The night sky outside my window burns with orange pleasure, and I try some minimalistic Vincent Gallo songs to mellow out. It’s working.

Ever since my Christmas trip has been cancelled, I’ve been at a loss for things to do. I really have no plans now. I think I might just spend it here, instead of going home. I think I’ll buy a pair of skates for myself as a Christmas present, and go out on the canal at night, when it’s lonely and chilly. The winter sky is always breathtaking. I’ll just stay here and relax, not actually doing anything. Perhaps I’ll be able to catch up on some reading, or I can work on some projects I’ve been meaning to finish. Sometimes it’s great to be alone, because it’s so brutally honest when one doesn’t want it to be. The stark reality allows me to realize many things.

Things which need clarity.

Sometimes people say things that just seem to hurt. One knows that they don’t mean it, yet it hurts anyway. For some reason, it’s even more painful, due to the ignorance involved. But what can one do in such a situation? Pretend as if nothing happened? I simply become antisocial. That happens a lot actually. When someone upsets me in any way, whether I become angry, sad, or forlorn, I’ll close up. I’ll distance myself, and I can’t help but be taciturn.

No wonder.

I got my cryptography mid-term back yesterday, and it turns out that I failed it. That means that I failed more than half my mid-terms. I’m starting to worry about my finals. I was actually considering my absence at Dougie’s LAN party, but Aaron (rather easily) talked me into going.

I wasn’t really planning on writing anything today, but I suddenly have an urge to express myself.

Dina gave me a bottle of Godet, and a Russian novel for my birthday. She was the only person not related to me to buy me something. It made me happy. Pita asked me why I’ve changed in my opinion of birthdays. I explained to him that it hasn’t; I just hate it when people feel forced to buy me something, which is exactly what happens when you live in residence. I’m at a comfortable point now where no one feels forced to get me something, they can just do it if they please. I don’t really recognize the birthday tradition anyway. I’ve always believed that one should give a gift when one wants, not at a set time every year.

I bumped into an old acquaintance while waiting for the bus on Friday, whom I haven’t seen for two years, and we happened to talk. I wasn’t sure what to feel really. I felt a little awkward, a little shy, mostly self-conscious. At the time, and even now, I wonder if she thought about the time I asked her out when I found her to be terribly attractive. Even when I think about it now, so many memories come flooding back to me of first year, and all the people related to that phase in my life.

It’s hard for me to feel very strongly about anything that happened in that year, but for some reason I wish I forgot most of what happened.

This seems to be the case for most of my life, where something will remind me of one thing, which will remind me of another thing, which will just make me remember something I wish I didn’t. There seems to be so many things that can bring forth bad memories, even the smell of a house, the colour of the sky, the taste of dry turkey. Sometimes, I wish that I was as ignorant as John (or as ignorant as John pretends to be), so I could live without needing to come to terms with any of my past. That way I could live with things that happen day-to-day and my life would be much simpler.

But I can’t forget what has happened and what I’ve done. It’s like some strange curse that I have to live with, the ghosts of the past never leaving my mind.

And on it goes.

I should be getting a new mattress this Saturday, as my current one has all the support worn out of all of it, understandably so, since it happens to be older than me.

I went to watch Pita compete yesterday, and he won a gold, silver, and bronze medal in the rounds that he competed in. They don’t really mean anything, since the rounds didn’t really have too much competition. He didn’t even plan on entering the round where he won the silver medal; he just signed up for it about an hour before it happened, and did an improvised routine.

I clicked with a guy who was very different from me yesterday. It’s odd, because it happens so rarely, especially with people whom I can’t relate to. It was comfortable, since we could just joke around and talk without having to know much about each other.

I have about two more assignments, one more test, an essay, and I should be done until exams. There’s going to be a LAN party in the middle of my exams too, so it’ll be a break. I need to practice my Counterstrike, Warcraft 3, and my UT2K3.

Pita and I decided that yesterday was the right time to open up the bottle of Ice Wine & Brandy that he had been saving for months. It was $40 for 375ml, which just filled two wine glasses. It was better than any other ice wine I’ve tried, most likely because of the brandy, which gave it a more rich taste, but numbed my sense of taste more quickly. So we had his wine, with my chicken and rice, and somehow got drunk before we realized. This surprised us, since we normally drink much more than one simple glass. We ended up falling asleep right afterwards, instead of playing a few hours of Warcraft 3.