Darren and I were talking about the unrequited feelings we’ve experienced, and he asked me if I ever felt like no other person could ever match up to the person I felt the strongest about. I wasn’t quite sure what to say. I was afraid of the truth, and I didn’t want to admit it to myself.

I realize that it’s something I have to face, because it has affected my relationships.

Yes, I am very scared.

Sometimes I feel emotionally numb, as if I’ll never have the same feelings again. Infatuations end up being silly frissons. I’m not sure whether it was the intensity of my feeling, the fact that it was simply the first time, or even if it’s the fact that I haven’t met the right person yet.

It terrifies me when a female has many qualities that I feel are important for a relationship, but I have no feelings for them. It makes me think that I have some set of lofty standards that can’t be met. I feel horrible about it. I feel like a monster.

How can I know what I feel is true? How can one be sure of such fickle, consciousness altering emotions? It’s so difficult to remain cerebral in such circumstances, especially when the absence of such an adjective is what defines such emotions.

I’m barely scratching the surface on a subject I have so little experience about. What can someone like me say about such things? I should humble myself to others. I only know that I’m scared.

I’m scared that I’ll never fall in love again.

I feel jittery. I feel nervous. I feel like I’m at ground zero, yet again. I must write.

I ended up getting groceries on Monday, at the most convenient Loblaws still open. It’s at a decent location, and right on the transitway, but much smaller than the Loblaws I used to frequent. That’s alright though, since it just means that I can’t pick up lawn furniture or air hockey tables in the bulk buyers section.

I’ve been relaxing too much during reading week. I’m not sure how much work I should attempt to get done in the next few days. On the one hand, I see it as a break, and that I should be doing nothing but relaxing. On the other hand, I also see it as catch-up week, which is the way most of my friends are viewing it as well, making me feel guilty that I plan on having a supine mood through most of the week. I’ll be trying to study with Aaron tomorrow though, so hopefully his work ethic will rub off on me.

I finally found a word for non-physical affinity (as opposed to a physical affinity, which would be “fetish”): propensity. It’s too bad that propensity doesn’t have the same sexual connotation associated with it, but then again, I must be the only person I know that gets turned on by someone’s personality or actions.

I’ve been living out of my Banana Republic hoodie lately. It’s the hoodie I’ve felt the most comfortable in; the sleeves are nice and long, the material is a sort of soft, smooth cotton, and the hood isn’t too stiff. I wish there was a Banana Republic somewhere in this city. I’ve always liked the quality of their materials, the semi-formal look of their casual clothes.

I can’t help but smile when I catch Dolores roll belly-up.

At one point in my life, I believed I was like a jester in my pursuit of making other people happy. I didn’t really care how I was doing, the knowledge that my friends were well was enough to get me through the day. Nowadays, I think I’ve become more selfish. There seems to be a diffuse feeling of non-satisfaction.

Have I become more cynical?

I expect nothing from others. I still believe that my happiness can only be a result of my own actions. Yet it still fills me with a feeling of elation to know that I have been able to help someone else. Perhaps I’m hoping that the favour may be returned to me someday. Realistic would be a better word.

However, the thought that the people I care about are happy is still enough to satiate. I’ll take that as a good thing.

Forget about me.

I’m still struggling in my use of “one” instead of “you”.