I wasn’t really planning on writing anything today, but I suddenly have an urge to express myself.

Dina gave me a bottle of Godet, and a Russian novel for my birthday. She was the only person not related to me to buy me something. It made me happy. Pita asked me why I’ve changed in my opinion of birthdays. I explained to him that it hasn’t; I just hate it when people feel forced to buy me something, which is exactly what happens when you live in residence. I’m at a comfortable point now where no one feels forced to get me something, they can just do it if they please. I don’t really recognize the birthday tradition anyway. I’ve always believed that one should give a gift when one wants, not at a set time every year.

I bumped into an old acquaintance while waiting for the bus on Friday, whom I haven’t seen for two years, and we happened to talk. I wasn’t sure what to feel really. I felt a little awkward, a little shy, mostly self-conscious. At the time, and even now, I wonder if she thought about the time I asked her out when I found her to be terribly attractive. Even when I think about it now, so many memories come flooding back to me of first year, and all the people related to that phase in my life.

It’s hard for me to feel very strongly about anything that happened in that year, but for some reason I wish I forgot most of what happened.

This seems to be the case for most of my life, where something will remind me of one thing, which will remind me of another thing, which will just make me remember something I wish I didn’t. There seems to be so many things that can bring forth bad memories, even the smell of a house, the colour of the sky, the taste of dry turkey. Sometimes, I wish that I was as ignorant as John (or as ignorant as John pretends to be), so I could live without needing to come to terms with any of my past. That way I could live with things that happen day-to-day and my life would be much simpler.

But I can’t forget what has happened and what I’ve done. It’s like some strange curse that I have to live with, the ghosts of the past never leaving my mind.

And on it goes.

I should be getting a new mattress this Saturday, as my current one has all the support worn out of all of it, understandably so, since it happens to be older than me.

I went to watch Pita compete yesterday, and he won a gold, silver, and bronze medal in the rounds that he competed in. They don’t really mean anything, since the rounds didn’t really have too much competition. He didn’t even plan on entering the round where he won the silver medal; he just signed up for it about an hour before it happened, and did an improvised routine.

I clicked with a guy who was very different from me yesterday. It’s odd, because it happens so rarely, especially with people whom I can’t relate to. It was comfortable, since we could just joke around and talk without having to know much about each other.

I have about two more assignments, one more test, an essay, and I should be done until exams. There’s going to be a LAN party in the middle of my exams too, so it’ll be a break. I need to practice my Counterstrike, Warcraft 3, and my UT2K3.

Pita and I decided that yesterday was the right time to open up the bottle of Ice Wine & Brandy that he had been saving for months. It was $40 for 375ml, which just filled two wine glasses. It was better than any other ice wine I’ve tried, most likely because of the brandy, which gave it a more rich taste, but numbed my sense of taste more quickly. So we had his wine, with my chicken and rice, and somehow got drunk before we realized. This surprised us, since we normally drink much more than one simple glass. We ended up falling asleep right afterwards, instead of playing a few hours of Warcraft 3.

For some reason, after yesterday, guilty pleasures don’t feel so guilty anymore.

Well, things just can’t get any better.

Yesterday I found out that my contract, which expires in December, will most likely not be renewed. This could mean that I will be out of a job when I graduate, since my position will be filled by a full-time employee. If things get busier at the office, then I might be asked to come back again. Until then, I might not know. The availability of a full-time position will not be known until next years budgeting comes around, which is usually around March.

This afternoon, I also found out that my grandmother passed away. I didn’t find out any of the details, which is one of the few times that I’m glad of my ignorance. It saddens me that I didn’t get to see her one last time, to show her that I cared about her, the next opportunity being within a months time. Yet she didn’t last the wait, and my chance, twice passing, has been missed. My parents will be attending the ceremonies by flying to Hong Kong on Tuesday. I haven’t cried yet, and I probably won’t.

And apparently, according to some Chinese tradition, the death of a loved one means that one cannot visit any other family members within 49 days of the death. Which means that I won’t be able to go to Hong Kong for Christmas vacation, something which I’ve been looking forward to with unspeakable pleasure. The tradition is not something that I would generally honour, given the circumstances, but since it is important to my other grandmother, I easily, stoically abide by the rules of the funeral ceremony.

I will miss the Christmas lights and spirit, the cooler, more tolerable weather. I will miss my chance to purchase a much needed leather jacket, to buy presents for my friends, to do some much needed relaxation.

But what can I do? Feel sorry for myself? I believe that this is the worst string of news I’ve ever had. There just doesn’t seem to be any act I can accomplish to make this pain go away, except for talking about it. So many things have fallen apart within the last 24 hours, so many things being changed. There just doesn’t seem to be much to live for right now, since I generally tend to simply live day-to-day.

It’s hard for me to understand what I should be thinking or feeling right now. Everything just seems so numb. I guess things have just come so suddenly, and caught me by surprise.

I’m really at a loss for words.