I feel anti-social today, which is not good, considering the fact that I have to go to a concert with people I know.

This seems to be a feeling that follows me around a lot. As Pita said yesterday, I become disappointed when people don’t meet my expectations. I suppose I have lost a lot of faith in the human race, but can I be blamed for that? And many, many people don’t meet my expectations. That’s fine, I guess, since I’d rather be alone than with people that piss me off.

And so I write here again, in hidden meanings, about things I can’t seem to deal with, about the world in general. John once told me that I need to be more tolerant. I agree, I agree. John is the master of tolerance. I don’t know how he does it, but he can just deal with anything that’s thrown at him. Serenity is something that I was not born with.

Perhaps Sam has affected me more than I consciously realize. An affect that seems to have marked me for life, as Humbert Humbert had after meeting Annabel. It is arrogant of me to compare myself to such a beautiful, intelligent, though tragic, character as Humbert.

I hope I can get through this day.

I just finished watching Shaolin Temple with Pita. It had a good story and amazing fight scenes, but the dubbing just killed any acting or taking the movie seriously. The master was a very forgiving man though, as all Buddhist people should be, I’m assuming. It changed my perception of Buddhism in general. I always believed that it was an extremely strict belief system. And, I believe, it should be. After all, if you break one rule, why not break them all? However, I do believe that there is a balance that must be taken into account. If you are aware that you sin, and you seldom do it, then it should be alright.

I dabbled in Buddhism once in first year. It was enlightening, but incomplete. It just didn’t fit in with my life well at the time. Of course, the belief that suffering is inherent in life fit completely, but I was still a child (well, I still am, actually), trying to understand myself and the things around me. I think that I am better adjusted to something like Buddhism right now. I’m just not sure how closely I should follow its’ teachings.

I mean, I think I could live on rice. But celibacy?! I mean…I’m human. And to make things worse, I’m male. I think it’s something that I would really have to work on. Practicing Buddhism would definitely stop me from being such a good hater. I’m always worried that people will think that I’m conceited from the way I hate people. I know I’m no better than the rest, but do other people? It just worries me.

But it wouldn’t worry a Buddhist.

I saw an interesting interview yesterday on Vicki. A man and his team had been the first to boat down the amazon rapids in a particular path. They all took turns paddling, while they all ate, slept, and cooked in rotation, in the boat. It became their life for at least two months (I remember it as six, but I can’t confirm). When they finally finished the trek, and emerged from the base of the river, they had mixed emotions. They were happy that they finished a very life-threatening journey and survived, happy that they had the energy and talent enough to complete it. However, they were also sad that their life was going to become a lot more complicated again. That they would now have to answer phone calls, reply to e-mail, get stuck in traffic.

It made me wonder if I would ever be able to feel that way. If I could stay away from my pleasure box long enough, that I would forget about it, and actually regret having to delete my spam, or having to answer messages from extremely annoying people. What could possibly make me forget my beautiful music, or my comforting interface? I’m sure that there have been times where I left my apartment, for home, and I never once thought of my computer. This couldn’t have been more than two weeks, to be sure, so I haven’t actually been able to test the limits of my dependency. Of course, one should always have more than one passion, and I believe that I do, though some are more in practice than others. Without my passions, I am without being, and without my computer, I am without my main passion. Pita asked me if I would join him in ballroom dancing, but I refused when he asked (though after some careful consideration), citing time constraints as being too much of a hurdle.

I believe, or hope at least, that I am cosmopolitan enough to be able to pick up another passion, should the need arise. Passions are my drug; something that I can get into, be good at, stand out in, make a difference at. I’ve always needed that form of recognition. I’ve always needed to know that I’m good at something. Perhaps this need will go away when I gain some much needed self-confidence, when I can accept my past, and choose to be the person that I am.

No one said it would be fast.

I was finally able to finish the page, and another one for my cousin. I think he needs one more than I do. It feels like a never ending stream of projects, always this or that, that I’m working on. I sent in my application for Big Brothers today. Just another project to add to the list. If only I was as good at finishing projects as I was good at starting them. It always seems like I’m constantly busy, yet always bored. I never have time for this or that, yet sometimes I just sit at desk, staring blankly at my flickering screen, wondering what I should do. Perhaps it’s just a sign that I’m getting older. Another day, another dollar, another irreplaceable chunk of infinitely passing lifetime. I think I just need some more time to relax, and just relax. One time, I was in a cafeteria, when I saw a girl, sitting by herself at a table. She was delicately taking tiny bites of a cherry tomato, and was just sitting there, looking out the window. Not reading, not talking with a friend, not doing anything, while she ate. She seemed to be able to just relax, and calm herself with all the commotion going on around her. I was extremely attracted to her confidence, and wished that I could be like her, that I could have the ability to just sit at a table by myself and just eat. Perhaps it will just take some more time.

Apparently, I’m never too busy for me.

I was sorting through my e-mail today, trying to clean up my inbox, when I stumbled along a stash that threw me off guard. I didn’t think that they would affect me in any way, but they did. I didn’t even read them; the titles just threw me.

Without these titles, these scant few words, I’m fine, and I understand the way things are, and the way things have worked out. Everything is logical to me, and my mind functions as normal. But when I see these words, my mind floods with memories, thoughts, emotions. I get a glimpse of what could have been.

And then I realize that it’s just a sliver of a cross-section that takes almost nothing of the whole situation into account. Or do I? Otherwise, I would be able to stop thinking about it, and I could just let it rest.

And yet I can’t. The good thing is that it’s not an attempt at convincing myself of what I would like to believe. I can be pretty sure about this, one of the few things in a world where I might be dreaming.

I wish I wasn’t like this at all. But I am. There has been only one time that I didn’t feel like I needed another party to know that I was right. And it was because the truth was so obviously on my side, that arguing about it would have been trivial.

Writing about this has helped. I realize that anything, pictures; text; or just thoughts; can bring up ideas unprovoked. The ideas may be good or bad, but they are one’s own. The understanding that they are just superficial ideas is the most important part. It’s coming to terms with these ideas that sets us free.

I’m pretty sure.