Somehow, I did manage to fall asleep in class today, and it was great. I felt much better the rest of the day.

I’ve been racking my brain over a question on one of my assignments. I haven’t worked this hard on one question the whole term, but I did manage to solve the problem. I eventually had to e-mail my prof to get some help, and she was extremely helpful.

I finally watched through the end of Safe. Parts of it made me very angry. Parts of it made me feel very sick. There was a great lack of emotion in the film. I felt as if it was supposed to come from the audience. When some characters did become emotional, it was very interesting. It’s not really my choice of subject matter, but I found it to be a movie which was well put together.

I’m pleased with the way my story came out on Sunday. I feel that it portrays the situation in a proper manner, which is the most significant part. It always seems as if my best work is accidental, and that I don’t actually have any talent, just some good luck.

I realized a little while ago that I respect self-understanding much more than self-confidence. It’s such a pity, because many people I know have much more of the latter than the former. I use the words self-understanding in an almost contradictory manner, though one can be both. I see it as an understanding of one’s faults and one’s limits. I use these words in this manner because I find that one whom is blind to one’s faults is someone who has little or no self-understanding.

When someone has little self-understanding, it almost angers me. The ignorance involved is a very difficult thing for me to comprehend. If someone refuses to admit to his or her faults, or perhaps is aware of them but refuses to change them, then I see them as being very childish. And childishness, of course, is something that bothers me greatly.

I usually find that an open-minded person is very aware of his or her faults. Perhaps I simply associate a lack of open-mindedness with self-ignorance, though I haven’t seen much evidence to the contrary.

My experience with this idiotic characteristic has made me bitter. I seem to have lost much faith in the human race, something that I realized even longer before this. It has left me alone, with few people I can truly feel comfortable with, or respect.

Maybe it’s better this way.

My schedule hasn’t been too hectic lately (in fact, it’s been fairly relaxing), but that will change within the week. I have two assignments due in six days time, which I haven’t started yet. I should probably start studying for exams, but that most likely won’t happen anytime soon.

My work has expressed interest in hiring me for a full-time position once I graduate. Most people would be hired for a CS-01 position, but since I’ve been working there already, and I would have a university diploma by then, I would most likely be hired as a CS-02. There’s great difference in annual pay between the two, and a CS-02 has a pay range that’s simply amazing for a new graduate. It’s very close to my goal in terms of salary, something that I believed that I would have to work a few decades to achieve. This makes me happy.

On the other hand, Aaron’s contract won’t be renewed, which sucks because we’ll hardly have any time to see each other otherwise. He just seems to be too busy to do anything with. He’s the type of friend who would want me to tell him about any problems between us, but I’m afraid that this isn’t really his problem. I don’t feel that I have the right to demand so much of his time, since I know that he’s a busy person, with important things to do.

I saw two more of Hayao Miyazaki’s films, called Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind, and Princess Mononoke. I felt that both of them weren’t quite as good as Laputa: Castle in the Sky, but still reflected Miyazaki’s amazing writing and directing ability. Somehow his animations are able to make me feel happy without feeling cheap. Both of the movies feature the music of Joe Hisaishi, whom I feel is a terribly good composer. He truly creates beautiful music which complements both mood and vision.

I need to stop writing for an audience. It feels like I’m not being true to myself, that I can’t say what I want to say. Yet I do, somehow, in some equivocal manner.

The winter is so beautiful. Usually I study better at night, but when it’s winter time, and everything is white, I feel much more motivated during the day. It’s as if God finally realizes that the entire world is shit and covers it with a huge bleached tarp.

I bought Dolly a new toy on the week-end, and she loves it. It’s got a soft ball covered in fur on the end of an elastic string. She’ll try to take the ball where she wants by grabbing it in her jaws, but when the elastic stretches past its limit, the ball will rip out of her mouth and make her go even crazier. She plays with it until she’s tired, then she’ll lay down on the ground below where the ball lies, and just try to bat it with her paws.

I’ve been working on the new layout, and I completely scrapped the metallic idea. Pictures just didn’t seem to fit well in it. I actually have the final design done and created in html format. It allows for a better formatting of content, though it will take me more work. I’m not completely sure if I’m satisfied with it, but it will probably have to do since I generally have little content to work with.

Sometimes I start thinking, and then I realize what a fucking idiot I am, and that thought just sticks in my head. That happened for most of today.

I have to set up two laptops for these high up execs at work. One of them actually made a complaint about me and Aaron to my boss before. It’s hard to work for someone with this kind of history, but somehow I can just grin and bear it. I think that being stoic is something that I’ve learned very well from my childhood. An alarm went off in the building too, and we had to evacuate. My boss asked me if I wanted to get some beer and pizza, but I told him that I had too much work to do. The temptation was almost too great.

I’ve generally been neglecting my eating habits and my sleeping habits, and my schoolwork, even though I half-resolved not to. It’s good to know that no one cares. At least it’s honest. I know that I need much more balance in my life, and I think that it’s something I can achieve. It’s just been so hard with everything going on. Pat thinks that I should take a week off work. After all, it’s the reason why he quit the job in the first place. But he had a high maintenance girlfriend, and I had a negative maintenance one at the time.

There just seems to be so much reason for me to stay awake late at night.

John did get back together with Julia, much to my surprise. I can understand why, though I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I wonder why I do the things I do, I make the choices I make. Sometimes I do understand why, though I wish I didn’t. Sometimes I can’t comprehend it at all, as if some sinister force was guiding my hands towards self destruction.

Sometimes I like it, and sometimes I don’t.

This would be much easier to deal with if I could be definite in my emotion. But I can’t. I always see both good and bad. I always know that pain can give pleasure. Yum.

So why I do it? Why do I punish myself like this? It can be controllable. Yet I can be so blinded as to lose this control, and my old instincts come back out. I hate. I hate very well.

But when hate subsides, what do I have left? I’m left a washed up shell of a person, torn up inside, never fulfilled.

Please hurt me.