equivocality — Jeff Ngan's collection of thoughts, experiences, and projects, inspired by pretty much everything
22 Sep 12

sailing through the changing ocean tides

It’s in these sto­ries, these moments, these con­nec­tions, these words, these images, these har­monies, these delight­ful chilly breezes that fore­tell the com­ing of win­ter where I find a part myself lost for so long.

child sucking her thumb

 

A gen­eral sense of numb­ness filled my life, but I’m start­ing to feel again, some­thing I’ve been need­ing for a while now. It was as if I’d lost a sense of pur­pose, and I couldn’t fig­ure out how to fix that cause I couldn’t tell what was wrong.

Maybe the fact that I started taper­ing off my dose of Cipralex (a few months ahead of sched­ule) is adding to the effect. It’s hard to tell with every­thing all mixed up, and so much hap­pen­ing at once.

I can’t imag­ine what things will be like in a few weeks, let alone a year. There’s never been so much uncer­tainty in my life, but that doesn’t scare me any­more. There’s always a way out. Ironic that I had to lose every­thing to learn that.

Me @ Twitter

When you start call­ing each other Mum and Dad, do you con­tinue to have sex?” — @RealMrsSpaceman

2 years, 5 months ago
Me @ Twitter

I wish I was British so I could use the expres­sions “pull a few birds” and “you hav­ing a laugh” with­out sound­ing like a pre­ten­tious twat.

2 years, 5 months ago
Me @ Twitter

Hobbies are like sex­ual pref­er­ences — you don’t get to pick what you’re into, you’re just born that way.

2 years, 5 months ago
16 Sep 12

a million distractions to keep me warm

Two hours later, I woke up with­out any sense of direction.

Now I’m try­ing to fig­ure out how to stay awake so I can be tired enough to fall asleep again. The fatigue isn’t enough to keep me down. I had a big break­fast, some­thing I haven’t done in as long as I can remem­ber, owing to the fact that they used to be the rit­ual of a per­son with week­ends and a need for rituals.

At some point along the way, I real­ized it’s eas­ier to take care of my friends and help them fix their prob­lems. I can’t fig­ure out why I’ve avoided deal­ing with my own, but I decided that as long as my dis­trac­tions are ful­fill­ing and healthy in them­selves, there’s noth­ing wrong with that. Sometimes, there’s noth­ing else one can do.

In turn, they’re help­ing me through this odd pas­sage of time, where I find myself unsure of what to do or feel. I’ve had to open myself up to give them a chance to help me. It always leaves me vul­ner­a­ble at first, but when they lis­ten and under­stand and sup­port me, all my inse­cu­ri­ties go away. It’s a tan­gi­ble love that goes far beyond words and intentions.

Me @ Twitter

I want to dial the num­ber in this CAPTCHA, but I’m afraid I’ll end up in the Matrix. http://t.co/WFlQfHG0

2 years, 5 months ago
13 Sep 12

collab

I’m very pleased to say that I’m now work­ing with Five Stripe Studios, a tal­ented bou­tique music com­po­si­tion stu­dio, to score my films. Music is one of the most impor­tant parts of any film, and the right music can make great footage look even better.

Choosing the right music also hap­pens to be one of the most dif­fi­cult parts of the sto­ry­telling process. For one wed­ding, I spent a week look­ing for the per­fect song. When I dis­cov­ered it had an inap­pro­pri­ate line (noth­ing vul­gar, just very unfit­ting for a wed­ding), I spent another week try­ing to find a replace­ment, but even­tu­ally went with my orig­i­nal choice, using audio soft­ware to take the line out.

Kyden’s First was a small project we worked on to make sure we were able to com­mu­ni­cate effec­tively at dif­fer­ent stages of the scor­ing process.

It made sense to find a more capa­ble per­son to han­dle this respon­si­bil­ity, and I just hap­pened to come in con­tact with the right per­son at the right time. Adrian is the cre­ative direc­tor of Five Stripe Studios, and not only does he write the music, he sings, plays, and records it as well. I met him in Australia when we were much younger1, and he con­tacted me after com­ing across my work many years later.

This not only gives me total con­trol over the music, allow­ing me to choose the right instru­ments, tone, pace, and mood, but I have more options with the footage as well, as I some­times found myself leav­ing out a great scene out to match another scene with a cer­tain part of a song. Adrian is also a very dynamic com­poser, and can give me widely vary­ing styles and gen­res; exactly what I need when work­ing with all the dif­fer­ent things I film.

  1. I still remem­ber us play­ing NHL Hockey on the NES, which would have meant I was in my early teens. []
Me @ Twitter

Someone is still unsure about whether or not she likes her new bed. http://t.co/5Tjtvrrg

2 years, 5 months ago
Me @ Twitter

The great thing about the Dollar Store is that even if you don’t find what you’re look­ing for, there’s always an ass­load of candy there.

2 years, 5 months ago
05 Sep 12

going out in style

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Cause I want to has been the rea­son for every­thing lately.

I started to under­stand how we’re all dying in the Silvia Plath sense of the word, so I decided I might as well go out in style. Vonnegut got it right with his Pall Malls, though I choose not to add tobacco to the mix.

Magic draft

Steve draws some­thing really good or really bad.

I quite con­sis­tently get my ass kicked at the drafts that Seth hosts, his crew always being made up of vet­eran play­ers. The advan­tage is that I always walk away hav­ing learned a thing or two, and get­ting enough new cards to build on a con­cept is a nice lit­tle bonus. If some­one told me I’d be spend­ing money on a col­lec­table card game at this age, I never would have believed it.

Magic has been keep­ing me busy in a good way. It’s never just about play­ing, it’s also about being around friends, and the cama­raderie, and get­ting fat on Steph’s amaz­ing meals. Those are exactly the things I need in my life.

pho and spring rolls

#1, beef rare, every time.

The red bean ice is a treat I don’t get often enough.

It was hard bal­anc­ing my time around oth­ers and the time I needed alone. I have needs that require the com­pany of cer­tain peo­ple, and when I’m try­ing to meet those needs, that often leaves me feel­ing very over­stim­u­lated. The exhaus­tion had been giv­ing me flare-ups, not to men­tion headaches that dulled the senses and eloquence.

Now I have some breath­ing room, and a chance to do all the lit­tle things I’d been too occu­pied to han­dle, like catch­ing up with peo­ple I haven’t seen in a while, get­ting the car fixed (from $9k worth of hail dam­age), fil­ing my taxes (from two years ago), chang­ing the strings on my uke to high-G tun­ing, or just watch­ing a movie. I’m still in night mode though, where I tend to get the most done after 10pm, and I find myself staving off sleep to do just one more thing.

root beer float

Root beer floaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

I want to travel some­where, cause it feels like it’s time to step out of my com­fort zone again. I haven’t made enough of my own expe­ri­ences and mem­o­ries for too long. But I’m in too unsta­ble a place right now, and I prob­a­bly will be for at least another year or so. Ironic that it’s insta­bil­ity I crave. It’s left me won­der­ing what I should be explor­ing here.

Me @ Twitter

I need a friend who wants a cat so I can vic­ar­i­ously go through the adop­tion process with them.

2 years, 5 months ago
02 Sep 12

Protected: killing me softly

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01 Sep 12

for the sake of momentum

This week­end I have two back-to-back wed­dings. Knowing it’s going to be 14+ hours each day means my brain will be on autopi­lot, tak­ing it one event at a time as a way of pac­ing myself through­out the day. These are the last two of the sea­son; I’ll soon get to focus on edit­ing, which is always my favourite part of mak­ing films cause it’s the most sig­nif­i­cant part of the sto­ry­telling aspect.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been feel­ing more like an observer than a cre­ator. There haven’t been much in my own life I need to document.

I’ve been ask­ing peo­ple to play Larissa so I can get a record of what she sounds like with dif­fer­ent fin­gers and techniques.

Seth is on my elec­tric strings here. No one would be lying if they said they had a crush on this man.

I’ve had a revolv­ing door of friends and guests over lately, and com­bined with the fact that Bryon tends to jump on the kitchen coun­ters when he smells food up above, means I’ve been keep­ing the house con­sis­tently clean, instead of going through my cycle of spot­less to dirty to spot­less again. I haven’t done any big gath­er­ings, pre­fer­ring the smaller hang­outs instead. I keep want­ing to invite Lisa and Tiana over together for ses­sions, or Trolley and Steph and Aaron for Magic, but the time I get alone with each is too pre­cious to give up.

That’s why time feels like it’s pass­ing so quickly, and also why I don’t write much any­more. I have the right peo­ple to talk to, so I don’t need to write things out to sort out my thoughts. And some­times it’s just eas­ier to pick up a gui­tar when a surge of inspi­ra­tion strikes. Otherwise, I’m burn­ing my lips on glass­ware, look­ing for the right moments to keep myself going.

Me @ Twitter

I’m now lis­ten­ing to myself singing on a track from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat being played in a gro­cery store. #sur­real

2 years, 6 months ago
27 Aug 12

let's leave these rusted old folks back in the city

It’s been too long since we took a ride together. Too long since some­one else was at the wheel and I got to score the pass­ing Canadian fields with my new favourite songs. Too long since I saw the old crew and filmed them land­ing aeri­als on the farm.

two dogs in a car

 

We drive through lovely lit­tle vil­lages I’d never want to live in but always think of vis­it­ing some day. They’re too small for comic book stores and decent Chinese food and any pos­si­bil­ity of get­ting lost, but big enough to hold the hopes of any­one who ever wanted to build a life for them­selves in a quiet com­mu­nity full of old-world charm and decay. The tiny econ­omy based on tourism from an annual coun­try music fes­ti­val or his­toric school will make sure it stays like this forever.

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