With a tone of genuine concern, as if I was being consumed by some disease, Abdallah told me he noticed I was getting thinner. Perhaps this is true. I was recovering from an episode of IBS, and controlling my food intake. Maybe its my sets of narrow, flared pants I’ve been wearing lately on Julie’s suggestion.
Louise tells people I don’t eat a lot, which is true only when we’re out , and is also the only time she’s seen me eat. It makes me even more ill at ease when I’m already feeling unattractive, as if it was my fault and I wasn’t doing enough about it. Others will comment about the size of my waist, or make a passing remark about how they wish they had my metabolism.
I try to take it all in stride, but it’s not easy when the subject is constantly brought up.
According to my doctor, I’m average weight — the average being a range, with me being near the bottom. I know this, but it doesn’t make it easier. Bronwen once told me that I have a weight issue, and after thinking about it for a while, I realized that it was true. Even though it’s something I can joke about, it’s still a source of self-consciousness, leading back to memories of my parents telling me that no one will love me if I’m this size forever.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get over it.
Maybe it was the exhaustion making me hyperactive and all WOOOOOOOOOOO this morning. Maybe it was the weather on my side, trying to bury the city in 40cm of snow, telling me to forget everything else. On seeing myself in the mirror, I started to have one of those Strung Out, Matchbook moments while shaving. You know, the part that goes
I just comb my hair and wash my face
Keep straight ahead and keep my pace
Just think about nothing and my life’ll be alright
Well I got my friends, I got my pen
I got a million distractions to keep me warm
And all I know is that I’ll be alright, that I’ll be alright
And while it’s getting so busy that I can’t keep track of everything, it’s also nice to be distracted. I can keep these thoughts in the back of my head, and bring them out when I need them. Almost like I’m in total control of it all, while it continually verges on the peak of instability.
Maybe it’s the instability I thrive on, a way of feeling like my life isn’t stagnant. That way, I’m not in a rut, devoid of inspiration.
So yeah. I think it’s making me hyper.
Those who rule in accordance with Tao do not use force against the world
For that which is forced is likely to return
—Verse 30, Tao Te Ching
I may know better, I may understand what I’m supposed to accept, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
Sometimes the world is crashing down around you, and all you can do is watch.
Because you can’t yell at the sky to keep it from falling.
The winter storm watch continued at –14°C today. When you’re inside, the sun fools you with the warmth of its colour, until you step outside and feel the bite of the wind.
I spent an hour-and-a-half looking for various things and running errands downtown. The streets were packed, the stores were packed, and I found nothing.
So I spent a stupid amount of money on these awesome mittens at Club Monaco. I actually walked out of the store and out of the mall when I found them, for fear that I would purchase them, but alas, here they are on my hands. I had to decide between the white and black stripes, the grey and black stripes, and the flat grey ones, but since most of my clothing is neutral, I decided on the flashiest pair. The open hole for the fingers makes iPod and camera manipulation easy. They’re 100% cashmere; thin enough to wear indoors or inside your coat pocket.
So it wasn’t a total waste of a day.
This is one of the strangest times of my life. I remember feeling something similar to this over four years ago, but I haven’t had it since.
I’m fighting my old self again. Fighting against these feelings and past habits.
I wish I could define and explain it. Vincent Gallo has a song he titled “Glad To Be Unhappy”, filled his distinctly minimalistic piano and acoustic guitar sounds, so sparse you don’t know where the downbeat falls. But there are no lyrics, and I think I’m starting to understand why.
Everything is so simple when you’re set in your heart. But when you’re filled with such paradoxical, contradictory feelings, nothing makes any sense. The world is turned upside down.
I think a part of me wants to think about it. I want to keep this feeling, where every song sounds as good as the first time you heard it, and the leaden sky is urging you forward with every step you take. To be so inspired.
And while part of me knows that to fight against ones inner nature is foolish, another part of me knows how destructive it can be.