I have come to the realization that I sleep on my side when I’m fine, I sleep on my back if I need to relax or when I’m really tired, and I sleep on my stomach when I’m sad.

I’ve realized that, for some reason, I’m always, constantly seeking the approval of others. It’s something that’s become a part of me, although I know that I’m able to deal with the times when I can get no approval whatsoever.

I hate this about myself. It feels so damn cheap and shallow. It can bother me so much to know that someone doesn’t like me, or something that I’ve done.

My understanding of the reason why I’m like this is that my previous major relationships have all hurt me in the subject of acceptance. It has affected me so much that it’s something that I can’t get over. I need acceptance to fulfill a childhood void.

I adore praise. My mind accepts it like a vacuum. I let it affect me, and I don’t care. It’s something that I need.

When praise leaves me, then I feel like I’m left alone, with no one who can understand anything that I do. It feels like there’s no acceptance, like everyone hates my being.

And with this I go to sleep.

I always get freaked out when on I put on conditioner. I hear things about it being carcinogenic if you leave it in your hair for extended periods of time, or if you don’t wash it out correctly. The bottle says to leave it in for one to three minutes. And what if I leave it in there for longer? Will my scalp start to sting, or my hair start to fall out? It just leaves my hair so soft and manageable that I can’t stop using it.

Today was the first time I got to try out my moon mix, since it got dark so early, with everything I looked at being lit with artificial light. It worked so well, and I’m pleased that I was able to pick out so many of the right songs on the first try, although a few rogue songs somehow managed to slip in there.

I have a test in DNA Computing and Quantum Computing tomorrow that I should be studying for, but I don’t understand a single thing since the last test. Being that I have no other classes tomorrow, I plan on studying for the whole day until my test, which is at 5:30 pm. I hope I can understand everything by then.

I’ve downloaded a shiteload of Dir En Grey and King Crimson songs. It’s taking me a while to get a feel for most of them, but so far I can tell that Dir En Grey isn’t quite my thing in terms of musical tastes, although I’ve put two of their songs in my permanent collection. King Crimson seems to be better; it’s hard for me to tell because their songs are all so diverse (I imagine so after a few member changes) that it’s hard for me to decide whether I like them as a band or not. I’ve also made sure to keep a few of their songs, such as Epitaph and I Talk to the Wind.

Things feel very different right now. I know that everything is always changing, everything is constantly moving, and that no matter how static my life seems at the time, my mind is always working. I begin to see things quite differently. I’m really not sure how to explain it. For some reason, my thoughts begin to come around full circle every six months or so. My mind is never at the same place I am.

It’s an odd realization, to know that I’ve changed so much, yet so little within the last six months. I remember telling Sam one time when I was 15 that I probably wouldn’t change from the way I was back then. How wrong I was. There has been nothing but change, change that I can only see long after it has passed. I look back on what I was like in first year, and I become so embarrassed.

And now things feel so odd, as if I’ve never been in such a situation before, as if I’m looking through a new pair of eyes, yet kept my old experiences. It’s such a hard situation to define, since I feel like I can never truly understand it until is over, like the dead in Dante’s Inferno.

None of this feels familiar.

I bought a second ATA133 60GB hard-drive and installed it today. It feels good to get into my case and fool around with the cables and parts. I feel like I’m souping up a car with NOX, where I should be saying stuff like, “My secondary cable is too short, so I had to put both drives on the primary, so my backup drive is running as a slave now”. I bought it to keep as a backup of all my data that I don’t want to constantly burn to back it up; stuff like my current mp3’s, my temporary mp3’s, my tv episodes, my webpages, and my movies. I got some software called Second Copy which backs up all the information automatically. I’ve been getting freaked out from all the reports of hard-drive failures, and hard-drive formatting webcode, so I thought I should find a solution. After all, I wouldn’t want to have to remember every mp3 I downloaded, and try downloading them all again. Although neither of my drives are Fujitsu’s, there have been lots of reports on huge warranty reductions of the major manufacturers in the last few months. Better safe than sorry.

My mattress arrived today, and it feels amazing. I was so used to a crappy, old mattress, that I guess I forgot what good support felt like.

I went to a restaurant called La Gondola for lunch yesterday, to see Melissa Kenny off for her new job, and the service sucked. The food was alright, but I could probably have made most of the stuff at my home. The waitress rushed everyone to get their bills, and didn’t ask a single time how the meal was going. I ordered a decanter of white wine with Natalie, and it tasted watery. I left a $1.00 tip.

I’m not sure if I’m going to look for a job for next term or not. I’m still a full-time student, if my final project is considered as a full course. I’m not really sure where I would work, but I know that I’d be okay with a shit job. I love money too much.

I finally got back a passing mark in my algorithms course, which still means that I’m failing on the whole, with only two weeks left. I’m pleased, I guess.