I started fooling around with a new layout, something that can support more content and can better flex my creative muscles. I’ve come up with a metallic look so far, but it’s mostly been fruitless. I need something that I can just keep without having to update, so that this can be effortless.

I’m not sure if I’ll be getting the new Xzibit album. His lyrics seemed to have swayed from his first albums, and they have a more commercial feeling now, ever since Dre started producing his albums.

I got back another failing mid-term, which brings the total to two. I think I’ll be dropping Warcraft 3 until the term is over, because of all the pressure and time involved. It’ll give me time to do some more school work and other possible projects. If I had known that I would be failing that mid-term, I would have gone to a Guttermouth concert the night before, even though I hear their latest album is terrible.

I actually can’t sit through the entire Dirrty video; the girl with the Mexican wrestling mask makes me think of some cheap rip-off of Hewhocannotbenamed.

When Aaron and I talk, it always seems so quixotic. The only difference between us is that he actually believes in it, while I keep a more realistic mindset. I’m not sure what to believe, but I should decide soon, since I have freedom to move back home with John now. Six months is a very short time. I’m not really sure what to think, since everything is up in the air. The main priority would be job opportunities. It would be great to live with John though, since we’ve known each other for so long, and we haven’t been roommates once yet. It would all fit in, since Pita is thinking about moving out in the summer. The problem with my plans with Aaron not working out is that I’d only have myself to blame. Aaron can’t be held responsible for anything.

I have two group projects going, and only one of them is working out. I don’t think some people realize how rude and horrible it is to redo the work of others, simply because it’s not up to the standards of the former. I hope I never do that to someone.

For once, I need this.

I just received (within 10 minutes) a one page letter denying my application to become a Big Brother. It greatly, greatly saddens me. I wish I knew why they decided this, but they aren’t at liberty to discuss it. I actually had to sign something acknowledging that if I was rejected, I wouldn’t know why, if the organization chose not to tell me.

I’ll always wonder why I was not allowed this opportunity. I thought I’d be good at it, but I’m sure that this committee of people know better than I. After all, I have little experience with younger people. I just wish someone could understand how much this would have meant to me.

I wonder if it could be my maturity. If it could be my time restraints. My relationship with my parents. My being a good hater. Could it be that they feel my motives are out of selfishness? Could it be that one of my references gave me a bad reputation? Or simply that I’m not the right kind of person for the job? I really have no idea, since I believe that I gave an extremely good impression at the interview.

I always believed that my experience with parenting would help me become a good parent myself. Many people whom I’ve spoken to believe this of me as well. Yet, the idea of having children of my own still scares me. It’s the idea that I am in control of someone else’s life, when I believe that my own life will always be full of entropy. What happens to my child if I ever got divorced? What happens if I ever died? So many uncertainties make the whole idea very frightening.

I also don’t believe I have the capacity to love in this manner. It’s not a paternal emotion that I have been able to develop or learn. I have my reasons.

The subject of kids has always been present in my relationships, and it’s usually been a source of conflict.

About three years ago I came upon a site called WebMD. It’s a pretty good resource for health issues, and psychology issues. One of their events was a chat session with a parenting expert, and I couldn’t help but try to ask a question that I had been asking myself at the time. The transcript can be found here (my name was jesterz_webmd).

At the time, I felt like her answer was quite unconventional.

Then again, I was only 19 on the time.

I stepped outside today, on the dry, white, lonely concrete. Every morning I go outside, I open the steel door and the sky sets my mood.

I managed to pass my DNA and Quantum Computing mid-term with a 67% (somehow), but I failed my Networking and Communications mid-term with a 51%, where 55% is needed to pass. There’s only one mid-term left that I haven’t gotten back yet, but I don’t think it looks good.

I watched the first half of Safe, and it’s an interesting movie so far, concerning environmental issues. Julianne Moore plays the trophy wife of a high class Babbitt who starts to be overcome by health effects. It’s not really my preferred type of subject matter, but I’ll still finish the movie. Julianne getting her hair permed is reason enough for me.

I’ve been listening to my metal mix this entire week, and I suspect that I might listen to it for a little while longer.

I’ve always enjoyed watching actors perform conflict leading to tragedy. There’s something about the way they can express their emotions, the hopelessness of it all. Out of the 21 movies that I own, nine of them are tragedies. They are as follows: Lolita, The End of the Affair, Being John Malkovich, Casino, Leon: The Professional, Goodfellas, Titus, Onegin, and Scarface.

Perhaps I can relate to some of the conflicts that arise, or the seemingly desolate situations that come upon them. In all tragedies, a common element is the way in which the situations will never end well. The corruption of an innocent, organized crime, unrequited love, all themes that can have no peaceful resolution, yet are so attractive in a terribly hopeless way.

The conflicts that arise always seem to be so emotional, so powerful. Perhaps it’s the way in which the conflicts are presented that has always drawn me. Perhaps it comforts me to know that someone has been through similar conflicts as I have, and that they understand this, that they can reproduce it, that they can do it justice.

The actors usually seem to be able to portray an innocence, an ignorance of the only possible outcome in their faces. The look of peaceful bliss on Humbert Humbert, after kissing Dolores for the second time, seems to be a particularly striking example. He seems completely unaware that his actions, though tempting, are not only lawfully wrong, but morally wrong as well.

Perhaps I’m just trying to relate to an idea which is actually beyond my experience, and I cling to this idea for comfort or for pity.

Perhaps I’m simply searching for an answer to the way my current situation will resolve. Onegin seems to be particularly relevant. It seems to be the most realistic answer as of now.

It’s something that I don’t usually think about until the night sets in. The blackness of the sky always makes me wonder.

I wish I knew the answer.