Go outside. Right now.
It’s dark. It’s cool. It’s breezy. Grass has replaced the snow. Walking downtown, the smell of shawarma from every Lebanese restaurant, the people shedding their coats, the surfacing skin, it’s as if the world is blooming while the sun has set.
All I want is for you to be here with me. To share this moment with you.
It’s a pity to be alone on nights like this.
At least this means I’m a nice guy.
I saw a savior
A savior come my way
I thought I’d see it
In the cold light of day
But now I realize that I’m
Only for me
If only I could see
Return myself to me
And recognize the poison
In my heart
There is no other place
No one else I face
The remedy to agree
With how I feel
This beat, it moves you. It drives a spike into your heart, hammering impatiently — BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM — like 1,000,000 volts surging through your chest to sixteenth-notes in a bar, and you’re left twitching, wondering how you’ll ever start your day without this again. It hits your ears like a wall of sound, with the synth rising up, filling your soul, and leading your life.
This machine gun is an anthem.
I remember Christie once telling me that she always wanted to bring presents to someone’s house at Christmas. We were waiting at the train station to Toronto, our exams finished, doing exactly that. Carrying bags with a fondue set, maybe a candle holder, and other assorted miscellany for my parents who already had everything.
As a seventeen-year-old with an adorable baby-face, she was rarely taken seriously as a mature and responsible person. I could tell that having this holiday tradition was her way of feeling like an adult. Not the grocery shopping we would do, not the lingerie she would wear for me, or even the act of love itself, but a family to go to, gifts to give, a house to stay in, a little piece of maturity.
For me, it’s this car.
Not the bills. Not the house. Not the mortgage.
It’s being able to get anywhere. It’s feeling these keys in my pocket and knowing that they’re mine. It’s driving home after class when it’s dark out, blasting a night mix on the stereo. It’s even looking for a parking spot downtown on a Monday afternoon, or getting stuck in traffic.
It’s having all these things that I’ve never had before.
I’m in a bad way
My sleeping schedule is upside down. I’m lovesick. I’m heartbroken. I can’t eat anything without shitting blood. My lips are chapped. My teeth keep grazing my canker sore. I’m breaking out. I’m dreading another day of work.
These are the times I truly feel alone. I’ve never been very good at taking care of myself.
But I’d still rather be alone, than be with you.