meaningful simply because there is a meaningful element. Or that they would have no opinion on a piece of art they don’t understand, instead of disliking it for the fact.

Of course, I wouldn’t appreciate the truly intellectual people I know without them.

I’m just not sure if it’s worth it anymore.

Aaron’s got himself some negative maintenance. I want in on something like that.

The idea that I have tons of work to do is finally settling in my brain.

I never did express any resolution on my jealousy situation. After thinking about the situation for a while, I realize that I can still be a jealous person. It’s almost as if I now know that I’m human. “Still, it’s nice to know I’m capable of tears!”, Lermontov’s character, Pechorin, tells us.

I’m not quite sure if this is a good thing or not. After all, I spent a good deal of my early consciousness trying to become a completely cerebral person. I haven’t been entirely successful, after all, I’m human, but I do believe that I have achieved a degree of logic that I can be content with. It makes me wonder how Lermontov, as we can see through his character, can be so “evil” a person. As he admits, much of his character’s traits are based on his own.

I simply wish that my mind and judgment wouldn’t be so clouded as it had been on that day. It’s a little scary, not knowing in what terrible way I can act out in.

I once met someone who was in total control of his emotions. In this way, he could feel when he wanted. This allowed him to lose himself in a greatly touching movie, but also gave him a control of any negative emotions he may experience. I looked up to this person greatly, something that I wish I could say was more common in the people that I know. It seemed like such an amazing ability, although many people whom I express this to disagree.

And I still haven’t decided whether I disagree as well.