I wouldn’t consider myself a jealous person. After all, how can one be jealous when one is sure of oneself? It’s a contradiction to me. Almost always, in my relationships, this is true. However, a special case has come up, and I am jealous, an emotion I haven’t experienced in a long while. Yet there is nothing I can do about it. I can only sit here and take it. This isn’t something that I can change about myself. I am very insecure about this, and I have reason to be.

This jealousy nibbles inside me, creating an odd world of dysthymia. As long as I am jealous, I will be able to write and learn. God, I sound like something out of a Graham Greene novel. I was once afraid that I was becoming boring, having been given much in life, with nothing to write about.

Ah, well, let’s lay this issue to rest for today until I learn some more, and I can see the situation more clearly.

I do need to clear my head.

It seems so weird that I can pick up friends so well, and the ones I want to keep are always too busy for me, but the ones I can’t stand, are the ones whom I can’t get rid of. It seems like such a theme in my life, even in my relationships. I suppose that I can’t pick my friends, which means that I’m doomed to a life of loneliness (something that I believe I’ve already come to terms with), except for John, whom I can have a great time with. I mean, I have some of the most fucked up relationships ever.

There may be one explanation, which I hope is not true. It’s very subconscious, and very hard to explain. But I hope it’s not true. I would be an asshole if it was true, and I would deserve to be alone.

Being alone makes things so much simpler. I mean, my life is much less complex when I think about it. It’s quite a good feeling to not be dependent on anything. One would have the freedom to commit suicide without worrying about anyone caring. One has no responsibilities to anyone.

Will you be my friend? No, of course not.

What a fucking bad day.

I feel anti-social today, which is not good, considering the fact that I have to go to a concert with people I know.

This seems to be a feeling that follows me around a lot. As Pita said yesterday, I become disappointed when people don’t meet my expectations. I suppose I have lost a lot of faith in the human race, but can I be blamed for that? And many, many people don’t meet my expectations. That’s fine, I guess, since I’d rather be alone than with people that piss me off.

And so I write here again, in hidden meanings, about things I can’t seem to deal with, about the world in general. John once told me that I need to be more tolerant. I agree, I agree. John is the master of tolerance. I don’t know how he does it, but he can just deal with anything that’s thrown at him. Serenity is something that I was not born with.

Perhaps Sam has affected me more than I consciously realize. An affect that seems to have marked me for life, as Humbert Humbert had after meeting Annabel. It is arrogant of me to compare myself to such a beautiful, intelligent, though tragic, character as Humbert.

I hope I can get through this day.

I just finished watching Shaolin Temple with Pita. It had a good story and amazing fight scenes, but the dubbing just killed any acting or taking the movie seriously. The master was a very forgiving man though, as all Buddhist people should be, I’m assuming. It changed my perception of Buddhism in general. I always believed that it was an extremely strict belief system. And, I believe, it should be. After all, if you break one rule, why not break them all? However, I do believe that there is a balance that must be taken into account. If you are aware that you sin, and you seldom do it, then it should be alright.

I dabbled in Buddhism once in first year. It was enlightening, but incomplete. It just didn’t fit in with my life well at the time. Of course, the belief that suffering is inherent in life fit completely, but I was still a child (well, I still am, actually), trying to understand myself and the things around me. I think that I am better adjusted to something like Buddhism right now. I’m just not sure how closely I should follow its’ teachings.

I mean, I think I could live on rice. But celibacy?! I mean…I’m human. And to make things worse, I’m male. I think it’s something that I would really have to work on. Practicing Buddhism would definitely stop me from being such a good hater. I’m always worried that people will think that I’m conceited from the way I hate people. I know I’m no better than the rest, but do other people? It just worries me.

But it wouldn’t worry a Buddhist.

I saw an interesting interview yesterday on Vicki. A man and his team had been the first to boat down the amazon rapids in a particular path. They all took turns paddling, while they all ate, slept, and cooked in rotation, in the boat. It became their life for at least two months (I remember it as six, but I can’t confirm). When they finally finished the trek, and emerged from the base of the river, they had mixed emotions. They were happy that they finished a very life-threatening journey and survived, happy that they had the energy and talent enough to complete it. However, they were also sad that their life was going to become a lot more complicated again. That they would now have to answer phone calls, reply to e-mail, get stuck in traffic.

It made me wonder if I would ever be able to feel that way. If I could stay away from my pleasure box long enough, that I would forget about it, and actually regret having to delete my spam, or having to answer messages from extremely annoying people. What could possibly make me forget my beautiful music, or my comforting interface? I’m sure that there have been times where I left my apartment, for home, and I never once thought of my computer. This couldn’t have been more than two weeks, to be sure, so I haven’t actually been able to test the limits of my dependency. Of course, one should always have more than one passion, and I believe that I do, though some are more in practice than others. Without my passions, I am without being, and without my computer, I am without my main passion. Pita asked me if I would join him in ballroom dancing, but I refused when he asked (though after some careful consideration), citing time constraints as being too much of a hurdle.

I believe, or hope at least, that I am cosmopolitan enough to be able to pick up another passion, should the need arise. Passions are my drug; something that I can get into, be good at, stand out in, make a difference at. I’ve always needed that form of recognition. I’ve always needed to know that I’m good at something. Perhaps this need will go away when I gain some much needed self-confidence, when I can accept my past, and choose to be the person that I am.

No one said it would be fast.