Hmmm…maybe I should have tagged that last tweet with #feel­likea­MAN

I killed two spi­ders today and my dick is SEVEN INCHES LONG.

I can now swal­low three pills at a time as eas­ily as one. Something I’d rather not know or be proud of. #col­i­tis

Family, fam­ily, fam­ily, fam­ily, fam­ily, Jeff. #chil­drens­birth­day­par­ties

“Throwing up is kind of like poop­ing the wrong way.” Thank you, Lifehacker.

The only butt-dials I get are from peo­ple with Blackberries.

You know you drive to fast when you leave the house late and get there early, even when all the red lights are against you.

It’s on, moth­er­fuck­ers. http://t.co/G6EYAWnV

Bacon and bread, but no eggs. Dare I the bacon and peanut but­ter sandwich?

Never thought a pic­ture of me would ever be on a muti­la­tion site, but there you go: http://t.co/ROBO3FuH

Too pretty to eat. http://t.co/FA3qWwk

Time to get drunk by myself on a Beau’s Beer Burger, with beer mar­i­nated beef and beer caramelised onions. #light­weight http://t.co/Pp7eS0i

I guess it’s okay if you leave before eat­ing any­thing. Not a good night to be feel­ing introverted.

What level of social faux pas is it if one for­gets to bring a dish to a pot luck?

John is now a father.