equivocality — Jeff Ngan's collection of thoughts, experiences, and projects, inspired by pretty much everything
01 May 12

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30 Apr 12

I filled the void you left with the rest of my life

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And that’s why I spend so much time with peo­ple now, why it’s a lit­tle eas­ier to bend each pitch, and why I don’t mind hazy night dri­ves through pur­ple sky and deer warn­ings as long as Mogwai is on. Everything I do is an attempt to be whole again, cause I still think of you with me at every din­ner, movie, episode, nap, ride, gath­er­ing, and concert.

But surely you can’t be the same per­son I see in these pho­tos taken so long ago. You’d be a lit­tle wiser from the years, a lit­tle stronger from the expe­ri­ences, almost cer­tainly sport­ing a new hair­cut, but I bet your heart would always be the same. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to let go. I real­ized that no mat­ter what hap­pens, regard­less of how peo­ple grow and change, I’d always love that heart. That’s the only rea­son I under­stand what you meant by always have a weak­ness.

I filled the void you left with the rest of my life, but it’s still hard to be whole with­out you.

Me @ Twitter

A rather frumpy per­son just rang my door­bell, sell­ing freshly baked apple pies. Is that…allowed?

2 years, 5 months ago
24 Apr 12

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Me @ Twitter

What does it mean when a movie passes the Bechdel test, but not the reverse-Bechdel test cause no two men talk to each other? #Bridesmaids

2 years, 5 months ago
23 Apr 12

Do we have any movement from the Baratheons?

Our nights are filled with alliances made and bro­ken. I’ve never been par­tic­u­larly good at nego­ti­a­tion or betrayal, and that’s prob­a­bly why my house is usu­ally the first to go in the Game of Thrones. I’ve become that guy who sucks and con­se­quently poses no threat at the thing every­one is into, but still plays cause it’s always worth see­ing the bluffs and calls, the bold alpha strikes, and the devel­op­ment of grudges.

I’ve never got­ten along with the caf­feinated, shaky, socially awk­ward guys who fre­quent the rare binders at the comic book store, per­haps cause they remind me too much of an ado­les­cent ver­sion of myself. But this is our own ver­sion of geek­ery, with our own rit­u­als, and the com­pany is never any­thing less than entertaining.

movement from the Baratheons

 

Game of Thrones

 

Seth equipped

Armed with Valyrian steel blade and mes­sen­ger raven, for con­trol of the fief­doms and the king’s court.

Me @ Twitter

Using texts as crows in the Game of Thrones (board game). http://t.co/HUcQA3lD

2 years, 5 months ago
Me @ Twitter

Dear gin­ger tea with honey: where have you been all my life?

2 years, 6 months ago
Me @ Twitter

The three lev­els of friend­ship:
1) enter address in GPS
2) address saved in GPS
3) no GPS needed

2 years, 6 months ago
15 Apr 12

a path you didn't choose

People are for­go­ing their heavy coats for light jack­ets, even a litte skin. But win­ter still lingers in the crisp air, a reminder that it hasn’t been long since those frigid nights, but that it’ll soon be warmer and brighter. On the right days, I can wake up with the warmth of the sun on my face, drive with the win­dows down, and eat din­ner in the daylight.

The cats sit intently by the back door for hours, lis­ten­ing for any birds come home for Spring. They haven’t heard any since last year, and for Byron, that’s pretty much a life­time. Nowadays, I mea­sure time by how much heav­ier feels every day. There’s a com­fort to be found in know­ing that your cats are grow­ing and healthy.

cats eating

 

It feels like so much of what I used to cher­ish has fallen to the way­side. Like I’m relent­lessly try­ing to catch up on sleep, on time spent with friends, on gui­tar prac­tice, on var­i­ous projects, on get­ting to inbox 0. With time now such a valu­able resource, I’ve been re-evaluating things to sal­vage as much as I can. Figuring out the dif­fer­ence between what I truly enjoy and what I enjoy because I think I should, between what I need and what I want.

It’s strange to think that I’ve ended up here, and yet it’s hardly dif­fer­ent from where I was not so long ago. Life is always inter­est­ing, no mat­ter what age you are, and regard­less of how you think you’ve set­tled into it. If you’re doing it right, at least.

Me @ Twitter

Coffee and a pill. #old­man­ritual

2 years, 6 months ago
13 Apr 12

There's someone I want you to meet.

He’s a great guy who looks par­tic­u­larly nice in a skinny tie. His deep, smokey eyes seem to slay every woman he meets, and even the ones he hasn’t yet. There’s a strap­ping mas­culin­ity that you like, car­ried in the angles of his face, but a gen­tle smile reveals his true personality.

He’s intel­li­gent enough to chal­lenge that mind of yours, but so down-to-earth that you’d never feel inad­e­quate. He’s con­stantly cre­ative and a musi­cal genius, and I know you’d appre­ci­ate his work as much as he’d appre­ci­ate yours, even if they’re in dif­fer­ent medi­ums. He can let loose and have a great time, but he’s respon­si­ble enough to know when to stop. He’s con­fi­dent, but mod­est. Funny with­out being crude or clown­ish. Thoughtful and kind. Generous with his time, his thoughts, his pos­ses­sions, and his life. He’s the total pack­age, but most impor­tant of all, I know he’d make you happy.

And while I’ve always been unbear­ably jeal­ous when I think of you with any­one else (and maybe I chose him cause I like to think he reminds me of myself), he’s the only guy I wouldn’t mind you being with if it can’t be me, cause it would be such a waste otherwise.

Me @ Twitter

How is it that the word inad­e­quate isn’t in the built-in Mac dic­tio­nary? Maybe they don’t want peo­ple using that word to describe it.

2 years, 6 months ago
Me @ Twitter

You know you do too much online shop­ping when you have every detail of your credit card memorised.

2 years, 6 months ago
11 Apr 12

little victories

Remember when I used to write about every­thing? When there were a mil­lion dis­trac­tions to keep me warm, and all the lyrics cap­tured a moment I never wanted to for­get. The chang­ing sea­sons, the goose­bumps beneath my fin­gers, the taste of affec­tion; it all lived on in my songs, and I wanted noth­ing more than to put it all on paper.

I’m try­ing to get there again. Not with dra­matic, sweep­ing changes, but by rebuild­ing brick by brick. I can make it if I focus on putting one foot in front of the other, liv­ing day by day.

a snowy end

 

So I’ve been cher­ish­ing the lit­tle vic­to­ries, cause they all count. And luck­ily, life is full of them.