Holy crap, 40 peo­ple were at my dad’s sur­prise party that I couldn’t make it to. I don’t think I even know that many people.

My new require­ment for kitty toys is now things that don’t fit under the couch.

My new favourite use of Wu Wei: http://t.co/xbvf0lWa

I will not save my cat’s whiskers. I will not save my cat’s whiskers. I am not a crazy cat guy. I will not save my cat’s whiskers.

The sound is siz­zling sausages is drown­ing out the tinny speaker of my iPad. If that’s not a #first­world­prob­lem I don’t know what is.

Yet some­how I will think even less of you if you pro­ceed to tell me that every cable on this rack is labelled the wrong gender.

So it turns out I won’t respect you if you don’t know the dif­fer­ence between male and female con­nec­tors. #best­buy #judge­men­tal #sorry

What do you get for the boy who has every­thing but con­scious­ness of their own exis­tence? #gift­shop­ping #firstbirthday

When you see a man play gui­tar with his feet, you realise you have no excuse for not being able to play barre chords.

Serendipity: to look for a nee­dle in a haystack and get out of it with the farmer’s daughter.

The Devil Makes Three is quite pos­si­bly the best band name I’ve heard in a long time.

Watching a his­tor­i­cal espi­onage thriller, and the sub­ti­tles are in Comic Sans. This is wrong on so many lev­els. http://t.co/Tyb7GD74

“saw them live last night, fuck­ing amaz­ing. my dick is still hard” #youtubecom­ments #the­joy­for­mi­da­ble #cra­dle #yup

Now I under­stand why peo­ple just leave the mea­sur­ing spoon in the tin of cof­fee grinds.

Why is it that sur­prise, drunken tat­toos in movies are always mag­i­cally healed the next day? #hangover2 #reno911miami