Sometimes it feels like there’s too much to think about, too much to wonder about, too much to understand. It seems like I’ll never be able to catch up with all my thoughts. There are too many things that take me too long to know. Yet I’m still learning, or trying, at least, every day.

I wish I had all the time in the world to figure things out, to become wiser or more intelligent.

It would be worth it.

There’s something about good strong pressure in a shower nozzle. Without it, it seems like warmth is just coming over one’s body in some sort of diffuse, amorphous manner.

My last week has been busy. I spent almost every moment of my week at home doing something. I was tired a lot of the time, due to the sheer amount of stuff that I tried to get done.

Four of the days I hung out with John. I got him Metal Gear Solid 2 and Onimusha: Warlords 2 for Christmas. We watched Pumpkin and Adaptation. Pumpkin had some terrible aspects to it, such as acting, but also had some very poignant moments. I’m trying to get one of the scenes framed, but I doubt I’ll be able to get a high enough resolution to have the proper print quality. To me, the scene seems to speak of such an innocence, even in the face of foreseeable tragedy. It reminds me of the ignorance I have of people when I first meet them, that I have no idea what the person is like, good or bad. Adaptation was alright. I was expecting so much more from Charlie Kaufman and Spike Jonze, but I guess that even the master of originality can run out of ideas. Spike Jonze still did an amazing job though.

I stayed over at Darren’s for three days. We gamed and generally stayed up late. It was a lot of fun to be so tired. I saw Duets, which I felt had one really well developed relationship out of the three, which was a pity, since the entire movie was based on relationships. Everything just pulled together rather cheeply in the end. I also saw Dog Day Afternoon with him, starring Al Pacino. He did a powerful part, what many consider to be his best, but I still consider Scarface to be his most accomplished work.

I discovered a band called the Gentle Waves which have a frontwoman with an interesting singing style. I downloaded a few of their songs, since I was hooked on Falling From Grace, and it was reassuring to know that their songs don’t all sound the same like Mazzy Star when I discovered Fade Into You.

Over the entire week, I didn’t have the time to write a single entry. It was difficult because I felt like I had so much to say. Sometimes, something in a simple conversation will cause me to wonder, and I’ll need some time to think about what has been brought up.

I had the chance to experience some strong, uncerebral conviction from someone I, unfortunately, didn’t have much respect for. I imagine that it was caused by a refusal to understand anything outside of her frame of mind. She seemed so zealous in her opinion, so upset at any mention of the contrary, that any attempt to loosen her resolve proved to be more than fruitless.

It seemed as if she was making up for her ignorance in strength of opinion. In order to seem as if she was knowledgeable about the subject, she became extremely opinionated.

How can one argue with such a difficult person? My answer is simple; I don’t. Argument is something that I’ve given up on completely, in general. I now find discussion, as opposed to argument, to be an exercise in loquacity and conversation. At my age, it seems that most people have surpassed what Erikson believed to be the identity vs. role confusion stage. They have become confident in their beliefs, and there is little that can be done to show them a new view. Of course, there are always a few people who can keep a beautifully open mind, accepting the possibility of anything, perhaps something as adventurous as admitting they are wrong.

There always seems to be a fine line between someone who is opinionated for shallow, insecure reasons, and someone who is opinionated validly. Unless one attempts to understand both cases, they both seem the same.

The adventure becomes not the enlightenment of the former, but the distinction between the two.

My mind feels like it’s going in eight directions at once. I have so much shit to think about, exams, failing courses, registration, projects, holiday planning, that it’s hard for me to keep track of where I’m going. I eventually had to force myself to forget about everything except for my exams and my final project.

I spoke to a prof about a final project today. He didn’t give me a straight answer, but suggested that I think about it first. He seemed a little put down by the fact that not many people choose him as a supervisor. I imagine that it’s because he really makes his students work for the project, instead of recycling old projects, causing him to be feared, instead of revered.

All my rides are working out perfectly for the holiday. I’m getting a ride down with Thom, and a ride up with Aaron, instead of John. John’s going to be coming up on the third, and going back on the seventh. I can’t FUCKING WAIT.

I watched Human Nature with Aaron. I enjoyed it. A lot. Charlie Kaufman never ceases to amaze me. I felt the actors each had the perfect look for the movie, from Patricia Arquette’s unique beauty, to Rhys Ifans aloofness and demeanour, to Miranda Otto’s perky face, and to Tim Robbin’s stereotypically curly hair and facial features. It’s not quite a movie that I’d purchase, but definately one that I’d like to watch again, if not for the subtleties of the monologue/dialogue, then for the complexities of the relationships involved. I don’t think Spike Jonze could have done a better job at directing it than Michel Gondry.

I just found out that I failed my last algorithms mid-term. It just seems like no matter how hard I try, I always end up failing. It seems so worthless, all the effort I put into my schoolwork. Even all my studying for my cryptography exam will all be for naught.

It pisses me the fuck off. I feel so angry just thinking about it. This is my worst term to date. I have a good chance of failing three of my five finals.

Sometimes I feel like I need this. I need to fail completely, so I can learn to not do it again. Normally, I need to fail my midterms so that I don’t fail my finals. It creates a pressure on me to do well, and the pressure works. But this is pressure on a much larger scale, because it could get me kicked out of the program.

It feels as if I need this bigger pressure to get on with my life. I really need some kind of change, some kind of incident to happen that can galvanize the static that seems to be controlling my life.

Oddly enough, I seem to have a back-up plan for every failure possible; I can take another course to make up for failing cryptography, I can take algorithms at Carleton if I fail it this term, and I can appeal my second failure of networking to the dean.

And yet, everything feels so hopeless. I think I just need it to happen. So that I can move on. So that there can be change.

So that I can get better.