equivocality — Jeff Ngan's collection of thoughts, experiences, and projects, inspired by pretty much everything
19 Mar 13

in the arms of men

My wit and my elo­quence are not at their best at this par­tic­u­lar moment, which is why I have no quick riposte to your rib­bing. All my humour is dry and self-deprecating any­way. It’s mak­ing me won­der if you think I can’t take an Asian joke or two. The truth is, I don’t know how to make fun of any­one but myself.

Too bad you’ve got piss tests com­ing up. We’ve got this bal­cony, the right occa­sion, and I don’t drink any­more. Doesn’t mean I can’t lis­ten to your war sto­ries, or dan­gle in the air when you give out bear hugs. Perhaps I’d be less awk­ward when it comes to such bond­ing if I was in high-school JV foot­ball. Seth made the team one year, and scored a touch­down for guys like us.

downtown Ottawa

 

I remem­ber you. Iain and I went to buy a $5 hit off your bong 10 years ago, back when we cut our teeth on prairie fires and five-cent wings and I’ll-never-do-that-again. You were danc­ing to jazz by your­self in a beater and per­pet­ual Kangol when we walked in, but you wore no shame on your face. The world is small when our lives are not.

Last time I saw Iain was at the house­warm­ing, but I still think of him every time I use those crys­tal glasses he gave me that day. He would have wanted them filled with some­thing tight-bodied and twelve-years old. Nowadays all I can take is a lit­tle Bailey’s on my Mayan choco­late Häagen-Dazs. Luckily they’re also per­fect for ice cream.

bachelor

 

I’ve long missed these nights. Breathing fresh air when step­ping out of a stuffy bar. That sud­den calm when com­ing out of the din. Big groups with the chance to change con­ver­sa­tions. Nights that have been replaced by din­ners with nuclear fam­i­lies and one-on-ones. Oddly enough, the only thing in com­mon are sto­ries of how one’s son is learn­ing to play with his dick. The world would have me believe that a man isn’t made by the drinks he orders but by the atten­tion he gives his kids.

If only I didn’t have to go so soon. I’ve never been to the peel­ers in Ottawa, and I can only imag­ine where my bills will end up.

Me @ Twitter

RT @debcha: Secret shut­down pro­ce­dure for Canadians: Say, “Stop say­ing sorry!” to trig­ger the infi­nite recur­sive apol­ogy mode.

2 years ago
Me @ Twitter

My geek boner says hi. http://t.co/kp2QLMN4xM

2 years ago
13 Mar 13

stepping into groundlessness

I can tell I’ve had enough of win­ter when I start to enjoy the days above 0 more than the ones below. Those are the days when the air is clear with­out being frigid, and you’re only cold when sun isn’t on your skin. I know I’ll be okay when such her­alds of warm weather appear. Spring is com­ing just in time this year.

Constant plans and new projects are mak­ing the weeks pass as quickly as ever, only now I mark the time by my days with Lisa. We’ve set aside every other Thursday for each other, and it’s the only com­mit­ment I have in my life now, some­thing I haven’t had the plea­sure of shar­ing with some­one in a while.

chicken hearts

Step one in mak­ing cat food: get over the fact that the souls of a mil­lion chick­ens will even­tu­ally haunt you at night for grind­ing up their hearts.

She recently started help­ing me make my own cat food, which involves her schlep­ping a meat grinder, vit­a­min sup­ple­ments, and giant tub1 to my place every time, but she loves tak­ing care of my cats as much as I do. We can both agree it’s well worth the effort when see­ing how much they appre­ci­ate fresh meat and how healthy it makes them.

The rest of our time is spent with Miley Highrus and Zelda Hitzgerald, shar­ing the things we’ve grown to love by our­selves as much as the things we’ve yet to expe­ri­ence together, watch­ing Skins and learn­ing that I like Chris cause Chris likes Angie and I really like Angie. Some weeks, this is the only time we have off from the rest of our respec­tive lives, and the things we can share only in per­son make it all the more special.

Return to Ravnica draft

Slinging card­board.

I can’t help but ques­tion what I know about love and hap­pi­ness and truth and the world and myself. I’ve been try­ing to let go of the things I under­stand and the way I feel, giv­ing myself time to let every­thing set­tle, but embrac­ing the ground­less­ness hasn’t been easy. It often leaves me feel­ing very much out of my ele­ment no mat­ter what I’m doing, and long­ing for some sem­blance of sta­bil­ity. The most I can do is keep in mind that there’s no pres­sure to be a cer­tain way, and that answers will come in their own time.

  1. I don’t have a sin­gle con­tainer in the house that’s large enough to mix the roughly 10kg of chicken parts required for a two-month batch. []
Me @ Twitter

I don’t have a drink­ing prob­lem, ‘cept when I can’t get a drink.” —Tom Waits

2 years ago
Me @ Twitter

I like how Gmail flagged my bach­e­lor party invite as impor­tant because of the words in the mes­sage. “Boobs” must appear more than once.

2 years ago
Me @ Twitter

Bonus clip from the 2011 sea­son, fea­tur­ing @bonkandbeans: equivocality.com/images/2013/03…

2 years ago
07 Mar 13

looping: forever

crotch grab

I’ve been hav­ing a lot of fun mak­ing these lit­tle ani­mated gifs, each one a moment from a wed­ding I shot last sea­son. Not all my footage makes it into the final cut of a film; occa­sion­ally, some­thing has to be sac­ri­ficed for rea­sons of pac­ing or tim­ing or…appropriateness, and it seemed like such a pity that these clips would end up on the cut­ting room floor.

The tricky part is not mak­ing a gif too long, oth­er­wise it becomes a scene, and loses the rep­e­ti­tion that makes us believe the moment goes on forever.

Read the rest of this entry »

06 Mar 13

Protected: I was prepared to love the whole world

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Me @ Twitter

I anted this mous­tache comb and won this Bill Withers CD. Now I have some soul music for my face groom­ing ses­sions. http://t.co/zhmToQehaF

2 years ago
Me @ Twitter

RT @nilsgeylen: I’ve arrived in a strange land full of crea­tures and mys­te­ri­ous mov­ing machines. I have chris­tened it the Out Side.

2 years ago
03 Mar 13

feels like falling

Before play­ing at Slaysh we decided to call our­selves The Jeff Band, fea­tur­ing Jesse as front­man and Father as Dad. Our half-hour set con­sisted of five songs, Jesse charm­ing the audi­ence with his ban­ter (as always), and not a sin­gle unre­cov­er­able mis­take made.

When there’s only one take, it’s easy for me to get caught up in focus­ing too intently and los­ing my place. That’s why no mat­ter how much I prac­tice, I’m always ner­vous about play­ing solos and car­ry­ing vamps. Nevertheless, it’s good to know I’m still capa­ble of such feel­ings, and that in some ways, we’re for­ever children.

Howard the Fox Project

Howard the Fox Project on her Godin 5th Avenue, an arch­top with curves in all the right places.

Slowing down hasn’t been easy. Being effi­cient is an old habit of mine. Only now do I under­stand how much passes by when you’re con­stantly going at full pace. I’ve been savour­ing every expe­ri­ence, hold­ing each one in my aware­ness and let­ting it be as intense as possible.

If only it didn’t feel like I’m falling every step of the way, con­stantly expect­ing to land on solid ground. I’ve never been so unsure of every­thing. The book says it’s nat­ural to expe­ri­ence some unnerv­ing ground­less­ness when the foun­da­tion of old beliefs falls away, but know­ing this is all part of the process doesn’t make it any eas­ier. I never would have expected to be going through so much upheaval at this point in my life.

French toast loaf

French toast loaf is the most inge­nius thing since syrup.

Good com­pany has been help­ing me ride out the storm. People have been nur­tur­ing my sense of secure attach­ment by say­ing the things I need to hear, help­ing me get shit done, and tak­ing the ini­tia­tive to make plans. If only it didn’t leave me feel­ing even more over­stim­u­lated and dis­tracted at a time when I’m con­stantly try­ing to remain focused and present.

Me @ Twitter

Jesse made these this morn­ing for the show. http://t.co/GrEe6kVe1Q.

2 years ago
Me @ Twitter

RT @jongold: “Type is a beau­ti­ful group of let­ters, not a group of beau­ti­ful letters”

2 years, 1 month ago
Me @ Twitter

RT @DougTI: Love #design ? Follow @equivocality Jeff Ngan is a bril­liant artist

2 years, 1 month ago